In the secrets telling thread, I wrote this: "I had planned to kill myself in 2015– I had a date picked and a note written, but I didn't end up going through with the attempt. I didn't tell anyone before or after the date passed. I felt guilty that I "let myself" get that bad, I felt weak that I couldn't cope with my life well enough, and I didn't want to hurt or worry my friends. I still feel this way. I don't want them to think of me any differently, either. I don't think I'll ever tell them."

That was during my sophomore year of high school. Ever since I got out of that dark place, I've felt like a different person who suddenly doesn't know how to even keep or start a friendship.

During junior year I had two close friends and a bunch of acquaintances. They were all seniors because I was taking classes a year above my grade level, so my friends all graduated before me. I kept in contact with those two for a while, but I just put off opening one of her snapchats, and after that I didn't answer again. I don't know why I ghosted her like that, I didn't want to. But replying to anyone's messages just seemed so daunting at the time. I still regret doing this.

I've also prevented myself from making new friends. During my senior year of high school, I had a few people here and there I was friendly with. We'd talk a bit during class but they didn't always notice me, and I was never their first choice or anything like that. (Unless they needed help with something– again, I was taking advanced classes until then so people assumed, however accurately or inaccurately, that I knew what I was doing.) To be fair though, I put far less effort into talking to them.

For the most part I felt indifferent to how I wasn't making any important connections. My thought process was that it's not their responsibility to be nice to me, and they probably weren't talking to me because they liked me– it was just because they were really, really, nice people and they were pity-chatting with me.

I felt that way about it until the last few months of the school year, when this one guy started paying a lot of attention to me and I realized how much I wanted to have someone to talk to. I still kept him at arms length, though. The attention made me really happy in retrospect, but nervous and uncomfortable in the moment. We talked a bit after we graduated, but aren't in contact anymore either.

I used to be a very empathetic person, but now it's like I don't feel things as strongly as I used to. It's like I'm living as a spectator. I'm never truly in the moment or part of a group– I'm always at a distance. I like observing people and I don't mind that I don't always say my thoughts out loud, but every now and then there's this little ache in me that's telling me this isn't enough.

Until high school, it's always been very difficult for me to feel lonely, because I like being alone most of the time. But during senior year I realized how lonely I am, and it's my own fault. I don't know why but it's so hard for me to be my genuine self around others, or let others be close to me, or even to just live in the moment like everyone else seems to be doing. I'm leaving for college next week and I don't want to continue living so passively.

I don't know what to do. I feel like I'm stuck in my head. Any advice would help. Sorry this was so long, thanks to anyone who at least read it through.

Personally, I'm not very good with social interactions so my advice might not really help... but, yes it is tough to be genuine with people. I'd say it's difficult, even more so in our society, to find someone genuine, so don't worry about being 100% genuine with complete strangers. You can warm up to them eventually, good friends will understand that.

About the whole suicide thing... I won't judge you about that. A few years back, I felt that suicide was for cowards. That it was a disgrace and that to make the people around you feel the pain of losing you was cowardly and selfish. That taking the "easy way out" was for loser and that you should just tough it out. But then, a good friend of mine committed suicide... We'd lost touch because we went to different colleges, and I learned it from a comment on Facebook at the end of my first college semester. We never figured out why he did it, but that made me re-evaluate my position on suicide. And honestly, I still can't say if suicide is a "good" or "bad" thing... So don't beat yourself up for having thought about it in the past.

For the empathy thing: From what I understand you're in your late teens or could be considered a young adult. That would mean that this empathy was something that was very present in your childhood. The grand majority of children are very empathetic and, from my very small knowledge on the subject (so don't take my word for it), we kind of "lose" it when growing up. Maybe it's because we gain more life experience or something like that which narrows our point of view? Personally, I felt something similar and frankly, I was scared of losing my empathy. I tried to consciously make an effort to be empathetic but it didn't really work. When I went "f*** it" and abandoned the practice, I realized eventually that I had more empathy than I thought; that it was one of those thing that you shouldn't consciously monitor. I guess I could compare it to walking, when you think "Hey, do I walk funny? Or am I walking correctly?" you find yourself unable to walk properly and feel like an idiot (- -') but when you don't think about it, you walk perfectly fine.

