So I will vent here because the feedback could better than IRL for some odd reason. I don't know, anonymous people responding has been more honest than IRL.

For a long time I felt depressed and for a long time I have taken my own steps to make myself better. I workout every morning (Insanity with SHaun T because it kicks my ass), from time to time I journal, I meditate and even gotten into art

The thing about my depression is that earlier this year I attempted suicide. Why? Because the community of Christians I surrounded myself with turned out to not be so great people. I had girlfriend and because we were "different" (she was a white girl and I was not) the community peer pressured her into breaking up with me and not talking to me ever again. The breakup is something neither of us wanted as she was crying while she broke up with me. Like a lot.

Of course things did not go better from there. Every one I knew stopped talking to me. For more than a year I was alone in the city that I loved. I became a shut in. I tried to message my friends but no one responded. I was outcasted from my friends and even the church I used to go to.

It affected everything about me. Time for me became a jumble, I wouldn't be able to get out of bed and it affected all aspects of my life to the point that I didn't even pay my rent.

My roommate was not helpful. She basically harassed me and spread rumors about me, that I heard because our rooms weren't that separated.

I got evicted from my apartment the day of my birthday and on that day after everything. Well... I called it quits. In my first attempt I came out and thought that it was stupid that I had to fight it but then... my roommate barged into my room, I had a bandage under my wrist trying to stop the bleeding.

She sees it and what does she do?

She asks me if I tried and then proceeds to dump on me everything horrible thing she could say about me. Everything that everyone ever said behind walls and to my girlfriend, now ex.

I lost it, I cried and said I was sorry but her respond was...

"I don't have any sympathy for you. If you think that I will, you are wrong. You are scum."

My mind went blank, all I could think was "I just needed a reason to not do it, but look at this. I am a horrible person, it will be better for me to not be here anymore. I will lock myself in the bathroom and not come out."

That is when I went for my second attempt more motivated than before that it was the right thing.

It all turned into a shithole. It seemed that everyone found out that I attempted because the story went around. From that I had friends who did not even bother to check on me.

In the end, I moved away. To never return to the city again.

Not even a month after I moved out a police officer knocked at my door with a restriction order from my now ex girlfriend.

I called her a bitch once after months of trying to contact her after she disappeared on me.

I did not know how to defend myself. How do you defend yourself from such a claim? I did message her a lot and I did call her a bad name. I thought people get over it the same way that I have to but I never thought a Restriction Order was the way that it would end.

When the hearing finally takes place I find multiple truths. First of all, someone told her about my attempt and she went to the church that I was outcasted from after the breakup for advice. They told her that because of my suicide attempt that I was dangerous and the she had to go through the Restriction Order in order to be safe. Second, I found out that she or some of her friends that were also my friends, they were snooping through my social media.

I have an Instagram that is dedicated to my art. In it I draw anything. In one post I drew a picture I had of us and wrote a goodbye letter, to give myself some closure since I never got any closure.

That post was used as an Exhibit in her case. A post she should not have access to as I started that page 6 months after the break up.

While the judge didn't see that my actions came from a bad place in the end the judge doesn't know me so the judge asked her how she felt. Of course the response was not in my favor.

That left me destroyed, broken. I locked myself away and don't come out only if it is to work or because I have to.

Depression was at it's worst.

I tried to contact my old friends but they only say that I am drama. They refer to the suicide attempt and all the rumors about me. One rumor which I overheard was that I made a threat to her and her family. That was not true because if it were it would have appeared as an Exhibit in the case next to the Instagram picture.

So I am alone.

I tried to contact a friend that I had when I first moved to the city, we talked for awhile about me struggling with Christianity and the fact that I hate it since it was at the center of all those negative interactions I mentioned. All of those people who hurt me were Christian.

My friend did not have a response and had to go. Then pretty much never contacted me till I started to message asking what was going on and telling her that maybe she doesn't care about me because it was ludicrous how she left me on hold when I was opening up to her. I told her that it made me frustrated how she always seems to have time for boys but not for her friends and told her that I don't understand how she can have a long distance relationship from across the world but when I come to her she cannot lend 5 minutes for a response.

Her response to all this was "Those relationships are different." Basically that I was just a friend so it is not priority compared to a boyfriend.

And this is where I am.

I am frustrated, angry, sad, anxious, etc. etc.

All of it has piled up and I have lost feeling, emotion and value to things in my life.

There is no justice, there is no love, there is nothing.

My depression is only heightened under the history that I mentioned and it is not like moving on will simply fix anything.

