i just wanted to vent because i can't talk to anyone irl about this because im not comfy talking abt it

i met this guy who is 9 years older than me and i honestly think it was love at first sight. we hooked up and i honestly don't regret a single thing i did with him. He was mature yet had this childlike wonder whenever i heard him talk about the things he liked. he was my *first* you know.

being an ugly person, i really felt like he loved me. i was really weary of his emotions at first because he was really handsome to the point that a lot of the people i was with when i met him asked for his number and social media. he didn't give out any because he didnt have any social media and used disposable phones (i think that's what they're called??) all the time. he was a mysterious guy (trust me i know this sounds corny but he really was). A lot of what he was doing made me believe he was with a bad crowd. he felt like a dream, i dunno if it was good or bad. being with him all felt surreal, esp when i hugged him after not seeing him for almost a month and felt guns on his side.

i lost contact with him after i told him i wouldn't go with him and leave my family behind. wherever he is i hope he's happy. i hope he knows how much he made me happy and that i don't regret a single thing.