Hi,

I just wanted to put this here as I don’t really have anywhere else, but I have a fear of dying alone. I’m not very old, and don’t have any terminal illnesses, but I am at an age where I’m considering children and yet I have not had one single lasting relationship in my whole life.

I’m really worried that when I go I will have no family or friends to mourn me and no one will know who I was. I have work colleagues but I can say that if I ever switched jobs, I would never talk to any of them again.

I know most of this is entirely of my own doing, I’m too independent and so don’t actually need anyone with me. I’m too confident in myself so I put people off. But I’m in an environment where I have to be tough, otherwise I’ll just get walked all over and used. So what am I supposed to do?

I’ve disowned my own father for being manipulative, legally changed my last name as a result. I’m closer to my mother than I’ve ever been, and the only other family I have is a cousin and grandmother. And, save my cousin who’s only a little older. I’m likely to outlive them. And I’ll be more alone than ever and yet too set in my ways to do something about it.

I’m currently trying with a relationship, online dating because I don’t actually go out to meet people, and I’ve met someone, and they are really nice and I feel we will get on really well. However, at the same time I’m thinking, I’m not sure if this would work out, and what would it be like if we ended up living together? Could I cope with someone there all the time? And I’m also thinking, if this doesn’t work out, I’m not going to bother.

And I don’t want to be thinking like that. I see parents and children and I want that, but it’s like I want it, but without having to be in a relationship. And I know that’s an option, I could adopt, or there’s artificial birthing, but it wouldn’t be the same. They wouldn’t be my own.

I really don’t know, I think I just lack the courage to go ahead and try things fearing that everything will go wrong...

>because I don’t actually go out to meet people

That's a first point, meeting poeple (in a sport club, ...) is important, and easy when you're used to it.

And don't worry about meeting someone, it's not some kind of jail.

I guess you should try to narrow down your search as much as possible. Look for people with similar goals in life, interests and things like that. I’m actually quite curious of this idea you’ve presented of wanting kids but not a relationship. One could say that you’re looking too far ahead and have your priorities and intentions in the wrong place. I’m not one who expects much from most peoples relationships, so rather than having the perspective of needing to find someone, I think more along the lines of that I’m lucky if I can find someone that it will work with, and have realistic expectations, trying not to be biased by the thoughts of how appealing it might ideally be.
Another aspect of this is that it’s rude to “pretend” to love someone, when you don’t truly care about them in that way. As negative as I’m sounding, I do believe in relationships, especially in your case. You see, if you’re someone who pushes others away and isn’t close to anyone then it might work even better, if done right, and will mean much more to you. Think of it like finding your other half, so that become complete. Rather than being a different person, they’re one with you, and a part of you, so they can exist in this category of “you”, rather than being part of “everyone else”.

Well, that’s my rant. I dunno if you got anything out of it but I wish you the best of luck ^^

>>3 Solid advice mr. or Miss Fish Tree. You Might wanna get yourself a tripcode so that the people's here don't confuse us for eachother.