So, my current problem is kind of unique, I can’t just do a google search and find a proper answer so I’m coming here.

There’s this best friend I’ve had my whole life. We’ve been through EVERYTHING together and he is extremely important to me. I’ve always been there for him, always been supportive and caring. And he USED to be the same way.

So, in the past year I’ve started to seriously suffer from anxiety. I get very random anxiety attacks, some of them seem to have absolutely no cause and I find myself siting there like “why am I even upset??” As my best friend is the only one I’m comfortable going to with my problems, I usually tell him about it, I’ve actually had quite a few attacks in his presence.

When I have an anxiety attack, I turn into a completely different person. I’m insecure, I ask a lot of random questions, I’m crying, almost everything can set me off. When I’m like that, all I want is reassurance and a hug or something. But even so, it doesn’t stop the same thing from happening in my next anxiety attack. So I guess I kind of understand why someone would grow sick of it and give up

When I have an attack around my friend, he grows cold and distant and irritated. He always tells me “I’m sorry man I really can’t help you”. And since I’m in my other state of mind, its always a punch to the gut that he won’t even try. He will just try ignoring me and tuning me out with music. Most recently, one of the things I said during my attack was “I just really want to be someone you enjoy being around, do you not want me to come to you with my issues anymore?”
His response: “I don’t know just do what you want, just know I can’t help you. And I do enjoy being around you, just when you’re happy”

I really don’t know what to do, it usually ends up with me just constantly apologizing for my own anxiety that I can’t help. The thing that bothers me the most is that I KNOW what things can be done to help me calm down when I’m like that, but if I try mentioning it to him, he will just say “okay” and brush it off since he doesn’t want to listen to anything serious. It will just be ruining his time with me.

I don’t know, I can honestly see how someone would just stop trying, my problems only come back. But I can’t help but think “if he TRIED, and did the things that I know will help me, would I slowly get better?”. And for the record, I DO have anxiety medication, but I don’t always have it with me, and trust me when I say that he is the only friend I can go to as most of my problems are private between the two of us.

I don’t know, advice? What do my fellow dollars think?

An add-on that I think is important: my friend got out of a legitimately emotionally abusive relationship a couple months ago where his boyfriend constantly used tears and threats to manipulate him, and cut him off from his other friends. So maybe his response to my own problems is just a defense mechanism he developed from that abusive relationship?

I also have an anxiety disorder, so I think I can kinda offer you both sides of this?

Anxiety attacks fucking suck, obviously, and it does help to have someone else to help you through them. It is very understandable to want your friend to be there for you when it happens.

However, as shitty as it sounds, people aren't obligated to help with that kind of stuff, especially since if not done carefully, can make it worse. With what you said about your friend's past relationship, it is possible that he developed the response as a defense mechanism. It can be very draining for him to even try to help.

I have a friend that when she came to me for help with her issues, I felt like I was forcing myself to help her. It wasn't beneficial to either of us. So I explained it to her and told her that while I do love and support her, I can't be the one to help her with those specific problems, especially since it would remind me of an abusive relationship I had.

Maybe he does want to help you, but it would take a toll on his own mental health to do so, so he avoids it as much as he can.

Also, it is very much not a good thing to only have one person to go to for this kind of stuff. It's honestly very unhealthy and it took me a while to realize that. I know it's difficult to trust and be vulnerable with others, but you need more than one person to go to. I now have a small group of people I can discuss issues with, and I'm much more mentally stable than I was when I only went to one person. Even my anxiety attacks, which used to happen pretty much every other day, have reduced dramatically. Please do try to have other people. It will help.

My main advice would be to talk about this with him. Tell him how this makes you feel and also check in with him to see why it bothers him so much. Communication is essential in any relationship, even platonic ones. Do it over text if you have to. I know my anxiety makes it near impossible to discuss serious things verbally, so my friends understand and allow me to discuss those topics over text.

Also, if you can, find a therapist. I was shocked at just how much therapy was able to help me. And don't think that your issues aren't important enough to warrant a therapist. If it is impacting your life that much, it is important enough. (Note: not every therapist will help. Some people need to try a few different therapists before finding the right one for them)

I'm very very tired as I'm writing this so I don't know how much sense it makes, but hopefully it helps??