That's sounds life a really rough life. It seemed really shocking how so many gave such little sympathy for you, their are way better people you could have as a friend. I think that you should find yourself some new people to talk to. It's bad to surround yourself with people that are toxic towards you. You don't really need to be in a rush either, you could just maybe go online and chat with random or maybe at pubs, any rec centers, or maybe any kind of public meetup. I never really had seen a church that was so against you, my churches are really supportive and acceptive of many things. Maybe look for a more accepting church so you could keep you faith and social life. If you have some troubles, a psychiatrist could help listen to your problems if you have the money.

ik the Feeling man. i have been away for awhile but me and my gf are breaking up and it fucking hurts so much that i needed a place to vent, we have been having problems with talking to her due to our schedules, see she works third shift and i am a high school student making it, extremely tiring to talk to her and get enough sleep so that i can wake up and function without passing out, there are more factors to this, in addition its exam week, so im stressed and depressed, so ik what your feeling ..

Firstly, I'm sorry that those things happened to you, nobody deserves to be treated like that, especially if you were genuinely asking for help.

Don't get me wrong but people do not know what really goes on in your mind, how are you feeling, and all.. that is why some assumes that you're just all "drama". Some people see "Suicide attempt" as a way to gain sympathy, sometimes it does and sometimes it doesn't, and people nowadays are apathetic... the people who doesn't care about you will always think that.
Religion is BS (personal opinion) if you have faith, then cling to that faith, not in some religious cult.

A piece of advice... Love yourself first before others. And yes you can move on, it won't be simple but it can fix anything, though it will take time. I don't know how you will go about it, but If you really want to, you can do it.

Thank you all three for responding and sharing how you feel. Did not think that anyone would respond. I will try to respond to each one of you properly. Glad that the community on this website allows for such long winded conversations to happen without negative repercussions.

>>2 I agree, so many people with such a lack of sympathy that it is sometimes hard to communicate about it. For me it does not seem real so because for me it does not seem real, it becomes a challenge to share about it and sound like reliable source.

In the end I had to move out from the city and practically start over a new life. Even though I am staking such steps to start over, it has just been difficult due to the acquired stoic nature I have received because of all the events. It is difficult to have trust towards others when it is apparent that I have to keep my guard up all the time. Being a guy closer to graduating and all.

So maybe things will get better but I have no hopes for it to be. In the end the culture that I live in within the United States, WI is really an empty culture.

Also Church culture is aggressive under all their positive messages, If you mess up like I did the punishment for it outweighs any form of help. Going to church for me gives me anxiety so if I go is with a lot of time in between.

>>3 Thanks for sharing your own feelings, Sleepy Sheep. You still have college to look forward to. So keep on studying. I guarantee you that some colleges have girls that are a thousand times better. It might not look like it now but I felt the same way in High School but because I was so hung on some girl from HIgh School I did not open up for the chance of someone who was truly great and influential in my own life.

>>4 Lol Thanks for the head hog. He is a cute buddy.

That is what happened to me. People thought that I am just wanting attention, my ex gf thought that it was all for manipulation rather than me being open to her about how I felt. So it made everything worse. So I am not compelled to share anything at all, only in here because I am anonymous. People have been so apathetic that I have become more careless about my interactions with others. It is like everyone is a monster and i have to be erratic to defend myself.

Thanks for the encouraging advice. I hope things work out but I truly dont know. My intellectual side has admitted that things wont get better or be the same. Life has permanence when it come to punishment and bad things like that. At least that is what Ive seen.

Sorry for the late response, I'm not sure if you'll see this but I'm gonna post it anyway in case it helps you or anyone else out. The advice I'm going to give here may seem strange, and feel free to disagree with what I say if it seems unhelpful. Religious organizations tend to be unhelpful and out of place in modern society in my opinion, so it doesn't really surprise me that a church wasn't helpful to you. My advice would be to find a music scene that you really like and go see shows that happen to be nearby. Personally, I have found music genres like metal and punk rock and hardcore punk or any other denomination of heavy music to be particularly helpful, because they not only allow for you to vent more easily, but also because the people in such communities are actually nicer than people think, the community is practically one big family where pretty much everyone cares for everyone else, and the only ones who get shunned are the ones who act like assholes and start fights or act like assholes. This is just from my experience though, it might not always hold true. Regardless, if you're still in a really bad place then that's what I recommend you do. Feel free to disagree though, everyone is different and this might not be helpful to you, I don't know you well enough to tell, so I hope everything works out for you

>>6 Your proposal is interesting but I really don't know anybody who fits that description. Maybe the punk culture is more friendly than religious culture. Heck my toe nails are more friendly than religious culture.

