So my girlfriend and I have been together for almost 7 months now.

When we met, things started out really slow. We weren't really sure what was going on between us. I personally wasn't very excited about being in a relationship, since I'd just gotten out of one back in September of 2017, and I was convinced that I just needed to be alone, even if it was for several years. In that time alone, I would better myself and learn to be happy.

Fast forward to now, we're in a relationship, she spends more time at my apartment than she does at her mom's house, and we're close to finding a new place so we can move in together.

It's just that...she has a lot of self-esteem problems and emotional damage.

All of this stems back from her having a history of being in relationships with people who only want her for a few days, and then they're gone. And her last boyfriend, near the end of their relationship, would go and sleep with other women, he'd use her for money and a place to stay, used her for sex and then at one point said he was bored with the sex and needed to look at porn while they did it, then at one point was like "Bye" and bailed. This damaged her a lot, and she hasn't gotten over it.

I try to let her know every day that I love her and that she makes me happy. I've had two relationships before this one: The first being from 2010 to 2014 with a girlfriend from high school, and the second from 2015 to 2017 with an online friend I'd known for years who moved to the same area as me. In this relationship now that has only lasted for about 7 months, I've been happier than the other two combined. And I mean that.

So, "Why do you miss being single then if she makes you that happy?" is what you're probably asking.

I miss the things that come with being single, I suppose.

I miss being able to go to sleep when I want to. She works overnights, and so even on her off days she's wide awake. I miss being able to go to sleep right when I get off work at midnight, or even an hour or so after, so I can wake up early in the morning to go to the gym or do household chores. I don't get a lot of sleep anymore because she wants us to spend as much time together as possible, and that usually keeps me up late.

Another thing, I miss having a regular gym routine and diet. There are a lot days where I miss out on my regular gym schedule because of her. There are days where I go from trying to maintain a Ketogenic style diet to eating something that breaks my diet because I'm trying to make her happy.

I miss being able to sit in the restroom on the toilet for as long as I want, browsing the internet or YouTube on my phone without a time limit. If I take too long, she'll knock on the door to check on me, like she's suspicious of me, or worried.

But I think what really drove the nail in the coffin was last night on New Year's Eve.

We were going to celebrate by ordering a pizza and having some champagne. I've been known to leave my phone with her since she likes to listen to music sometimes, and I left my phone with her so she could order the pizza online while I went into the liquor store to by champagne. I've joked before, "Hey, don't check my DMs while I'm gone," and little things like that, but she knows I'm never serious.

Fast forward, we're back home, I'm ready for my final cheat meal before I resume Keto for the new year and lose some of the weight I (re)gained, and then when I check my phone to close the Internet browser she left up, I saw that my Gallery was open. So I asked her if she'd been looking through my photos.

She lied and said no, but then admitted that she did.

And I don't know why it bothered me. I was angry, I was hurt, I was ready to tell her to go back home to her mother because I was done. I just felt hurt because of the fact that she'd been going through my stuff, and she admitted that she did it because she was insecure and didn't want to end up hurt like before, when she fell blindly in love and was left alone, and she said "Why should this time be any different?"

And for the rest of the night, we tried to be happy, we watched a movie while eating junk food, she would cuddle up to me and tell me she loved me, and I told her I loved her.

But it just feels like no matter what I do, she'll never be happy. I like to take her to different places, I like to buy her things, I break my diet for her and walk around knowing I'm gaining weight rather than losing weight, but I do it so we can do things that makes her happy, cause she likes being together.

But knowing that she went through my stuff like she didn't trust me hurt a lot, and I feel like I've lost trust in her. She's sweet, she's caring, she bought me a PS4 Pro for Christmas, for the love of God. I tried to get her to take it back and get a refund so she can save that money, but she didn't, because she wanted me to have it and play till my heart was content and then some.

But I'm still a bit upset.

I understand that sacrifice is part of being in a relationship. I know my days of being able to shower alone while listening to music, or taking a bathroom break in peace, and other little things I like are going to be limited now. But for her to not trust me and to go through my stuff after everything, after I trusted her with my phone and trusted her enough to be alone at my place- with all of my belongings and even my cat- while I'm away at work, with the key to my apartment and even my car in some cases...just does something inside of me.

