recently someone has pointed out to me how i never need help and i'm always there for everyone. and said i needed to worry about myself to, i'm always trying to help everyone else they said but what if i don't know how to even help myself what if i'm just in this state of mind were iv'e just stoped caring and only live to try and help people, i mean i'm not even suicidal, though i have put my self in a suicidal state of mind for an unsaid reason buu other than that one time i did that i am not suicidal at all i'm just, i don't know, and even with me writing my own situation down i'm not even able to give my own self advice about my own problem i don't get it. i'm usually not one to ask for help, actually i never ask for help at all i just figure it out on my own, but iv'e wondered if someone would come bring me out of this and iv'e been waiting for a long time, but no one has done even just that so iv'e given up on it and maybe my last hope for fixing this is... well i hate to admit to this but... asking for help X>X can anyone..please h..e..l..p me? D: and also im sorry to bother for asking for help

iv'e just read over what i said and i guess there is not enough information to go off of there, though i'm sure this has nothing to do with my problem but could be the key to it......my dad went to jail when i was little, my great and sue died when i was little and she was the only one iv'e ever looked up to then, also when i was little i lived with my mom and 3 of my aunts, also this was in primary school from pre-k-2nd grade (btw my great aunt, and two of my aunts worked at the primary school i went to, i also did gymnastics around the area too, and also when i was five my great uncle died you could imagine how traumatized a ittle kid could be about that, and then as a kid and in life i didn't know what to do once my great aunt died it's like i lost my purpose in life but i urged myself on with gymnastics, and then soon after that aunt after aunt moved out of the house we were living in and then moved along me and my mom, each finding a boyfriend and soon to be husbands it first started with my aunt Erica, i had heard her boyfriend proposed to her here was my reaction i was happy for her but after that i went in me and my moms room, and went in the closet and started crying, knowing that i'd loose her and she would move out, and then soon enough my mom (oh and before any of my aunt Erica moving out my aunt Tina moved out into my grandparents) ok back to the story... soon enough on my 8th birthday my mom found someone we visited his house a lot and they soon became married, and with my aunt Carrie she was the last one in the house left and then she soon moved in with her boyfriend (though there still not married and have no intentions of getting married,) the problem with my mom and my step dad is my mom was always working as a kid never had time for me and was never there for me really at all, having a step dad is like replacing my other dad i can't handle it, also i met my real dad only once he is actually a good person though he gave me a stuffed polar bear from build a bear and i lost it in florida i cried for three days straight and all i can do is cry about how i wish he were here, what it would be like if he were here and all that sort of stuff, see it's like my parents don't even acknowledge me nor care about me, they think im a failure, i have 2 half brothers now, my mom had one miscarriage, and also one coming on the way. the problem with my aunt Erica is that she and Aunt Carrie were the ones always there for me they were like my actual mom's and now my aunt Erica lives in Mississippi and is in the military i only get to see her when she comes down to Louisiana for Military stuff and that's it. Also my aunt Erica had 2 dogs one still is alive but depressed and the other is dead it's hard to have a dog you grew up with die when your still a kid heck i just turned 13. i'm still a little kid. And about my aunt Carrie, she has always been my leeway since all of this but then my last leeway was lost when we got the news she was pregnant, my reaction to this.... i went to go cry in my room. now she has a baby girl who has cancer she has my aunt Erica's dog and Had one of her own dogs too that i also grew up with... this dog recently was put down it is still hard on me i'm really not emotionally stable right now, and her baby has a tumor, they had surgery to get it away when she was born but it came back, though it was the same thing with her dog after each visit it was a sign of cancer she did not have enough money to keep up with her baby and her dog having cancer, she had no choice but to put her dog down, i wish i could be as strong as my aunt Carrie i went with her on the vet visit too, the second to last one, the last one they put her down, though the one i went to i tried so hard not to cry, but my aunt Carrie wan't even crying she told be after the visit to the vet, it's not time to cry yet, though i do sometimes wonder, when is it the time to cry? But I've also promised I WILL FIGURE THAT ANSWER OUT!..... ok getting off topic but also before anything about my aunt Carrie my 1rst grade teacher died now remember 2 of my aunts worked at the school i went to one of them teaching the same grade a my first grade teacher me and my first grade teacher were really close her name was Mrs. Hollinger she died of cancer, out of all the times i asked my aunt Carrie if i could go with her to visit her in the hospital there is not one time were i could, i didn't even get to say my goodbyes, or thanks to her for everything she's done... sheesh now im crying....welp moving on 3rd-4th grade wasn't that bad though i did have the hardest family life then, and then this was the time i realized im never going to see my original family of cousins ever again i grew up with my cousins my great aunt lived right across the street we got to see them a lot and then through my 3rd and 4th grades years we started going to my step grandparents every Sunday then though being forced to get along with these new people i don't even know and still don't even count them as family... i want my real family back i never get to see them, and i wont ever be able to see them again... great and now im crying even more.. well...carrying on i did get picked on a lot at school during those two years too so that didn't help either and then 5th grade-7th well, 5th grade i got bullied all year not one day went by were i didn't feel bad about my self or drama didn't happen. then comes 6th grade year me actually fitting in that year but pretending something i'm not just to get people to not be mean to me or maybe was it for attention.. see i don't even know. maybe it was both. but, i know i didn't escape the drama try getting a teacher telling you who she thinks your crush is straight in front of the class and having you move right by him when you hate the kids guts, and also have that teacher hate your guts too, hint hint, my math teacher. maybe it was both. but then comes 7th grade, and then this time my step dad doing things that could get him thrown in jail like choking my neck when he's mad, he even would grab my neck and hold me up against the wall (with my feet off the ground). and this way more things happened my 6th grade year, but them comes my 7th grade year, which is this year. and well time to introduce a new character in my story her name is Nora I've known her ever since 3rd grade, she didn't go to my school but when i changed schools around 4th grade i went to her school in 5th grade as known it was also hard for me and 5th grade think of her as my last leeway to resort to she moved away during that 5th grade year though keep in mind my step dad and her dad are best friends so we see each other all the time, but then all this time i also knew her dad was bad and a person that would hurt her i couldn't help but know i could've done something to stop the outcome of her killing herself. erm iv'e said to much i'll stop talking about my story but. can someone please help me