Also I don't know much about punk rock culture.

I'm sorry so many terrible people have shown up in your life, the way they've been treating you isn't right. I want to start by saying great job for hanging on so long, and great job for asking for help. These are both very hard things to do. I am currently facing my own depression, but for very different reasons from you. I have a lot of people in my life who are very supportive and who want to help me. I don't know if I could have hung on as long as you in your shoes, without the support I have. My recommendation, get away from these people who are hurting you so much. It sounds like you've already moved away from home where it all started, but terrible people seem to follow you everywhere. If you can, I would recommend to see a counselor. Many people look down on those who see counselors, but those same people are the ones who think mental health is a way to seek attention. They are idiots. Mental health problems are becoming more and more common. Counseling really does wonders, it has helped me, and will continue to help me as long as I need it. Once you get counseling and cut ties with those hurting you, I recommend you join a club or something that shares a passion with you. Something like chess or martial arts. If you can find an art club go for that. I really wish this world weren't so cruel. It's the cruelty of this world that so often hurts us. It is the reason for increasing mental health issues. Hang on, don't give up hope. Despite the world's cruelty, there are ways to have a good life. I hope this helps, and good luck!

>>8 Thank you, Hitsuji.

I am currently taking those steps. Well I do not have time to add a counselor on my schedule but I am trying to build a new life where I am. I wish that it was easier because it is difficult to interact with others when the same archetypes are everywhere.

The hardest ting is letting go of my old life. I enjoyed my old life. But I cannot get back to it. So it is almost like a death in that way. I wanted for things to go back and for it to get fixed somehow, but I am hated.

I am having difficulties finding fulfillment in the life that I have now. If the life that I had, which took me years to build can break in such a way, this new one is not so different.

I cannot count on others and a support group is so impossible. Everything I have done in the past 2 years have seemed to go wrong so I would not understand the difference in it now.

It is not that I want to try to build a new life. It is that I have to.

Just read all the thing. First at all, I feel sorry to you bro, those people make u feel so much hurt. I never had that kind of situation in my life so I dont know how to help you but I want to to share something that I found on fb last year
"Religion is a joke. Nowadays, almost all people are a believer. Yet, did they know what they believe? They use their religion to become a person outside but in the inside, they did the opposite."
Last from me, try visit to another country, live like a week or two, make friend over there, if better, live over there or something. Yeah this sound like run away from the past but.... i guess it better than bearing those emotion? Sorry if my word doesnt help ya

>>9 If you ever need someone to vent your feelings on, as a proxy counselor, feel free to email me at hitsuji.dollars@gmail.com
I'm not certified as a counselor, but that is my career goal after I get the schooling, and I have been helpful to a few people in talking through their problems with the psychology knowledge I do have.

>>10 I don't think living in another country would be an option for me.

>>11 I might make use of that. The toughest thing for sure is not having anyone to be able to vent to anymore or just be able to express the situation too.

If I were to it would just make everything worse.

I recently lost a friend,who told me that I am nothing else but a problem and proceeded to tell me that we were only friends because we just happened to be on the same group and nothing else.

If I were to talk to someone, it has repercussions that I didn't intend to have.

Like the suicide attempt resulting in a restriction order and me posting on Instagram resulting as an Exhibit in the case.

I think the biggest thing is that being alive is a mistake. If I could go back to that bathroom where I was asking myself if it is worth it, I would for sure convince my own self that it isn't worth it.

There is no reason to be alive.

After almost a year trying to find that "thing" that makes it worth it, I have only found more reasons of why ending my life was a logical choice.

I am not loved, I am always in people's ways. No one I know would ever tell you I am a good person.

I am only a disturbance.

hey man don't beat yourself up come on down to North Carolina we don't have many bad people we avoid physical confrontations "mostly" and we got some nice people and good kick-ass food, my dude, hey that girlfriend of yours don't worry about her she's not the only fish in the sea there is also a rare food you can only get in locations near or in NC its called hush puppys

What era is this? 1860?? who give them damn fuck how they judge you?? your life, your ways, your decision. damn, I really hate racist people.

>>14 (you) also 1860 is not an era, it's a year 😂

>>12 You seem to think talking to someone will have negative repercussions. You've had them before in your life. I promise you are safe with me. This is a completely anonymous thing, neither of us can do any more to the other than the words we type.

