Hello. Before you read this, I am not asking for a reply or advice. I am not denying it, but you don't have to read. This will be long, and more of a rant because I have no one to speak my mind to, and my mind is a storm, I just need to get my thoughts out there. If you do, I appreciate it, if you don't, I wish the best in life wherever you go.

And so we begin.
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I have a fear of time. It looms over my life like a heavy fog, dense and perpetually invasive. This feeling isn't entirely new to me, even before a few years ago when it truly took its current form I am writing about.

I had to have been 11, or so. Brought about as I was close to becoming a teenager. My childhood is very choppy, many memories I piece together. Very foggy and patchy in how I remember. Only select few events I remember crystal clearly, this being one of them I can oddly recall word by word, and even tap into how I felt.

I was alone, this I was sure of, this night opposed to my older brother on the bunk bed below me. I was bawling my eyes out, drenching my pillow. I was fixated on my mortality as a human. Of course I hadn't phrased it or thought like that as a kid, I remember specifically the conversation I had with myself.

"I don't wanna grow old, I don't wanna die."
To counter myself, "It's fine, y'know? In 9 years, you'll be 20. 9 whole years! That's so far away!"
I was afraid to become older, I didn't want to become a teenager, which became an adult, which became an old man, who eventually died.
And here I am, 9 whole years later. And the feeling has returned, or at least has become this noticeable and severe. At first it plagued my mind abrasively and obnoxiously like I was when I was younger. But now, it has settled itself as a staple function in my mind. It planted its process in the back of my mind as a ruthless reminder, a constant CONSTANT CONSTANT CONSTANT reminder. Every. Single. Second. It pulls, it tugs, it rips at my thoughts every second I get to myself throughout the day, it has to tell me. It has to tell me. What?
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Everything I do is now gone. It is now the past. History. Gone from my grasp, never able to experience it again without cost. Every second I spend writing this, every key I press, I am told it is time spent. Every day it's here. It has never gone away by itself, I always have to push it away to the back of my mind. But that doesn't help in the long run.


Humans, I believe, enjoy the "present moment" of life to cope with their undeniable mortality. We enjoy the moment of playing fetch with our dogs, meeting new friends and enjoying their company and conversation, watching movies. We enjoy the emotions we have in the moment.

I can't find the ability to do that comfortably. I fear it. Isn't it pathetic? A sensation we have to bring warmth to our sad ends to me only adds more dread. Why?

Because I can cherish the smiles of my younger siblings, the laughs with my older sister, my parents. I can enjoy a night on the town my loved ones. My life from every angle can be considered good, great even. I have so much to love and hold dear, and I do, but that only makes me more miserable.

I don't mean to sound like an emo, angsty teen who "No one understands my phase!", I am truly tormented at how I come off that way when what I feel genuinely cripples me.

And that's because of that fear that I cannot shake. Every moment of happiness I experience, at the end of the day is shifted into a ruthless reminder. Time's cold, cruel touch lays itself on my soul, and with it, whispers to me that everything is now gone, and everyone you love and saw today has an expiration date, they are temporary, your happiness is temporary. Your life.

It follows me no matter what I do. I can let it flow and shape how I experience my day-to-day happenings, or push it back to see things as clear as I can, but when I come home, or just have a moment to myself, I have it all crash down and stab me with its serrated reminder.

I fear to enjoy life's warmth and love when it gives it to me. I, myself, ruin it. No one else, nothing to blame. I can hardly blame how I feel, as I have no idea how to classify it. I hate self-diagnosis, I have talked to those around me willing to listen, and they have no idea what to say or do. And as I've said, I dislike how I come off when I speak on it. It sounds petty and I hate to bring it up when I don't have to, really. Added to this is that I have no idea how to express myself clearly to showcase my exact feelings.

At this point I should see a doctor, or therapist, but hell if I have the money for that. I just wanna know what it is, so I am not waving my fists through the smoke surrounding me and draining my mental strength day after day.

I've been told to meditate, which I've tried, but how I feel, it rips the efforts of meditating and drives my anxiety up the wall and shoves the passage of time to the forefront of my mind.

I truly envy the people who are able to "Enjoy the moment" And "Live life by the second."
By the second.
By the second.
I've come to realize a new meaning to that. By the second. I live by the second, quite literally. I idle by and watch every second go by. I hardly EXPERIENCE the things around me by the second, I just live by the second. And I dread actually experiencing things around me, as it only sharpens the blade when it comes tumbling down. I cannot win.

And it's maddening to live with this every single day. I don't know what to do anymore, there's nothing I can do. Practical methods are seemingly impossible, and medical intervention is beyond my capabilities, or at least any other way is beyond what I know, who knows.

I just want this gone.

It's true that time flows. No one can do anything about that. But that's exactly why we humans have a tendency to live in the present, look forward to the future, and cherish the past, right? Just remember, the only one who can control this fear of yours is you. If you keep agonizing over every second, you won't be able to truly experience anything. So, try not looking at a clock for an entire day. Just do whatever—go out with friends, draw, read, your hobbies. Remember that time should not be your master, but that you should be the master over how you use that time.

I don't know if my words will offer you any insight/reassurances, but your post made me take a moment to self-reflect. And so this is my reply.

If there is one thing I could wish for in this lifetime, it is immortality. I hate the concept of death - and by extension, I hate the inevitable passing of time.

I acknowledge, of course, the fact that no one can stop the flow of time. Growing older is a fact. Time is always ticking down. Everything is fleeting - every experience temporary.

It is for this reason that I make everything I do count. For me, that means that I make sure that everything I do, I do because I want to.

At the risk of sounding hedonistic... you should do whatever that makes you happy (within legal boundaries, of course).

How do you do this when society places so many expectations on you, etc etc etc?

Simple; pardon the language (I don't know a better way of expressing this): Over the years, I have simply given fewer and fewer f**ks about shit that doesn't concern me.

Why? Because time is ticking down - and I am sure as heck am not going to waste it on matters that do not concern me / not of importance to me.

As for the ticking timer that looms in the background? I'll be damned if I let it stop me. Let's see how many ticks I can tick off on my list of things to do before the sand in the hourglass runs out.

indeed, time makes me anxiuous, its quick when you want it slow and slow when you want it quick. sometimes time runs out when youre unable to synchronize. however, don't tell yourself its a fear or else it will be, don't teach your subconscious what's untrue, just say "i can." and you will defeat time, i promise. ^_^

"don't teach your subconscious what's untrue"

rare interesting wisdom

wonder how valuable

might apply to funnies

..shiba inu..