I'm typing this while listening to my parents shouting and arguing again, it breaks my heart of course but I don't want to cry. This has been going on for many years already. When I was about six my father almost killed my mother by choking her in front of me and my brother, we are five siblings but only me and my only brother were left at home with our parents, our 3 sisters were at school that time. We weren't just like any families who have bonding, everytime we eat, silence, if not silence then arguments.
There's also a fight going on not only between our parents but both their family sides and it got worse when my grandma passed away leaving her house for us to stay.
I want to tell this to my friends of course but I don't know how, my mouth is zipped, I don't want them to think that I'm a sad person because they always describe me as the sunshine of the group, always being the jokester and always laughing, acting stupid. I also can't express it since I don't want to bother them or I don't want them to think I'm whining.
That's why I'm asking for advice anonymously, you see, this is the case, I want them to file an annulment since my mother is also tired and hurt, my sibling are furious af at my father, my father doesn't seem to care and continue with just being two-faced. While me? I don't know anymore, I'm freaking confused already, I can't even cry when I'm already tired and also hurt, I want to cry in front of them and kneel in front of them, beg them to just freaking talk with each other properly.
I feel happy imagining how happy they are together, "imagining". But I also want to freaking end all of this and let them file an annulment so everyone can move on, I'm fine with crying myself to sleep thinking about broken family but what's not okay for me is my mother crying, my older sibling blinded by anger and my father acting like he cares but is actually happy because we're suffering.
On the other hand, I blame myself, if I only asked them when I was younger and since I was the youngest, wouldn't I have convinced them? Will we be a happy family now? It is my fault for not acting fast. Before I become the same as my older siblings, before I become blinded by anger, please give me advice, please tell me what to do. Please it hurts, my heart stings, my eyes are burning, I want to cry but I cant. Please tell me what to do.

I've been in your place before. My Dad isn't exactly violent but his behavior is on the border of being threatening. My advice would to go to someone who you ABSOLUTELY trust and ask for help. Then I would suggest going to the police about your situation. I don't suggest going to counselors they aren't all that great. That's all I have to say

Hey, I just want to say the same as Angel. Talk about it to someone, talk to get help, even if you are maybe afraid about it, I thinks it's the best way. It's give help to you and your family. Be courageous

Thanks for the advice guys, my cousin is a police officer and I might ask her for help if the timing is right. Anyways, thank you, I'll try my best not to give up and be courageous^^