(LONG STORY/RANT INCOMING. YOU'VE BEEN WARNED)

Over the past two years or so, my white blood cell count has been steadily decreasing. I found out in the summer of 2016 that I apparently had signs of Anemia, but never looked into it. About October or so last year I finally got it looked at, and then had a follow up for it yesterday. My white blood cell count has been steadily going down, apparently, and the doctors don't know why.

So they're going to schedule me for a bone-marrow biopsy to try and find the cause of why my WBC count is getting lower.

I'm actually scared. I've told some friends and family about it. I've been told by some that it could be because of my dieting and exercising. Everyone started looking up articles and telling me that my WBC count might have gone down because of me being overweight when I started exercising regularly and dropped a lot of weight over a year. Some said it could be because I sometimes forget or just fail to eat because I'm busy with work/errands or I'm just not hungry, or I'm trying to fast and so I put off eating till later. I started working out in April of 2017, but was already losing WBCs in 2016.

I don't know what's going on. I don't know if it's something that might be mild that can easily be found and eliminated, and I'll live a happy(ish) and normal(ish) life, or if it's something major that is going to overall change the course of my life.

I've already told my mother that if it is something major, something that will eventually kill me, that will have me getting weaker and weaker till I'm so miserable I can't stand it, then I don't really plan on sticking around. I want to go out on my own terms. If my life could be cut short because of this, then I'm going to improvise and find some way of still dying the way I want to die, and not sick at home or in a hospital bed.

I could be overreacting, and this dramatic rant isn't necessary. I could have my surgery in the next month or so, they find an infection that antibiotics can easily kill and help me recover, and I'm free to keep living and maybe even find a spouse and have children someday. Maybe. Or I could be coming to my last few days, because if that's the case I don't see myself being able to get married and have children, knowing I'm sick and overall dying. I couldn't live like that. It would gnaw at me too much for me to be able to focus on anything, no matter how big or how small the task. I wouldn't really be able to enjoy life anymore.

It just bothers me, considering that I'm finally living in my own apartment, I got a raise at work that gives me more money, I can now save money better, I was planning on getting a new car, and I was actually starting to go out more and explore instead of being stuck at home or just in this small town. And depending on what the doctors find, I might not get to enjoy that for very long.

It sucks.

I know it won't help you, but remember that even when you are dying from one day to anther, megicine is already preety good, and there is always a chance that this is just some normal, or can be healed (like in MMORPG). No matter what, im sure your family will be with you and try to help.