So this is a sequel to the post that I put up last time with questions about my boyfriend.
For those of you who haven't read it, I started dating my best friend about a month ago. We've had a bunch of problems right from the start—about what his friends kept saying about me, how I felt hurt, and what would happen to us.
Now that I think about it, I keep thinking that he's not the one for me.
He's let me down so many times, he's even tried to break up with me through text when we had our first fight, and his only explanation was that "he didn't want to hurt me". I want someone who will honestly tell me when he has a problem with our relationship but I also want someone who will trust me to try for our relationship, and I want someone to not run away when things get hard but try with me to keep it going.
I want someone who is intelligent enough to keep up with me. I'm one of the smartest students in my school (not to brag, just for the sake of the story) and he's more of a jock and not an academic. Sometimes, his actions are so not well thought out, and whenever we have a conversation or a fight I'm always the one to resolve it logically and work things out. I feel so exhausted at the end of every single conflict we have because I'm the one doing all the work to unknot the kinks in our relationship.
I want someone who is refined. I need someone to balance out my naturally happy and energetic self, someone who is smooth. But when I'm with him I revert into a more cynical, cold version of myself because I just feel so awkward "lowering" myself to his level. I don't want a relationship where, on our first date, my boyfriend just suddenly starts talking about a pair of earphones that he really cherishes because he shared them with a previous crush of his when they were watching a movie together. I don't want a relationship where every single time he hugs me, touches me, or does anything around me, it either bangs my head against his and hurts me or makes me recoil from his dirty looking gaze.
I don't want someone who will say all these cringy things while fumbling over his words, pronouncing them slowly and in a babyish voice like a 5 year old.
I want someone who will challenge me to become a better person, who I can constantly look up to, constantly respect, constantly chase after and learn to love, slowly and everlastingly.
I want a more uplifting, spiritual relationship, not...this.
Don't get me wrong. He's a great guy. He's nice and sweet, genuinely does love me I think, and my friends approve. It's just...not enough.
It's not enough.
But I also don't want to let him go, because I'm afraid of letting people go. Because I know that once you let someone go, they will never be so close to your heart again. And maybe they'll just vanish, just like that.
And he was—is—my best friend.
I don't know what to think.
I don't know what to do.
And I do definitely want to be in a relationship. Maybe that's why I'm not letting myself let go. I want to feel secure, I want to feel confirmation that I am loved and wanted and that there will be at least one person in this whole world that won't let me fend for myself. But when we had a fight over his friends calling me bad names and trying to separate us, he took the side of his friends. Even though they were saying things about me that were mere rumors.
He didn't trust me.

https://youtu.be/o9rnAazLA-A

Let me just... So, you're looking for an intelligent, refined and loyal guy. Someone who doesn't bring you down, who doesn't have a bunch of sentimental baggage containing his previous crushes and girlfriends, and someone who actually loves you. Did I get this right?

Because, my friend, there are a lot of people out there that fit these criteria.

You say you don't want a relationship like this.
What I'm hearing when you're saying that he's your best friend is that you don't think so lowly of yourself that you can accept this kind of behavior in a romantic relationship, but if your best friend is kind of lower than/average intelligence, unrefined, depressing and sentimental, that's a-ok.

Why is there a difference in how you expect your friends, and your best friend, to be and treat you, and the way you expect your boyfriend to be and treat you?
These are all relationships that should be treasured, and there's no reason to settle for friends possessing qualities that you don't exactly value.

Having a romantic relationship doesn't mean that you're treasured and loved. There's always the possibility that you're being kept around because also you validate their need to feel loved and their need to feel better about themselves.
Kind of the same reason why you are hesitating to break up with this guy, right?

Treat others with the same respect as you would have them treat you with.

And work on your confidence so that when you get in a relationship next time, you're in it because you actually love the other person, not because they feed your ego.

>>3 mentioned very good points that I want to elaborate on. From what I understood from your post, you seem to have a particular set of "prerequisites" to your romantic partner. While it's good to have one, I'd suggest not to stick to one so religiously. We have different opinions and outlook of life as we grow older and mature. Do know that if you have prerequisites, your romantic partner has one too.

Should his character fit into your ideals but not vice versa, then we have a problem. Are you going to change into someone whom you're not just so he can love you? Even if you're willing it's not healthy.

It's good to have prerequisites. It shows you have a certain standard. But Love is not a checklist, and it should never be. We are all flawed in some way. It's not about you filling the gaps. It's not about him filling your gaps. It's about the two of you filling the gaps together. That is what true love is.

And you said that your best friend doesn't trust you? I think he's pretty intuitive to be able to read those thoughts inside your head. After all eyes are the windows to the soul.

>>2 is right, if the relationship isn’t good you should leave it. We all hear the I’m afraid to leave him. It will get worse if I leave him. But you are the star of your story, no one else will ever be. You must do what’s best for you.

>>1 I had nothing better to do so I found the original post:D

https://dollars-bbs.org/personal/res/1535789660.html

I may be really late to this thread, but I would like to give you some advice. I was in an abusive relationship for two years. However, as bad as the relationship was, I learned one important thing from it. You deserve to be happy. YOU deserve to be happy. If you aren't happy then you should get out of that relationship. You may lose a friend in the process, but you deserve to be happy.