DO you know that feeling when you have so many things to deal with but all of them seem responsibilities and even though you want to end yourself you cannot because your life is very good right now and other people could just dream of it. It would be a waste if I let go.. I have responsibilities, I am supposed to get married to this really good man. But.. I just feel lost and I don't know what I want anymore.

I have had been on anti-depressants and aniexty medications because of the trauma caused by the last relationship. It was toxic and I was mentally ruined. But even aside from that, my home has been toxic during a lot of times. Sometimes it's nice but sometimes it's suffocating. I can't even begin to describe how much I didn't want to be born. My sister burlts out mean things when she is angry. Sometimes she wishes I die a horrible death, sometimes she wishes I die with insects eating my body. Although we know she means none of this and actually cares, she does say these things.

Everything is so stressful. It actually got a lot better as compared to the past. I have a very good job, I have enough money to go to university, I can support my family and pay for my side of the marriage preparations. I have a good man by my side. My home has been calmer than before. But now I just feel so mentally destroyed that I just want to run away. but even if I do, I don't know where to go from then on.

I have friends but I don't have anyone I can be close with. I don't have a best friend. I feel like I still have it so good and I am being ungrateful. I thought about having my medications again but if they are quite heavy even in the lowest dosages and I am unable to work because of them. I even talked to my doctors. They gave me the lowest dosages.. The voices are back again. I don't know what's wrong with me..

Do you truly feel grateful?