I have been feeling really bad lately. My mom is no longer abusing me or my sister but somehow I feel worse. I hate myself so much because I was told that I was. “Worthless piece of shit that just burdens everyone around me” or that I was a “useless bitch” or that I “couldn’t do anything right and everything was my fault”. I know that these things aren’t true but it is still really hard for me to stop thinking that way. More recently she has told me that “all I know how to do is make everyone around me feel sick”. I have told her that saying stuff like that only makes me hate myself more but she doesn’t stop. I don’t want to tell any of my friends about his because I don’t want to burden them but I’m so tired of pretending that I’m fine. It takes so much effort to push everything down, go to school, and act like nothing is wrong. I focus on anything because of my anxiety and when I try to do my school work I start shaking and I have a hard time breathing because the added stress on top of my anxiety makes me have panic attacks. I can't go to sleep because it takes me so long to get my work done and when I do finish it's really late and I only have a few hours of sleep before I have to get up. I loose 1-3 additional hours of sleep because my mind wanders to times when she beat me or times when all I wanted was to run away. Other times I didn't mind getting beat because I thought I deserved it. Now I cut myself, not to try and kill myself, just to feel the pain that I cause everyone around me. I deserve it. Nobody knows that I cut myself because that would only make them worry more and I would cause more trouble for the people I care about. One last thing my mom says that she doesn't remember abusing me. Is that possible or is she lying to me? Anyway sorry for ranting and I apologize for burdening you guys with my problems. I just don't know what to do. Any advice would be helpful. Thanks.

That is a lot to shoulder on your own. Don't feel bad for reaching out, it is a sign of strength to admit we need help - and you sound much stronger than you give yourself credit for. Is there a counselor at school you can talk to?

You deserve a beautiful, full life.

Fellow wanderer... If theres anything Ive ever learned from walking through the endless darkness, is that the words that are apoken to you are much heavier then any beating you may recieve. "I deserve to be punished..Im useless.. Im just an annoyance.." The hurt.. they are heavier then anything else in the world.. And yet.. they may hold some purpose. Take that sadness.. remember it.. no matter how much it hurts, hold onto your scars.

Wear them proudly.

Take all those awful things that people spew into your face.. and

Prove

Them

Wrong

You feel like you wiegh others down? Then they cant see your true value you, stand up and take that sorrowful, miserable feeling.. and turn it into anger.Anger towards all the mistreatment youve recieved. Use that anger to to carry yourself forward. Prove not only to them , but to yourself that you matter.

Even as write this I weep. I understand what that pain feels like.. and getting to the point ive gotten to has been one of the greatest challenge of my life. Even now i still wake up in thr middle of the night, staring off into the darkness before slightly turning and crying off into my pillow.

You wanna scream.

But you cant.

Take that moment and tell yourself. "Tomorrow ill do better." Then try your best.And if you fail? Then you fail, accept that failer and with your heavy shoulder continue to walk forward. Its alot of work.. its exhausting.. youll feel like you just want to give up.. but then you dont. Somewhere deep down, you want do something, be something.

Ive never left the darkness.. but the wieght has gotten alot lighter..and ive grown to see a little clearer within it. You'll never leave it.. but youll learn to live with it.. but ya know what? Even though it seems to go on forever-

It can be pretty relaxing in here.

You'll learn what I mean in due time. May you find peace with yourself.

Everything will be okay.

tuum in pace