This is just rambling on my part. Some of you may not support manga/manhwa scanlation that'll appear later in this story, though this is where realize my worries. I just want to be able to release some of these pent up feelings...

All I want to do is to be of use to someone. Of course not totally abuse my help for their own use, but I always had this sense of inferiority (?) that none of my abilities or skills or anything else I do can help anyone. I'm bad at talking to people and I take too long to gather up my thoughts. I don't think I'm smart either nor do I often have the courage to speak up of my thoughts. Right now, I continuously worry if any of this makes sense. Most of all, because of my complex I don't wish to ask others for help if it can ease their burden, especially for the ones in my life that I've come to care about the most. Even if I'm this socially inept, I honestly want to help others as best as I can because it simply makes me happy being there them. It makes me smile when i'm able to make others smile too. I do know there are things I'm not capable of doing. I know what my limits are, but if I can do it then it just seems right to do it at my upmost capacity.

Still, today, I let someone down again. It was about my current quality of work in this scanlation group I'm in. Though I initially did this to relieve stress from rl, i have come to like the work itself, specially for the many unknown comics I've yet to discover due to the language barriers. However I haven't done work for them in a while so I just followed through my memories and looking through old saved works that I've done with this group. They had no problem until now, but recently they complain i make too many mistakes and they implied it as if I never improved from the beginning. Perhaps it's confusing at this point at what kind of scanlation job at do since I'm not saying it (i'm sorry but i fear i shouldn't), or perhaps i should just tell that group that 'if i've been making so many mistakes why won't you tell/teach me and i'll learn from them' (but this way also sounds too rude and mean >_<). Maybe i should be telling them that I'm only following how i've done it in the past, but then that also just screams that I've been doing it wrong since the beginning without anyone telling me. Still, i'm much more worried at the fact that i let this group of people that i only have an acquaintance-business like relationship down thanks to my bad skills and obliviousness(?), and it really sucks!

If this is all that can worry me crazy, then I don't know what to do anymore (at least that's how this current feeling in me is like now). Even worse, it makes me remember my one friend in high school. He knew that I'm bad at talking to people, but he was the only one willing to hang out with me despite him doing most of the talking. It was soothing at first, but when I saw him crying one day he told me "i wish i had a friend I could talk to." By then i wondered "was i not a friend," "is it not enough to just listen despite the many times i wished i had spoken up," "how can i improve to make this person happy"? I was more upset that i may not have been a friend at the time, but this is another of the many other times i came to remember that i believed i failed this person.

Perhaps i haven't improved since. Once i realized I wasn't a true friend to my high school friend by graduation, i did try to be better. I do now have friends that i'm confident enough to say we are friends. Still, i also come to realize how much i keep to myself (my worries and burdens) to be with my friends or family. I feel that its wrong to tell/show them any hint of my pain because then they'll be worried about me and prove how useless i am for others. This is just as bad as how much i want to be of use to people. By now, as i type this, i do feel a bit better, but i do worry. How can i be a better person? How can i be a better friend? Am i just seeking appreciation for my actions to relieve my own worries instead for the sake of others?

I know what you're talking about so well. I have the exact same thoughts everyday. I'm a very quite person and I was friends with a girl that also was the only one talking the whole time. One time I exploded and I let everything out I've been keeping to myself. I lost her now.

I made another friend now. Same situation. she resembles my old friend so much and I'm always worrying and fearing that the same is gonna repeat itself. I always ask myself how do I open up? Is she even interested? What do I say? What if it hurts her like it did with my other friend?

So I'm sorry but I can't really give you advice. I just want you to know you're not alone and I'm sure there are people around you that appreciate you and love you the way you are. It's hard to believe but I myself also know that my friend loves me and when the time feels right I'm sure I'll be able to open up little by little. and also, maybe you could try and please yourself first. Most times it helps.

That's all I can tell you.
Let's both work hard~!!