(A super long read, reader beware. Fair warning.)

And not the cool one, either.

I hide my emotions under a sincere veil of positivity, and I always mean what I say to my friends and family, however, it does feel forced. My mind is crowded with so many thoughts and feelings, with no outlet to express them.

I have depressive thoughts from time to time, bogging me down in addition to the other party members holed up in my head with the same purpose.

I’ve lived with an anger problem I’ve never been able to work out properly, that’s always fun.

Lately having the rising question of my gender slowly creeping up my mind, which is new to me.

I have anxiety about the passing of time, unable to “Live life by the moment” like so many tell me. I’m sure it’s supposed to work, and it has for many people, but, it hasn’t for me. My mind won’t let me do it, I guess. Fun.

A few other mental things that’d require a paragraph and a half, and I’m already condensing pretty hard, it amounts to not a great time.

Are my problems petty? Of course, that’s why it’s so frustrating to me. My feeling of joy feels like I’m working to keep it alive unnecessarily, and it drains me more than it should, I feel like.

I know life isn’t easy, and it won’t be an easy walk with everything handed to me, of course, but with everything pulling me every which way, I just can’t muster the energy to tackle it all by myself. There’s no one I can feasibly talk to about any of it.

A part of it is my mind convincing me no one will, but to those I have tried, mainly my family, the feeling of blatant ignoring what I said kinda hits me hard in the motivation station, y’know? Of course I’m not blaming them, I have about 20+ years of completely unspoken issues and thoughts to somehow condense into an easily digestible PowerPoint presentation, I doubt they have time for that.

There are other factors as to why I can’t speak myself to my family, namely a very manipulative environment, to where voicing my insecurities will be used more as a weapon against me than a chance for help, to say the least.

Speaking of a digestible presentation, if you’re still reading, thank you. I’m not going to demand of you a reply or advice if you don’t want to, but just reading this means a lot. Hearing my words alone is more than most give me.

Continuing on to the point, though, I just feel so.. Unknown to myself. I have so many problems I left ignored, or tried to fix them myself, and clearly it hasn’t worked. So many emotions I can’t explain the origins of, so many issues I think are under control, but apparently not.

As a quick example, I’ve never had an issue being a guy, none at all, and even now, I don’t hate my body for being male (I hate myself as a person, but that’s another story), and yet, I’ve just had this thought, this wish, that I wasn’t, y’know? That I was just born a girl.

I feel no discomfort with myself as is, I don’t feel like I need to transition myself currently, so I’m hesitant to say it’s something serious, but who knows? Not me, it’s a new feeling for sure.

Maybe it’s just me hating myself and its current state of mental being, who knows, but it’s just another surprise thought that’s joined the party and won’t go away.


Moving on, I want to say that I love my friends that I’ve met online, since I have none irl, but to be fair, I haven’t made a single effort to try and put myself out there, so I don’t blame anything but myself there.
Still, I do have love for them and my family, my situation, everything, but it acts more like a blanket over a cauldron of problems, and when it’s only masking the underlying problem, it poisons that happiness, and it becomes a chore, and the problems pour over into my attitude, lashing it out on people who don’t deserve it, which is everyone.

And, I know in the grand scheme of things, my problems clearly aren’t the biggest in the world, someone somewhere has it worse and they’re still trucking along, as my parents taught me. I have a roof, I have food, I have so much to be thankful for, and I am, trust me.

It’s just hard to ignore lately, and I don’t know what to do about it, and the frustration from it really builds, and I’m scared to go back to how I used to be in regards to rage and explosive behavior. I just don’t know how to handle it.

I don't know what compelled me to write this at 5 AM, or what I think I'll gain from it, but here I am. Maybe I just needed to get my thoughts out here and out of my head for once, I guess.

I know this won’t be as effective as actually speaking about it, but, I have no one who will listen to me blurt out my entire life and the issues I’ve picked up along the way, and don’t worry, I won’t do it here, either, despite the wall of text I wrote already. Sorry.

Just, sincerely, thank you for listening. I dearly appreciate you.


Best wishes on your life’s journey.

I read it all and I understand you.

hi. i understand you. since i'm a kid i deal with anger problems, i feel alone, i feel like i'm useless and i had family problems. i still have them. the way i solved it when i was a kid was with therapy. i know it sounds shitty for some people but that gave me the clues on how to deal with my crazy emotions. i remember feeling anger and sadness at the same time and being unable to control it. It's the worst. If you are interested in talking more, we can meet on a chat specifically. :) i hope you are okay /sorry if i did grammar mistakes english is not my mother language/