guilt is like a hole. sometimes i feel it strongly but mostly i don't. while i am writing this i am sitting at my desk. with my lamp on. sorry that was weird.

i don't feel bad when something bad happens. like the death of a relative. or war. or loss of friends. or something. i just don't feel it. life is kind of boring. i don't want to die or anything though.

i guess i kind of like humans and their feelings as well, like izaya i guess, but i want to be more involved in life. thats why i joined the dollars. everyone talks about how horrible it is bottling up feelings and keeping them inside and being suicidal, and i get that, but nobody ever talks about being feelingless and pointlessness. i don't feel like i'm pointless and i should kill myself for being a burden to my family or whatever, i just feel - - dim. like a dying light or something, not in a depressing sense.
i am probably not making sense right now, but i wish i could feel more. i guess i am more like saika than izaya haha

You aren't alone. Sometimes it's hard not because of straight forward reasons, like suicide. Just take Izaya's advice in episode 12. If life gets boring make it to where it's not. Keep evolving. Hope this helps in some way. Have a nice day.

constantly evolving, huh? sounds nice,,,

now that i think about it i want a saika soo bad lol

i think that voicing this out to your friends might help. if you have none, we are thousands here in dollars you can talk to.