before reading this I want everyone to know that I'm fine and that whatever is written is all in the past and the past is effecting my present. Even in present I'm fine, I'm trying to help myself and learning what everyone else does. I'm very paranoid so I wrote this warning thingy, I'm also now half asleep bc I just finished crying with a panic attack which after these events I get super calm and sleepy. Anyway, thank you for understanding and he's my story/problem since I was young my dad would always tell at me every night, and the yells felt like he was gonna kill me or hurt me kind of yells, but he suffers many illnesses from being in the military so I understand now on why he used to do so so much, my mom is from an abusive home herself so she'll always come to the rescue in telling my dad to back off but when I'd get on her nerves she was just as scary as my dad. They both have said terrible things to me (only when they are upset with me otherwise they are loving parents and I excuse the verbal abuse when they are angry because they both have mental issues and I understand them well also the way I knew about my mom is through my dad and the reason why I know about my dad is through my mom) anyway, it's effecting me so bad. My bf and I just got into an argument which I started and when he yelled at me for making him upset it triggered me and I started to panic and cry and I felt the same way I felt when my parents would yell at me "he hates me, he's gonna kick me out and or he's gonna kill me) and he doesn't understand mental issues such as depression and anxiety ect so in that moment he held me and told me not to put words in his mouth and stuff, but to cheer me up he starts tickling me bc it gets me laughing and smiling but it doesn't help you know.. And I don't have anyone in my life besides him and showing him this side of me where I'm always angry, crying, or freaking out is really brining him down and it's not my intention but I just can't stop my Insecurities, paranoia, anxiety, depression, my attacks of any kind and my anger is out of control. I want to go to therapy but we dont have money to see one and it's just a mess and to calm myself down I'm trying to help myself bc I can't have any other help from anyone, and my bf can't help me because he doesn't listen or understand and just sees it as a tantrum kids give. He's grown up in a happy positive family and has never seen people with these problems. He doesn't understand them. Anyway, my POINT (it's in caps so you don't have to read any of the gibberish I wrote) how do you cope with mental issues if you have them or know someone who does? Because I need a new coping skill because mine isn't working and makes me look insane >~< also I am hoping to have no comments of "Pls get help" because I've gotten help in the past, it doesn't help and the meds makes everything worse. Listening to music used to help a lot but recently noise has been giving me migraines. I just would like to know any coping mechanisms they do or suggest.

I have extreme anxiety (82 out of a possible 93) and mild depression, I also suffer from similar attacks, not from my parents but others. But I’ve noticed that I’m slowly getting better, here’s how.

1- I took one risk at a time, smiled at someone in the hall, said hi to a teacher, something little
2- reminded myself that literally every person in the world has their own set of struggles, you are never truly alone, someone else feels the same, you just have to find them
3- chat casually with people, don’t get deep yet, just stay surface level, how was your day, wow isn’t this homework hard, wanna work together, do you like [insert something here], this teacher is just the worst
4- sit with them whenever you can, don’t overwhelm them, become a common face and soon a friend
5- after you are sure you’re friends ask them about their life, see if they’re okay, find out their struggles and promise to help them
6- talk about your own, slowly over time, not all at once, if they care about you, they will help you in every way they can
7- have a few friends, don’t stop at one, the more people you meet, not just get deep with shallow friends too, you will find yourself growing stronger and bolder
8- TALK TO YOUR BF, explain the issues to him, your home life, how you feel, why you feel that way. If he refuses to listen or still thinks it’s just a tantrum, then I’m sorry but you have to leave him. I may sound insensitive but I’m thinking of what’s best based off the many, many, many similar situations I have seen, staying with a guy who doesn’t care for you is the WORST thing you can do for yourself. But if he listens and helps you it could be your saving grace.
9- little things, spend an hour outside, learn a craft or hobby (I did origami), watch a movie or show you love, if you like reading, read a book
10- find an adult you can trust, I have Hannah and Barbara, it’s scary but it changes everything.

I don’t know if this helped or even made sense, the point I’m trying to give is, DONT ISOLATE YOURSELF, people are not as scary as you think, it took me 3 years to learn that.
If you have any questions or need me to elaborate, my email is ardere.dollars@gmail.com, I’m here to listen.