Hello,I am Zero,2o y.o and I am normal,

not as side character but more like as the friend of the friend of the side character.I am invisible and my life is just existing. In university I study something I coudn`t care less about,I live with my parents that I just can`t feel connected too to be honest I find them stupid at times but I still love them so I still can`t say no to them ,I hate every second of this boring and standard life,I have friends and connections but they just don`t move me and the person I hate the most is the one I see when I look at the reflection. Weak,shy,pathetic,scary cat.I wear this mask from 20 years now, the mask of the good kid,the standard kid with standard boring life,pretending that I don`t get mad at how stupid people are,how generic and boring and predictable everyone and everything around me is,pretending that the baseball bat I have in my room is just decoration while I hold it near my bed to remind me of my anger and the fire in me, I want a change,to change myslef or more like to allow to me to be myslef,no matter how weird or delusional or childish or angry that real self is . I want to change the scared people ,to burn the order in my life and the order that is so broken in this world . I want to feel alive ...

maybe that is why when I saw Mikado for the first time years before I knew from ep 1 who he actually is and how he envy the people around him for being themselfs ,mad,diffrent ,weird and how much he love Ikebukuro for being so alivelike human beingg ... I want the same I want something to happend anything that will break the walls around me and set me free

I once read somewhere: "The biggest threat to our authenticity is the (mis)belief that we have something to lose."

Noone can tell you what to do next with your life but hope this gives you just a spark for your fire.

Thank you Kuroguri ,I thought that no one will reply because I sound as delusional weakling that search attention

They say that we are what we make of ourselves... And I don't mean your job or your status or how much money you have, I mean what you have inside. Sometimes, I don't want to face myself- If I feel like I've been a coward, I tell myself that it needs to stop. But then part of me thinks, how will I account for my actions? If I stop making excuses, won't I hate myself for what I've done? Putting things off and putting things off and putting things off... But in the end, I think I'll just have to forgive myself. I'll have to promise myself to be kind where I've failed, and try to do better in the future. You can always better yourself if you try hard enough. You just have to do it. Get up and go! Go be good and cool and amazing, or quietly do something with love!
If you want some song suggestions, I can give them to you. If you want to chat, feel free to say hi and ask me some wacky random thing. Do something unusual that you want to do, and break that loop of feeling sorry for yourself!
But it's up to you in the end to do it, I guess. :)

[lod 02] Chipsa thank you for the reply ,I wish I had the guts to do all the "stupid" thibgs I know I want like to quit uni for example. I can`t face myslef because I know that no matter how strong my desire for unusual life is there is no ususual things in the real life, most people are " normal" even if they seem like a bit diffrent same is with the events that happen, that is so depressing . About the question I can ask : Why you exsist ?

Life's a kind of roller coaster sometimes, okay? Just hold on and stay strong. It's the little things, really, so try a new type of snack, drink lots of water, use a fancy soap or do something nice for yourself.
Or just sleep on it. Sleep is wonderful and amazing. :P

I actually am bored not depressed or more like I can`t find something to moove me even people I love ,haha. Like yeah I enjoy thoose small things like you mentioned but they are not significant. My prroblem is that life isn`t something special,I know I sound mad but like I recently was on funeral and yeah I cried but it wasn`t as tragic as I was thinking it would be. If that isn`t someting big enough for me I don`t know what I want to see toaccept it as special.

Wow, I have to to admit I can relate a bit to what you’re saying.. it’s like you can’t find your place in this world, you feel so disconnected with everyone including yourself. As if time passes for everyone but your stuck in the same place. It’s as though what your feeling raises the oh so thought provoking questions of “what is the reason I was born?” “Why was I put on this planet?” “What does it mean to be happy?” etc. it can be extremely difficult to find the answers & sometimes it’s like those answers were never meant to be found. With that being said i believe only you yourself can steer your life in another direction. One with the fire & passion you’re hoping for

You won't feel moved by anything unless you really want to. Don't expect something to happen on this kind of situation, when nothing changes, you need to change. Maybe study for something you want to know, make university again on something you really want, or go after the things you left behind when you couldn't do them. Just, live your life like its the last. There are some kinds of crazy that are good for the mind, like travelling by car or bus just for the sake of it, of visiting the beach and looking at the sunset. Or if you want something more active, try joining a big event, where you can help and organize and interact with people from all kinds.
Just don't let this void swallow you whole, kay?

>>8 I am surprised how you saw managed to interpret the meaning of my text. I really feel as if I am in bubble while the world is moving and I can't feel anything
>>9 Me being so scared to loose my parents approval if I act as I want is big part of why I don't act on my own

Your parents won't be here forever, unhapilly, and it would do you good to show them you have your own will. Do it gently, ask for their help, explain what you want. Its very sad to live a life you don't want to live, even more so for other people, even if they are your parents. Just think about it okay? It can end up in fights and arguing, but at least you can try.