This Valentine’s Day, I was so excited. You and I had been so distant lately. Each time I tried to text you, I felt as if you didn’t want to speak to me. It hurt because I would find out days later how during that time you were talking to other friends in the game we play. I felt unwanted and unimportant. I felt as though my constant attempts to talk to you and keep a conversation up that was barely going was annoying. At some point, I stopped trying to be the one to reach out to you. I thought that if you hadn’t heard from me in a while, you’d want to talk to me on your own when you actually wanted to. Instead of me trying to force it. To be honest, I don’t even think that had gone as planned. Dad was sent to the hospital and as they were treating him for blood loss, they discovered something that may or may not be cancerous. The idea scared me deeply. When I told you, you called me and talked to me. And honestly it made me so happy. Then days that followed, I gave updates and you returned to barely replying.

So, when Valentine’s Day came, I kept seeing if you wanted to do something together. You told me you didn’t know. So I logged into the game because I generally knew you were on in your free time. That’s why I met up with you there. I may not be able to have spent it with you in person but I wanted to atleast see our characters sitting next to each other as we talked. Because honestly, I miss you so damn much.

No surprise that our conversation dragged for the beginning. That’s how it has always been lately. It probably didn’t help that a friend was already sitting next to you and sending tells you you privately like I was. After they left, you slowly started talking more. Then all of a sudden, you told me how you loved me so much and pushed me away bc I was going to make you talk when you didn’t want to talk about what was wrong. You told me how you picked a fight with our mutual friend and how you then wanted to pick a fight with me. But you said you couldn’t do it. As I read the words, my hurt broke. I knew why you wanted to start fights with us. If you pushed away the two ppl who constantly supported you, you would have felt it as a justified reason to end it. Do you know, the fact that you’re in my life my love is what has kept me on this earth? So many times I wondered the point of my existence and felt like a burden. The fact that you felt that low, I couldn’t stand it. It’s something I never want you or anyone else to feel.

I’ve cried myself to sleep more times than I can count lately. I miss being near you. I miss the hugs, the snuggles at night, and the kisses. What was suppose to be a 1 month visit to my dad in a different state has become a 5 month visit. The carpenter who was suppose to finish our house fucked us over. Neither of us had renovated a house and we both thought everything was going smoothly. It wasn’t until we were reaching the end and that the money was damn near gone did problems start to emerge. He was trying to get every dime he could and then some, leaving us with an unfinished house that you try to fix on your own. Each time I say to come get me so that I can help you fix our house, you tell me no. You say it’s better that I spend what time I can with my dad. Recent events only helped to justify your reasoning.

After we talked last night, I cried myself to sleep again. I love you so much that it’s hard to even describe. When you told me that you identified as a woman, it didn’t bother me. So many times before I married you and after, I had asked and you would always tell me no. I always told you that I didn’t care about gender or what someone’s body looked liked. I fell in love with you for your personality. When I said it to you again last night, you told me I needed to be prepared. You want to start hormone treatments before I come home. You told me how you and your brother were going to start telling your side of the family. And I won’t lie, it hurt. As selfish as it may be of me to feel, I feel like I’m being left behind. I always thought of us as a team and right now, I’ve felt on my own and so lonely. You then told me that I needed to be prepared bc the hormones may change everything about you. You said it may change your personality. If such a thing is true, I don’t know. I’ve researched so much stuff for you in the past regarding grants for surgeries and information about the process. I never thought to look into if hormones actually changed the way you act. I wouldn’t think it to but you claimed it might. That I also needed to prepare for the fact if after all of this, you may desire a husband.

That is what broke my heart. I knew of your history with men and women but the idea of you leaving me because you may desire a man... I read so much about wives staying with their trans wife so I didn’t really think you would want a man... you say you don’t know for sure if you will. That I need to be aware of the possibility. I just can’t wrap my head around it. I always imagined that after it all, you would still be you. The physical body would be different but your interests, personality, and dreams would all still remain. All of that which I feel in love with. So then why... why do I need to be prepared in case we one day divorce because you’ll want a man...

Even now I’m crying because I can’t understand! To my knowledge transitioning doesn’t change your sexuality or who you love... so then is your love for me that fragile that you may leave me one day for something I am not? I can’t even understand the reasoning of possibly leaving someone for the general reason of desiring a man. If you fell in love with a person and left your spouse for them, that I could understand. It would be that person’s personality that you loved and decided that’s what you wanted to wake up to. So then how could you tell me you MAY one day leave me bc you MAY want a husband...I’m attracted to men and women but I never felt the urge to leave you for a different gender...

I don’t know what to do my love... I honestly don’t. Just the idea of you leaving me, regardless of reason, makes my heartbreak. I truly love you and will always support you... I just can’t understand... I have no one I can even talk to about this. You my wife, are my best friend. Our mutual friend... as wonderful as he is, I feel more as though he is your friend... he helps me time to time but in this matter... I don’t think he can.. other than you two, I have no one. Even if my family knew and were 100% okay with the transition (most will be), it’s not something I can talk to them about.. I feel alone and am so lost...it hurts..