Sometimes I don't understand myself. I know I shouldn't be depressed because so much other people has a harsher life, including child abuse, but me? I live in a normal family, a normal area, everything's normal. Nothing's not even bad. I can't tell anyone I'm depressed or just sad, I don't want them to leave me or hate me (Happened multiple times), or call me "edgy". But sometimes, I feel so free or happy, it's not everyday, but when I get this feeling, it just hurts and you just want to cry. You want to die because you know life won't get you anywhere, but you're too much of a coward to do it.

I sometimes just get a feeling of numbness, but I think it's peaceful and a nice sensation. To not feel anything, it feels like heavens sometimes. No tears, no anger, just peace. I want to feel compassion and comfort friends when they're sad, but I don't know how..When I get sad, I vent it out on a private chatroom where no one can ever see or hear, or just bawl my eyes out. Sometimes, I don't even know why I'm sad! But if I do, it's that I miss my friends, get anxiety (school, particular teacher), or that I just feel very lonely. I would kill to have them back as my friends..but I'm just a coward. Even if I feel lonely, I can't help it. I get annoyed and avoid, or rather, push them away from me if they get too close. It's hard.

I have to also live 7 months with a particular teacher..she does nothing but gives me constant anxiety. She even threatened to drop my grade down if I don't start speaking up; I'm generally a quiet student, so I can't. Even if I try, it's useless. It's too hard, I just want to break down and roll into a little ball. But you know? I don't like shutting up all the time and sitting down for seven hours. Sometimes I wish my family and friends would understand. But they never will, and will never hear about this anyways.

I'm sorry if this lowered your mood..but is there someone that would actually relate? Thank you for taking your time to read this, I just had a huge pit in my stomach, I just wanted to release it and ask for help. If there's anyone there, that would be really nice. Sorry if this is too long.

It sounds like social anxiety, it's nothing to be ashamed about. You'll find that you may over analyse things that you do or will do in the future. You aren't a coward, don't even consider yourself as such. The best way to overcome situations such as the one with the teacher, is to find what makes you feel comfortable and explore how to expand that into your school life. If you find comfort in reading books or listening to music try and find a way to listen or read whilst being in the bathroom or in between classes. The best way to find confidence in who you are, is to know what you undeniably good at and that is what makes you comfortable.

You aren't an oddity, you aren't alone, you know yourself better than anyone else. Seek comfort and don't be ashamed to do so.

The teacher also wants nothing but a perfect class full of loud students and perfect handwriting, etc. She lacks the empathy for quiet people so I doubt it would work. Not even electronics or reading books in the bathroom or between class are allowed. I'm afraid that if I seek comfort, they would walk away from me or does not genuinely care. Sometimes I feel two-faced, acting kind and quiet when I'm actually just a loud and exciting girl. But when it goes to public, my voice just shrinks.

But thank you for caring.

You think too much, bro. 60% of the problems you have are in your head, cut it down to about 20% by not thinkin' so dang much.

Wubba lubba dub dub!