oh yeh and i guess i'll add on that i get sexually harassed by boys, and the only boy who was my very last resort after my best friend Nora now will be gone, so my 8th grade year will only be worse.

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I'm reading this at work, and I've gotten though most of this, but I will have to finish this later. I'm sorry to hear of all these troubles. If you need someone to talk to, my .Dollars email is always open to you if you want it. I don't know if I can help in any way, but the least I can do is give you a safe place to vent. Just let me know if you want it.

thank you so much boric, though ..... whats a dollars email?.. :T and also since I've lost my best friend iv'e had no one to say any of my problems to for a while! and well i mean there are many i could tell but i don't want to put my weight on their shoulders so i decide not to all the time. thank you so much for this!:D

A good amount of us have e-mail accounts that we use strictly for Dollars purposes. You can contact me at boric.dollars@gmail.com. That goes for anyone else who happens to read this.

That's a lot to go through for a 13 year old, I feel sorry for u. I wished I was beside u so I could hug u to make u feel better. I can relate to losing an object that reminds u of a special perosn. I want to let u know that no matter what happens in life u are loved. From the strangers u meet to the dogs on the street u are loved. Life may be rough and hard on u now but despite that look at all the positive things you've done in life. Like helping people with their problems on this site. Live life bravely with a compassionate heart.

10 years down the road you'll look back at the experiences you've had and you'll realise that all these molded u into the person u are today.

ah though, i can only hope there's only one person i have more left to loose, and life will choose if that person will be here in my life with me next year or not. and with my luck i know life will just snatch that person away like it does with everyone else iv'e ever cared for, you see there's some people i haven't said in this story like one of my best friends who's name is Aaron, only other person then Nora who knew my situation quite frankly, but he only knew about step dad i cause him a lot of trouble but he kept helping me, i would never understand it, usually people just leave me. not because, they choose to, but there are other matters in life to attend to, it's always that way you see he moved away, but he also helped me get the last person i have left to loose, you see if he'd left it just the way it was, i'd have lost everything, and i don't know i'd be,... a very trouble person per say, maybe mentally ill like bad person type ill, but bad person is just a label you see we label everything from what we've already experienced, each life has it's own variety that varies of what each person thinks what's right and what's wrong doesn't it, though we all do bad things sometimes, so aren't we all bad. that's one of the conclusions iv'e come up with. I'm also the weakest person you will have ever talked to, all i can do is stand back and cry. there is nothing i can do to help, i'm just sort off a useless person you know, i mean iv'e been helping people on here for what i know a short period of time, but it does feel good to be acknowledged that i help people, you see other than you cara i don't know if you saw this, but there was a person trying to act like me, they said these words, that's the only reason i am encouraged to keep going "i wasn't doing this deliberately, i thought that i would use a name that i found here because i couldn't think of one myself. i never thought that you would see me as an imposter. now knowing this i will stop using the alimo name. i am sorry for any inconvenience caused.i never claimed to be you. infact i kind of admire you, you always spread joy and that's something i like about you.to be honest, i keep seeing you help people on personal chat so i wanted to be like you i never thought that doing this would cause, hatred i only thought that i could help people the way you do. im sorry again i will stop pretending to be you." because of this person i am able to see light. though. i think they left they havn't answered to my reply on main bored, infact i do feel really guilty and wish they knew they had helped me a lot, but with that being said i guess i'll just try to be me for now. and about bravery, well... my name means brave but problem is, i can never find out what it means to be brave you see my 6th grade E.L.A teacher would go over random meanings that would help you with life they had nothing to do with what we were learning about but she was a big help, but sadly she got fired, last day of school she wrote these words on the back my shirt "be brave" and i'll never get to ask her what it means to be brave, and i know i'll never be able to understand those words, or ever figure them out. Lastly the word compassionate, that word confuses me too. though thank you Cara! P.S lol a hug would be nice, it really is sad that you can't be beside me right now Cara but know i have your piece of mind with me :)