I have no where else to put this, I don’t really want to talk to anyone I know about this. If anyone somehow finds this, hhhh I’m gonna scream lmao

So I’m in college, and long story short, life really sucked before I started college. Never had any very meaningful friendships, and was in an emotionally abusive relationship for like 7 years. I made some incredible friends in college and life is fantastic now! (Other than I have a very difficult time deciphering emotions, since I’ve never had good friends like this before)

To get to my problem, I think I may have a crush on one of my friends? But also I’m not sure. I’m never going to act on it, because I know they will reject me and I’m horrified of ruining the great friendship I’ve got going on. Not to mention I’m going to be rooming with this person and have many classes with them, things would just be awful if anything went wrong. I can’t figure out if this is a crush, or if I just see them as a best friend

Things that make me believe its a crush:
-they make me incredibly happy, I absolutely love spending time with them, and we have a lot in common. Idk, its hard to explain, its that kind of mushy stuff.
-lately I’ve been having thoughts and realizing “oh shit they’re actually pretty cute” (nothing sexual-I’m not a sexual person)
-In general I just kinda want to be closer to them, like the urge to sit close and snuggle or hold their hand and whatnot
-when they mentioned having a crush on someone from their hometown over the summer, my heart absolutely dropped
-recently I’ve gone through the extra effort of arriving to class before they do, so I can pretend I’m not as excited to see them as I truly am (I always feel really happy to see them)
-I want to get into the same things they like so I can talk about it with them, because I like feeling like they can come to me (tbh this one could totally be platonic)

Why it might not be a crush:
-I can’t really imagine us in a relationship, I just get the fear that things would go horribly (probs a fear that originated from my emotional abuse)
-having never been in great platonic relationships, I may just be mistaking a platonic feeling for a crush (ie: I like them only because they accept me and I’ve fully opened up to them, their kindness makes me happy)
-uhhh shit I actually can’t think of anymore reasons for this category

Why they might(?) like me back but probably not:
-we hang out all the time, we have more friends (esp my roommate) but if I back out of doing something, they back out too and go back to their room (is most absolutely platonic I think. Like hell we have all our classes together)
-they come to me with a bunch of things, they usually show me stuff first and have told me things I don’t think they’ve told others
-we were playing cards with friends and I had a really bad hand and they change their strategy to help me, then say “everything I do I do for you” (my fcking heart im looking too much into that joke)
-they offer me their jacket, which, they do for other people, but seem slightly offed when I turn it down because I feel weird about it
-always offering to help me with things and wanting to come with me when doing even boring things like returning a movie
-we’re going to spend night at a friends house and this third friend said they and I could share the guest bed, which I said no I’ll take the couch because I don’t like feeling married to my friends, and they said “why not?”
-tbh all of this can be very platonic considering their personality, but I have no idea what they are like around their hometown friends

I’ve just been really confused with my feelings and needed somewhere to dump them, its been on my mind a lot. I plan to just let these feelings die though, I can’t risk telling anyone, if it is a crush I can’t go through heartbreak again. None of this will go anywhere but I just needed to throw all my feelings out somewhere

I know it's none of my beeswax, but yeah, I think it'd better if you let it go. I mean, it's hard to find real friendship. Love aint even all its cracked up to be half the time. friendship is easier and more fun. it's probs not a huge crush if you're unsure. or you overthink like I do, and if that's true, you'll overthink yourself out of having feelings anyways.