1 Name: Blues : 2017-11-05 03:32 ID:kyCtYlFB [Del]
Hey, so. I gotta question.
So, lately, I've just been.. Sad. Generic and excusable, I know, but here's the thing. I got nothing to back it up. See, I ain't ever lost someone, ain't homeless, going broke, on the streets, sleeping in the bus stop (yet. You never know when things can change in the world, just sayin')
I gotta steady job, steady relationships with friends, etc. All that good shit, y'know? And as a side note I'm 20, last I checked, so how much experience can I have under my belt to REALLY experience sadness, right? And, it's not too hard of an effort to put on a positive appearance, but that's just it, yeah? It's an effort, a small one, but an effort. Like when you manually start breathing (sorry.)
Lately, I've just had that heavy feeling in the soul, just a crippling sensation when I dwell on it, often crying because of it. Yeah I cry, never trust a dude who doesn't, take it to heart, my man.
It's bad, it's gotten worse, and it's really turned from a tugging feeling to becoming a newspaper flying onto the windshield looking out on life. And the fact I don't have an attack point is what's killing me. Is it even rational to have this apparently deep-rooted sadness when I got nothing to show for it?
I ain't suicidal, I know it's never an answer to any problem. Ever. Look, kid, who's maybe dealing with somethin' and also reading this, don't. No- No shut up. There ain't a reason you can muster in that brain of yers to convince anyone ever that suicide is justified. Shut up. I love you.
Tangent aside, I ain't like that. But, I do have a mind for heavy existential thoughts n' shit. And, laugh all you want, but I have a big fear of time. The passing of it. My mind can't help but view my life in the grand scheme of the infinite concept of time, and how each typing of each key and every second is now in the past, history, I can never go back. Just a few moments ago, revealing my fear of time to you, is now a memory. That's a memory. And so is this. And so is this. And so is this.
I do that just about any time I'm not occupied with something. It'a vicious cycle that puts my mind in an agitated state. I dunno if it's connected to how I feel recently, but it sucks.
WOWIE ZOWIE I'M JUST GOING OFF ON EMOTIONS AND RAMBLINGS, DEAR DIZZITY DARYL.
But can you blame me? Heck I have no friend willing to listen, it sucks. And bottling emotions sucks, and this post is the equivalent of just writing on a piece of paper and burning it afterward. But the reason I'm saying it HERE, is because, if anyone wants to "Hey same, my man. I get what you're laying down, my bambino. I can relaaaate, maaaan." .. That's not what I think you sound like, but you get it. Whether to just kinda realize we're not alone, or if you have some kinda answer of any kind, I'd appreciate it. Even tho therapy is probably a common one I'd get if I ever told someone, I dunno. I have trouble expressing myself like that in great detail. Never got the chance to in my life growing up, I don't have that silver-tongue cadence in expressing. SO, GUYS, IT'S OKAY TO EXPRESS YOURSELVES. Please do it. Those "lol fag" jags probably have issues themselves, and I can't stress enough how important it is. Makes life ahead easier if you get used to doing it.
But yeah, wrapping this vent up, I wanna say thanks for just reading this. I'd offer you a cookie if I knew you, cause I do appreciate your time. But! For you TL;DR peepers out there, here's what I'm asking:
I'm sad, probably depressed but I hate self-diagnosis, but I don't have any reasons to back it up. Is it reasonable to be sad without any apparent cause? Cause whenever I face the feeling head on nowadays, I realize it's much bigger than I thought when I delve into it and realize how crippling it is. The hell is wrong with me.