Now... It's 2 AM in my time zone and I'm pretty tired so, do take my advice with objectiveness, I usually don't listen to my tired self myself, or at least that's what I say to myself.
Hope this helps at least a bit. ^^'
Hmmm... I had another advice for you but I'm so tired I can't even remember it. Hahahah...

Friendships both change and develop over time.

Don't push yourself to be "open" with other people. You don't necessarily need to.

For context, I had two friends that I made junior year of high school. By the end of my senior year, I was ready to discard them as friends since I felt like I was their third or fourth choice to hang out with. Note that I wasn't super open with them or anything, but I counted then as friends.

I'm glad I didn't distance myself. I count them as some of my closest friends, even if I don't talk to them about my anxiety or depression. All I know is that when I'm lonely, I can talk to them, and when they're lonely, they talk to me.

College is your fresh start, OP.

Join clubs and attend events made for freshmen. In particular, join activity clubs that you are passionate about. If you don't have those hobbies, go to activity clubs to see if anything catches your interest.

Talk to them. Exchange contact information and keep in contact with them. They might not be people you can call a friend in a month. Maybe not even in a year. But see what happens in a few years. You'll be surprised.

The idea that you have to be open and genuine towards your friends is kind of a myth. You shouldn't distance yourself, that's true. But you can have all sorts of relationships with friends. Because there are all sorts of people.

Basically, take the initiative to talk to people, but don't force yourself to further do things that you aren't comfortable with.

Hope this helps

Reading this post felt very much like thinking my own thoughts. From the suicide, to the friendships, to the loneliness, and the absence of empathy, I have been through and still go through these things. (Entering my senior year of uni.)

I think I got to the point, just before college, where I had become so void inside that my plan for college was "don't even try to make friends and just study." I met someone at the end of my first quarter who felt (or I guess "didn't feel" is more accurate) exactly like I did. She's been my closest friend ever since.

I still haven't been able to regain empathy, or even sympathy (although I was very empathetic in the past, I have never really been sympathetic), but I've been able gain something arguably more useful: compassion. I understand the value of human life, how to identify the needs of others, how to meet the needs of others to the best of my capabilities... You don't need to have empathy to care for others or live a fulfilling life or make friendships.
For me, empathy was always a hindrance. I'd get so engulfed in the problems of others, I'd care about it more than they did. It was exhausting. Draining. Led to depression and suicidal tendencies. I'd neglect my own well being because my head was filled with concerns for others. Then when I had my own real issues to deal with, I guess I just short-circuited and haven't really felt much since...
But that's okay.

I think I'm sharing this to let you know, even if you don't feel empathetic, or no need to make friends, or lonely, or whatever you feel... it's okay. You're not less of a human because of it.

When you start college, don't force yourself to act in a way that you think someone else will like. Also it's okay to say things/opinions that you might not agree with later, or even while you're saying them; you'll be able to figure out yourself better as you go. (Honestly, before college, I couldn't even tell anyone anything as simple as my favorite type of music or game, because I quite literally didn't know; so I tried almost everything out there and now know korean r&b and chess. But that will probably change again, and that's fine too.)

Just try everything (except adderall, pot, too much alcohol, and just basically drugs in general unless prescribed by your doctor; honestly it will screw you up and put your mind and body in way worse of a state... speaking from experience). Push yourself, unless your gut says no. Grow, but don't change to please nor befriend others. Explore various course subjects, clubs (although most end up being lame), volunteer programs (especially these), practicums, internships, research jobs (every field has some sort of research going on), restaurants...
I get stuck in my head and passive if I don't push my self to explore something new, or get better at something familiar. So, definitely push yourself to try things, but don't force yourself to like/dislike anything.

Just ask yourself "do I regret investing time into this activity/friendship/course subject/etc?" and "will I regret investing more time into this in the future?"

