Just a warning, this is a long post. I’m reaching out for advice because I’m at a loss, and I’m not really sure if I’m the asshole in this situation or not - but I want to post anonymously, so it can’t be tied back to any of my accounts.

My fiancee and I have been together for two years next Tuesday. Up until recently, we’ve been great. We don’t even really fight, aside from minor bickering every so often, and even then we’re both good about brushing it off and not holding grudges.

Lately, half the shit I do seems to just irritate him. I have anxiety, depression, and PTSD, so I have anxiety attacks and breakdowns from the depression pretty often - and I don’t do well with angry men. Last month, I had a panic attack because our puppy peed on the deck outside - while my brother-in-law-to-be was under it, which means he got peed on. His girlfriend (my fiancee’s sister) is notorious for chewing people out, and to make matters worse, I was half asleep when all this occurred, which is when my anxiety is the worst.

Brother-in-law went to shower, so I couldn’t apologize, and I brought the dog back to our bedroom, and proceeded to have one of the worst panic attacks I’ve had in over a year. Fiancee gets annoyed multiple times throughout the thing and tells me how I’m over-reacting (as if I don’t already know that) and how I just “need to calm down,” and he goes so far as to tell me, “I’m not helping you, because I’m not going to pretend to bring sympathy to a situation where I have none.”

That was the start of the issues. Since then, he gets annoyed with a lot of what I do. His allergies are aggravated by stuff outside, and we have no central air so our window stays open with a fan in it to help cool our room (we live with his family). When we realized that’s what was making his allergies so bad, I offered to close the window and move the fan, and asked if he just wanted to leave it alone. He didn’t answer, so I asked again after a few minutes, and he basically told me to just leave it the hell alone.

This is just one example of how irritable he’s been. Seems like I can’t do anything right, honestly, and to touch back on my mental health issues, the getting irritated with my panic attacks has been pretty constant ever since. He’s also been getting annoyed when I’m having bad days with my depression, and with how he’s been acting I honestly don’t even want to try talking to him about how I’m feeling - because I’m sure he’ll just get annoyed with it. It’s worth noting that he also doesn’t talk to me, and any time he’s having issues I always find out because I overhear him talking to his mom or his friends about it. If he does tell me, he downplays it and leaves half of what’s bothering him out.

Another issue is that lately, he doesn’t want to be touched, or touch me - at all. That extends to a kiss when he gets home from work, cuddling when we lay down for the night, and just general affection - not just sex. He doesn’t want to spend time with me, and when I ask it honestly just feels like a bother. During a particularly rough patch last month, I asked him to watch a movie with me and he bailed. Three days in a row. I stopped asking after that, but he bailed the next two times I asked after and I just haven’t tried to ask again at all.

Due to all this (and note this is only a portion of what’s been going on), I’ve been in a bad place mentally. I’ve been under the impression that after two years he’s tired of me, he’s tired of my mental health issues, and he just doesn’t want me around at all - despite his reassurances that we’re okay. His last relationship also started going downhill once they hit two years, which doesn’t help.

Today, he finally told me that this is all because of his JOB. After all this, all I got was a message while he was at work saying, “Hey, sorry if I’ve been distant lately. I just don’t want to be around anyone when I get home from work, given that I’m around people all day.”

Honestly, I have a few issues with that. First, if we’re planning on getting married, shouldn’t I be the one person he’s okay to be around? Second, why could he not tell me this weeks ago, before I started thinking our relationship was in serious trouble? Also, shouldn’t I be the one person he’s okay to talk to about this stuff?

I don’t think he’s cheating on me, to be clear. His ex cheated on him throughout their relationship and he’s made it blatantly clear that he finds it one of the worst things you can do to someone. Additionally, he doesn’t have the transportation to do it, since we have 8 people living here and only 2 cars.

So, am I the asshole here? Should I be more understanding, should I just wait this out, or should I tear into him over this?

Bump 😅

I feel like you need to be understood and he needs to pay attention to you. Do you see a therapist or take medication for any of your mental illnesses? Because that would help. I also think that your fiance' does have some issues as well and you should try to talk it out with him or try to get him to talk about it to someone else. I don't think you should push it too much, but I feel like you do need to push more and try to talk about this with him. I hope this helps and your relationship gets better though!