So the title isn't a lie. I know that there are probably a lot of other places I can post this, but I've always felt like it was easier to speak my mind here instead of with my friends and family or a psychiatrist or something.

So yeah.

I spend a lot of time thinking about it. Things haven't been going great in life, and it doesn't help that I live in a sort of...neutral territory on optimism and pessimism.

For me, my life is made "easier" by living as though my world is going to end at any given minute. I expect to be disappointed. If I live expecting everything to disappoint me, then it sort of softens the blow when the disappointment comes.

It still hurts, yes, but if the hope wasn't there to begin with, then it wasn't ultimately crushed. I braced myself instead of just falling back from the blow. One disappointment down, and God knows how many more to go.

I call it being "Contingent." I'm like Batman, I'll just plan for everything. If something bad happens, then I'll have a plan for it. If something good happens, then I'll be genuinely surprised and feel just a little bit happier about life and want to stay alive for a moment longer to enjoy it.

But it gets tiring. Seriously.

I have a lot of quiet time at work. I spend a lot of time to myself and my interactions with people are somewhat limited. So I have a lot of time to just sit and think if I'm not listening to the radio, disappointed that they'll run a marathon of crap songs, give me ONE good song or maybe tease me with two, then suddenly go back to crap songs.

And in that time I plan. Mainly, my suicide, my funeral, my reception or gathering afterwards, and my will and testament.

I sit and plan about how I want to find a painless way of doing it, and then I think of how I'll record a short video addressing my friends and family that might attend my funeral. I wanted to make a video using that short message, followed by a slideshow and maybe a few songs I like, like "The Mountain" by Gunship, or "Dreams" by Van Halen and "In The City" by Brian Culbertson. Message, slideshow and music done, they'll bury or cremate me (I have my pros and cons for both), and then there will be a reception of sorts where everyone gathers, and I will have already put together a track listing of all the other songs I want people to listen to while socializing and remembering me. Hopefully they won't criticize my music taste. It's a little of everything, as you can see.

Before all of that though, I would pack all my belongings. I would box and label them, set them neatly in my apartment, and then they'll be ready to be sorted or donated or thrown away.

I would leave all my belongings and whatever money I had in my bank accounts to my mother. My mother is my favorite person. She's the one person I've been around the most, and out of all the people I've met in this world she's the only one who really tolerates me the most and we have a lot of similar traits. She's more of an optimist, and me not so much, but she still prays for me regardless.

I would hate to put that burden on her, but I trust her the most. I would have her keep the money and use it however it was needed. As far as my belongings, she'd be free to keep whatever she wanted, donate the rest to charities, friends, family members, and so on and so forth. I know that she wouldn't just let it go to waste.

Is this dark, morbid and depressing? Yes. I'm well aware of that.

Is it morbid that I can laugh about it a little? Probably, yes, but I have a dark sense of humor anyways.

This is just what I think about. Even now, I'm at work and I'm actually typing this because things are that slow now that I can do this. I've been thinking about this for a while and I've probably put too much thought into it. Or, no probably about it, I HAVE put too much thought into it.

But...that's just where I'm at right now. That's how I feel. And the sad thing is, I want to go through with it. I keep telling myself that I've come this far and that I "might as well commit." At the same time, I want to live. But if things don't get better, then I might find myself making these preparations into a reality.

"At the same time, I want to live." Find purpose. You're in a dark place, and instead of you trying to escape it, i would recommend finding purpose with in it. Something to do to lead your stranded mind. A small hobby perhapes? Maybe even something as simple as going on small walks, or teaching yourself some new skills may help. Life is only as good as you make it.

Is there anyway for you to be privately contacted? I’d like to talk with you, if you don’t mind; though, this thread will suffice for getting this point across.