And now I'm wondering if I was better off being alone, spending my time the way I wanted to spend it, dieting and exercising the way I wanted to, living the way I wanted to. Or if this is just a small bump, and in the end I'll find out that she might have actually saved me from living my life unhappy.

I really don't know anymore.

Everything you do in a relationship, of any kind, is because it's worth it. If you can't tell yourself that, it's time to reconsider your priorities.

Communication is key. Explain that a relationship can't be maintained without trust. Be understanding of their reasoning. Make it clear that it's crossing a line to act on fears instead of confronting them.

My personal experience was mostly centered around "white lies" and why its important to admit true feelings, no matter how trivial. It's important that you're able to confide in each other.

She needs to be comfortable asking "silly" questions, even if it's just to reaffirm the answer. And you need to remain accessible for discussing difficult topics.

I don’t know, maybe you should actually be single.

You are more concentrated on your butthurt about not being able to get the perks of both being single and being in a relationship, than on thinking about why your girlfriend feels insecure in your company.

Any person with proper empathy would ask what they’ve done that triggers insecurities and control issues in their partner, and be willing to help their partner to get to a better emotional state by communicating and openly show and tell to build trust, which together with proper therapy is the only way to get past shit like this.

Damaged trust isn’t something that just magically fixes itself, just like your trust in her got a whacking, but personally I would say your problem in this scenario is minor compared to hers. If one would compare, that is.

Why is it that you don’t communicate your needs for routines to her? Are you not comfortable being honest with her?
And to be fair, she probably also sacrificed things to be with you that she would love to do again, don’t you think?
Tit for tat, give her some of her old stuff back in return for some of yours.

One thing you need to understand: You don't need to be there for other people. Her mental state, emotional state, physical, whatever, is not your problem. You choose to make them your problem. But you are a person too. If you cant handle it, you have the right to say so. Communication is key my guy.

People like >>4 piss me off. Listen, past experiences, like what she went through with her ex, explains what she does, but does NOT excuse it. Her behavior is unhealthy in a relationship, and I'm sick of people acting like it's alright cause she's a girl with a troubled past.

OP, you have every right to be upset. You trusted her fully, but she didn't give you that same trust. It wasn't right of her.

Communication is essential in a relationship, yes, but so is trust. If she can't trust you even if you're honest and open with her, that's a red flag. If she's not willing to work on her insecurities, it sounds awful, but she's not ready to be in a relationship. It is not your significant other's job to fix you. I'm saying this as someone who had severe insecurities and anxiety issues who manipulated my first boyfriend constantly. I shouldn't have been in a relationship at that time.

If you love her, you can help her become less insecure and more trusting. You obviously are empathetic and are trying your best and that's great. However, there comes a point where the relationship is draining you and you can't make any progress with her. Sacrifices are needed, but sacrificing your happiness is not. Think very carefully about if you've crossed that line. Do you think with more time and effort, the relationship will grow stronger? Or will continuing it only make things worse until things spiral out of control? Ultimately, it's your decision on what is best to both of you.

The other responses are also super helpful and I wish you luck, whatever you decide to do!

>>6
Do you think it is healthy behaviour to joke like ”Don’t check my DMs while I am gone” with someone who obviously has bagage that will make them insecure and paranoid eventually? It’s hammering a new nail in the coffin every time by doing so, even I understand that.

It has nothing to do with that it’s a girl with a troubled past, it has with understanding for someone else’s problems. If someone doesn’t have the intention or energy to deal with one other persons problems, why be in a relationship at all? Being angry and want to break up about something this minor is ridiculous and makes it look like he should be alone instead, especially since he can’t be honest about his feelings with her. “I lie and withhold information but damn you if you do!” Tsk.

And this is coming from someone who has been severely manipulated.

It doesn’t excuse her behaviour, but why so harsh. Why not talk properly about it and come up with a plan to overcome it instead.