Don't treat college as a place to find yourself, or to become the kind of person you think you should be. Don't feel guilty or beat yourself up for being a certain way. You're already you. Just be the most content you.

(Sorry, that ended up being an essay and a bit corny at the end. This is just some advice I wish someone had given me when I was in your situation.)

(Also posts 2 and 3 gave great advice too!)

OP here. I’ll be finishing my first semester in a couple weeks and I wanted to thank the three of you for taking the time to give me advice. I really took all of it to heart and I think I’ve been a lot better lately.

Idk if any of you are actually interested in an update (or if you’re even still checking these threads), but here it is:

Without really meaning to, I made a couple good friends. Good, as in, we’re each other’s first choices to hang out with and they’re people I can talk about more serious things with. I have other friends on my floor, people who I’m somewhat friendly with, people who are just acquaintances, people I’ve only shared polite small talk with, and people I say hi to when I see them by chance and nothing else. And I don’t feel so lonely anymore.

There are still old habits I’m trying to break. I’m not used to eating with other people. I can’t accept compliments. I don’t always make myself available or approachable. Sometimes I just get really, really quiet. I still catch myself thinking that my friends don’t actually like me, they’re just being nice, or they just want me for help with schoolwork or so that they’ll have someone to complain to.

I’m trying to ease out of it though. And I think, generally, I’m happy with where I’m at.

I also wanted to reply to specific parts of your responses that really stuck with me.

>>2
Thank you for sharing what happened with your friend. (I’m sorry for your loss, by the way.) It’s been weird trying to come to terms with myself but your perspective on it did bring me some comfort, to be honest. And it’s really nice seeing someone as open minded as you are.

As for being genuine, I found it really hard to be anything other than quiet and stoic when I first met people, because that’s what people at my high school expected from me. (I was just really shy and anxious when I first transferred in. By junior year I was much less so, but I felt like I’d pigeon-holed myself into that role.) Now that I’ve left high school I’ve found that it’s a little easier to be less reserved, and I feel a lot more natural.

And like you said, it definitely helps not always being hyper-conscious of things like empathy and genuineness.

>>3
“All I know is that when I’m lonely, I can talk to them, and when they’re lonely, they can talk to me.” I remember when I read this, it really struck me. I think I’d been devaluing that kind of relationship. It’s really simple but it’s so important to have that with someone, even when the friendship doesn’t go any deeper than that.

I tried joining a bunch of different clubs like you suggested. I only still go to two of them regularly, but I’m friendly enough with some of the other members that I can to talk to them, and I don’t feel left out. I haven’t become super close with anyone I met there, and we really only see each other during meetings. But I don’t mind that, and I noticed that it’s not forced indifference anymore. It feels more like what you said— I can have different types of friendships with different people. Not everything has to be that deep.

>>4
There were so many things in your response that I related to. “Don’t even make friends and just study” was my attitude going into my junior and senior year of high school. “I guess I just short circuited and haven’t felt much since” was exactly my experience too.

“even if you don't feel empathetic, or no need to make friends, or lonely, or whatever you feel... it's okay. You're not less of a human because of it.”

Honestly, one of the main reasons I wanted to die was that I didn’t feel human anymore. I just felt abnormal and inept. Lots of thoughts like “What kind of human being can’t emote? I can’t even function normally in society, how did I just shut off like this?” It didn’t help that my whole life I’d wanted to be a doctor. And then when I felt myself losing empathy, it was like the last thing I had going for me was gone. I hated the thought of future patients having to be taken care of by someone without empathy. It felt immoral to subject them to that. And it just made want to die even more.

I hadn’t really separated the definition of “empathy” from “compassion” until I read what you wrote. I’ve realized that I’m not lacking compassion, and lately I don’t feel so much like a freak.

...

Again, thanks to all three of you. Everything you guys told me really meant a lot, and it certainly helped a lot. Definitely made me feel less alone, too.

I’m wishing you guys the best, and I hope that whatever struggles you may be facing at the moment blow over soon enough. Because you’ve helped me finally start getting out of a bad place. Seriously, thank you.