I believe that all of us wonder to an extent about what effect the loss of our lives would have on the world. It’s a morbid thought ,as you said, though it’s the morbidity and the idea of breaking through the monotony of everyday life that rappel to us. However, there is a fine line between an thought and an obsession. You’ve spent too much time brooding over the intricate details of it and it’s developed a psychological effect on you. The more we imagine something, the better the idea seems and our desire grows. Our imaginations are strange, but persuasive things. They can make ideas seem more horrendous than they are or aboslutely perfect. You’ve spent so much time imagining how perfect it would that now you’re mind craves that perfection and release from the burden of disappointment. However, it’s not as perfect as it seems, your mother would be devestated by your loss and she’s someone you greatly care for. Think of how difficult it would be for a mother to bury their beloved child, especially one they’re similar to. Even moreso, try to think of everything you’d be losing. You’d never be able to talk to your mother again and you’ll never be able to enjoy the little things, such as spending time with her or perhaps enjoying the feeling of warm sunshine.

Furthermore, you’ve deprived your world of light. Yes, it’s good to be conscientious of failure and to accept that you will not always get what you want. However, it’s even moreso important to remember that there is always hope and a chance that something can work out. If we never gave ourselves hope or something to believe in, we’d live our lives drained of color. As someone put it so elegantly, “Hope is like the sun, which, as we journey towards it, casts the shadow of our burden behind us.” You’ve lived without a metaphorical sun and sat in the darkness, because you didn’t want to be hurt. It may seem cliché, but having hope that tomorrow will be good can make things seem a bit brighter. It also has a psychological effect of making your mind a tad more optimistic and turned towards looking for the good. Even more, sometimes it better to have tried and fallen than to have never tried at all. The experience of chasing after what you want and letting worries be cast aside is freeing.

In short, you’ve isolated and surrounded yourself in the dark leaving only room for the little bit of light that your mother brought you. It only makes sense that your mind would slowly convince itself that there was never anything to look forwards to in the first place. However, you have hope and there is something to live for, try not to forget that. Your love for you mother might be the only thing that has kept you alive for this long and that’s okay, because love is stronger than any kind of despair. Think of all she’s done for you and all the times you’ve shared together, try to recall every single detail of those moments. She would be destroyed without you, but more importantly she is here for you. Maybe there is a part of you that still holds onto hope? I pray so, because that hope is something to cling to. Think of everything you’ve ever wanted to do and try your best to push away your mindset that all things will be a disappointment, give yourself time to dream, because those dreams are what make life worth living. Dreams can be small things, like thinking about how nice it would be to have coffee with your mom, or big such as becoming someone influential to others’ lives. They give us the inspiration and motivation we need to achieve, even if it’s impossible. Hopes and dreams are the foundations of life, without them you’re stuck in a revolving vase of negative thoughts and emotions. Can you try to think of what you’d want to see or do? If all else fails dream of your mother and how nice it would be to be happy beside her. Focus on what you have and what you can control, you have someone’s love and you can control whether things get better.

You are in control of your own destiny and if things are bad now, there’s always a way to make it think better. Even if there’s a chance of failure, throw it to the side and focus on the chande of success. Even if you feel lost or alone, focus on the love and care your mother gives you.

I hope you get better, I truly do. I understand how it feels to be stuck dreaming of your own death and to have trouble finding anything that could be comparative or better than it. Yet, our emotions blind us and humans greatest enemies are their own minds. You still have a chance at a good future and making things better. Break through that neautral territory and try to allow yourself a chance at blind optimism. If you can’t do that, then understand the reality of every outcome in life being a chance that can be either raised or lowered depending on how you respond.

Make a list of what’s important you and hang it up on the wall, take the time to go out and spend more time with your mother, give yourself a chance to breath and have aspirations, find three places on planet Earth you’d want to visit, give yourself a goal, or at the very least remember every last single thing or memory that has ever made you happy.

I pray and hope with all my heart that you see this message, and at the very least it makes you think. It’s speedily written because I have so much to say to, but I can only hope that reading this will at least make you feel less alone or at a loss.

If you don’t care to do so, please contact me at etoro.dollars@gmail.com
I’d like to help if you’ll allow me and I can probably explain things better than I’ve done. Stay safe and try to find a light 🌟

Thank you, guys. That actually means a lot.