You say nobody would say you are a good person, that you are no more than a disturbance in people's lives. I want to tell you that there is nobody more important in this world than you. You can fully understand only yourself, and nobody else will ever have that ability. The same goes to others, try as you might, you'll never be able to understand what another is thinking. You can make an educated guess, but nobody can ever know for certain. Because of this, it is important to live your life for you, nobody else. It is easier said than done, I know, I've struggled with it to. However, if you find a way to do things because you want to do them, rather than back out of things because someone else thinks you're bad at it, or get a career your parents want for you, you will find yourself in full control of your world. That's how I like to think of it. Each one of us lives in their own separate reality, where we are the protagonist of our own stories.

Human interaction is important, I know. We can never feel like we belong without it. However I do not believe this requires you to become someone you are not to obtain it. Just as important as human interaction, probably more, is being the person YOU want to be. Nobody else should be at the helm of your life.

On a completely unrelated note, typing this with that picture >>15 on my screen was quite the experience. Every time I looked up I saw it staring at me.

I think it's time you looked for a change of scenery, whether you move somewhere new or just make an effort to go out more. It's on you.

Try joining some exercise groups, go to some new classes, meet new people, go to conventions. Mix it up. But start by learning to like yourself, a large part of that is letting go. You're you, whether you're good or bad what you do determines that.

You're also the company you keep, if people are toxic in your life you don't need to be around them, your mental health is just as important as anyones and will improve if you have space, just, don't force yourself to be around people who aren't good for you, you shouldn't feel obligated to listen to them either. Just keep trying to move forward and things will get better a step at a time, yes you'll miss the old people in your life but you'll be better without them and definitely happier.

>>16 Hitsuji, I will take your words to heart. You are right about it being anonymous here. That is why once in awhile I come here to just be able to talk to other Dollars about how I feel. I still do not know what it means for me to have human interaction. It is not that I am an awkward person I can be quite social, it is that the connection aspect of it I seem to not be able to connect with. Being friendly with someone in a distant way vs being close to someone. I function well as I can keep a job that requires me to talk to people but in my personal life I am unable to create any bonds. I look unto myself all the time because that is the only thing that I have now. Everybody who I knew and loved 2 years ago has left me. So if I don't count on myself I do not know on what else I would be able to count on.

>>17 How Dare, I appreciate your advice. I think I struggle with the letting go part. Mainly because I really cannot trust anyone anymore. If the girl that I knew for years hurt me in such an extreme way, along with my friends from years, the church that I went to and so on. I do not know how someone who does not even know me will fare. I cannot save the relationships that mean the most to me, I would not know how to even start developing a connection with others. Because in the end those connections will break all the same.
I do not think that I am a person that is meant for such things. It isn't just one relationship but many. So even when I try to start a new community, it all feels... the same. The lies, the fakeness, the lack of caring. So because it smells the same I will not allow anyone else with the same stench hurt me the same way again. I cannot allow people to get close so they can hurt me. I have 1 HP and it is a red critical bar.

>>13 I have heard NC is a good place but I am established were I am. Job, school and everything. Moving would be near impossible. I think at least.

>>14 I dislike them people. But even though I dislike them as much as you do, cannot change the fact that they won. I lost the fight to them and I am the one who has to deal with that defeat.

>>18
Nice analogy. 1 HP. I really can't think of anything to say that might help, but good luck and i hope you meet some people who ain't fake because fakes are just turds

>>18 I have social anxiety and depression, so I kind of know where you are coming from not being able to connect with people. I don't know if this is the same for you, but my therapist showed me that often in social situations I make excuses not to do things because it scares me. I get the feeling your situation is very different, but may have similarities with mine. It seems like you've given up trying and want others to be able to fix it for you, it's just hurt too bad every time in the past that you have tried. I honestly don't have a solution to this problem, as I am in a similar place. All I can say is good luck, and I hope you can get through this hard time in your life.

okay ima make it short so that u have more time :")

first
dont blame yourself. it makes everything pointless. ure struggle, your effort. all of it.

second, to be honest i think it was a good thing that u were evicted from your house, or else you will still be there in that shithole, unable to see a way out.

third,
make a new life.
new friends, new groups. let everything in the past lock itself.
confront it when it approaches you, and we DOllars are here for ya.
when you find people are unable to help you in real life, you can come online :")
we'll be here for ya xD

btw
i'll recommend deleting anything that connects with ure past life.
that'll just bring negativity into ure life.

do you believe in god? cuz if you do, then lets just say that this is a test from god. to prepare you for the future bruh.

lmao im not always online,
but ya can contact me on Kik= BooWD
i cant type much more here


thanks for looking at this text amidst all those around it
gluck bruh, and hope that peeps will understand