Often in my life I'll feel like a masochist; I want something terrible to happen to me, just once I want to feel true gut-wrenching pain, just to feel something, just to be able to fight back against something.

Somehow I feel like if I endure enough hardships, I'll earn meaning, so that my life won't be so empty. I'm only 16, and everyone is always telling me that I don't have to find meaning in my life yet, that I have the rest of my life ahead of me, but I just can't live like that; with nothing to live for.

I blame fiction. Every book I read, every song I've heard, and every movie I've ever watched has told me that life is full of adventure, and if I can just find the catalyst, the impetus, something will happen, but nothing ever happens. I have friends, my family loves me, but it doesn't mean anything. I want pain, I want hardship, god I just want to stop feeling so empty. The pain won't end but nothing ever happens, it just keeps grinding me down.

I don't want to die, but if it means not living like this anymore, I'll take what I can get.

Deep down, we all to be someone meaningful, it's hard I admit, I'm also 16, well almost 17 but I can kinda get where your coming from but little do you know that the day is coming where you'll know your meaning in life but until then we each gotta keep pushing and hoping for that day to come. My day isn't here yet either but I'm going through the days endlessly waiting for it.

So you think masochism is the way to find meaning? Eh well I’ve heard worse, could always be a homeless drug addict so that’s something. Life, all fiction aside, is boring, that’s something you’re just going to have to live with, there’s no great moment of adventure, there’s no fantasy in which we play the heroes of our own stories, we simply exist in the world. End of discussion, so if you think putting yourself in emotional or physical pain to get through life will help the mundaneness of everyday life, then you’re as stupid as the problem, no offense.

There’s no escaping it, best to just live with it, however long that may be. Cause in the long run anything “exciting” or “fun” is a fading high, fun in a moment and gone in the next. Life isn’t an adventure, it’s life, so simply grow up, you’re what 16? You should have realized that life now is as good as it’s gonna get. Don’t expect anything other than that, and harm in anyway is just plain idiotic. Oh and while you’re reading this, you should realize that “masochism” is receiving sexual pleasure from pain and embarrassment, not “I want to be put through a hardship”
Just so you know

>>3 First of all, I am aware of the generally sexual connotations associated with the word masochism, however it can be used in the context of simply deriving pleasure from pain. I don't believe that self-harm or masochism is the way towards finding meaning in my life, and I don't actively engage in self-harm or masochistic tendencies; I simply feel as though, in some strange way, that if something truly painful happens to me, I'll finally just be able to fight back against something as opposed to just feeling like a bystander in my own life.

Do you really think that I'm so moronic that I'd believe that life is like fiction, with heroes and adventure? I wouldn't be at the point that I am if I believed that; my current state comes from the knowledge that there'll be no easy, fun resolution to my problems or my hatred of this life; that nothing will really ever change.

So no, I'm not moronic fucking mongoloid who thinks he can jump into a wacky adventure by bashing his head repeatedly into a brick wall; I'm just someone tired of living like this , looking for some iota of meaning in my life.

To be cliche, life happens outside of your comfort zone. Challenge, adversity and new experiences are positive ways to bring meaning to life, as opposed to pain. I've had both tragedy (negative) and challenges (positive), and as much as the tragic things in my life have shaped me, the challenges are what allowed me to grow through the pain.

If you are able to, travel. See the real world through different lenses. The truth really is stranger than fiction.

Volunteer. Help people going through the pain you think you desire.

Take classes or learn a skill that challenges your way of thinking. It will open doors you wouldn't have encountered otherwise.

Sometimes life teaches us, sometimes we teach ourselves. I encourage you to grow outside of where you are now.

>>3 I like the part where you called him stupid. Agreed.

I, unfortunately, know the feeling.

I'm a reader and a writer. I love stories, I love good plots and narratives, and I love the idea of using words and imagery to create a new world, with characters that people can fall in love with. I use stories to try and escape the problems of reality.

"If I can't be happy here, I'll write and create a world where I- or some extension(s) of me- can be happy," is kind of what I tell myself.

As of late though, that doesn't seem to work anymore. As my life picks up, as I become more occupied with things going on and develop new responsibilities here and there, I begin to lose more and more time that I could potentially use to find something to make myself happy. Responsibility, however, is a part of life; This I will not deny.

I question dying on a daily basis. I still get calls from a suicide prevention center that checks in on me from time to time after I called on a day where I just felt horrible, couldn't focus at the gym and left early, and I was waiting for the moment where I would just decide that I was finally sure and wanted to put my plan for dying in motion.

I already have my whole plan more or less put together. I actually posted it. Still working on a few details, still waiting for a couple life events that are currently happening to conclude before I finally decide whether or not to go through with it.

You described yourself as feeling "empty." I feel the opposite. I feel more and more like I'm gradually slipping, like one of these days I'll finally be unhinged and all the bottled feelings that I have will come pouring out and I'll do something stupid. If I felt empty, I'd probably feel better than the turbulent and self-destructive way I do now.

I don't have any "special words of wisdom." If I did, I would have told them to myself and magically felt better, new outlook on life and optimistic attitude in hand. All I can really say is this: There is someone out there who can relate all too well to the feelings that you are feeling now. So you, to some extent, aren't alone with feeling that life is sheer disappointment and misery, and wanting to find what it is you're meant to do.

I absolutely hate when "I still haven't found what I'm looking for" by U2 plays on the radio at work. Absolutely hate it. As well as "With or without you," but that's a whole other story.

I won't try to push you towards the idea of ending it, but I won't try to persuade you not to either. That's entirely up to you. If either scenario makes you happy- living or dying- then isn't what matters that you find some sense of peace and happiness?

I will say this though: I don't want to die either. I'd rather live happily. For now though, I keep it as an option, hidden in metaphorical small bag that is tied tightly and thrown in a metaphorical box locked by a key.

In short, I keep the option in mind. I'd like it if I didn't have to though.

Hello,
I cant say that i've experienced feeling like a masochist but A lot of people can relate to feeling empty at times in their life. For me I experienced this recently and in truth am not completely out of feeling this way it happened because of a series of events in my life including death. what helped me to begin to feel myself again was support from my family, an online friend who was also dealing with something very similar and distracting myself with the things that bring me comfort which is reading, music, gaming and my pets. There is no clear cut answer to every situation but that cliche that life will always get better with time has truth to it. You owe it to yourself to keep trying. It is in times of adversity where we really discover who we are and what we are made of, we each are always faced with a choice to give into our grief or to get up and try again. it always helps to talk to someone who understands what you are going through my friend helped me so much if anyone every needs someone to talk to or vent to my email is kaiyo.dollars@gmail.com I also have a kik

you just be patient and it will come I felt the same and found it it in sports try soccer or something. Now i have a scholarship for it .