There are a lot of things I want(ed) out of life. I want(ed) to be a writer, because as a child I wanted to be a scientist who could make people live forever. I wanted to keep people from dying. Of course, in reality that's not possible. But as a writer, I could make stories where the impossible was possible, and there would be this entirely new world with it's own characters that I could bring into existence that would live on in the pages of a novel, and in the minds of the readers who may actually enjoy it. That always seemed appealing to me.

And as strange as it sounds, I want(ed) to get married and someday be a parent. I want(ed) a spouse that I loved, and after giving it some time, we would have children. I want(ed) a boy and a girl that I could be there for. I want(ed) to deal with my own problems, and then when they begin going through their own problems, I would be able to help them. I could be someone they come to for answers. I would watch them grow, watch them live and I would be there to help to the best of my abilities, and then they'd have children of their own and I'd be a grandparent someday.

As weird or stupid as it sounds, I just want(ed) to write stories and have a family some day. Yes, I would love it if something awesome happened like I visit Las Vegas and then win millions and live a rich lifestyle and never worry about money and so on and so forth, but I mainly want(ed) to write fantasies that can distract people from the problems of reality and take them on adventures, and then have a spouse I wholeheartedly love, and two children that I can teach my nerdy ways to, and share my love of video games and things like 70's and 80's music. And overall, not feel like I'm only here to get a glimpse or idea of life, then just die without actually doing anything.

Of course, it's hard to be a parent when you're contemplating your own suicide...that probably doesn't make me fit to reproduce.

Then write away my fellow author, but don't do it for yourself. Write so that those characters within the stories you produce may live forever in a world you design. The world you design. The world may be as unforgiving or blissful as you'd like, but in the end, your characters will live through your words. Smile with them, cry with then, want to be there with them on their journey(s). Unspoken fantasy deserves to be written.

I feel like it’s because you’re a writer that you can spend so much time thinking and planning something like your own suicide. Part of being a writer is to always be thinking of new ideas, planning things in your head, going through scenarios, so part of it is that you’re doing this for something in the real world. Because you’ve put so much thought into it I’m a little curious if you could write a story about a suicide like this. It might be a good excersize because you’ll get to see the continuation afterwards, rather than simply being the end but not getting to see the true conclusion and continuation.

Another thing I found interesting is the kind of life you wanted. You said things about wanting a family and to write stories and whatnot but how much does it mean to you? In the past I’ve thought a lot about the idea of living from the perspective that it doesn’t matter if you die or not. It’s a very extreme thing, to the point where it shouldn’t be possible, and you even admitted you had goals and things you wanted to do. It’s only when you have truly nothing, no dreams or goals, no people who mean anything to you, and nothing to leave behind that you can truly live that way.

I want to ask you, is there anything you truly want to do? Is there anything you truly care about? If you’re still considering suicide it’s the same as saying that you’re dreams don’t mean anything to you. In a lot of stories the main characters go through many hardships and struggles, but they make it through because of their resolve, because there’s something at the end they want to acheive. That’s what it means to have a story.

Do you see anything at the end? Are you satisfied with ending your story half-way through? Isn’t it the struggle that makes the ending so much more satisfying? Do you want your story to be properly concluded?

I don’t usually get involved in others problems, but this one stood out to me. I’m a writer too, and am someone who’s lost interest in the real world as a whole, but it’s a similar idea to something you said. If you aren’t satisfied with the world you live in, then why not make your own? It’s something only writers and creators like us get as an option. You might find that when you get into it, you truly start to care about the characters and worlds you create. I can’t say much about the real world, but if there’s a reason to stay around a bit longer in this world, it would be for your stories.

Being a writer can be a lonely existence, one where we don’t interact with many people. We don’t really have communities and groups, maybe sometimes for short stories and fanfics, but for the most part we’re just awkward loners, off in our own worlds. Even proffessionals just hide in their little hole, only ever coming out for the paperwork and to speak with their editors. I guess that’s why I felt like replying to this, because I’m not one to interact with the rest of the world much. But us writers got to stick together, as far away from each other we may be.

Anyway, that’s my two cents. Maybe it doesn’t mean anything to you, who knows? Figured I’d throw something out there anyway.