sorry if my words look confused , english isnt my native and those words stuck in my head are not bearable somehow ...

the truth is im suffering alot
i know the reasons , the causes and the solutions of all my problems truly well
well enouhg to makes me feel sick because i dont know what i should feel
for myself , ive repeated to myself lonely and silently
' you dont need anyone to guide you because you know everything
only consequence you will face after telling someone your selfish problem is cause them trouble and waste their time '
i know that me , myself worth my beloved's love
i know that he will always listen to my cry
i know that i can feel save and being weak
i know that im so lucky having good life , good friends , good family and everything
i know it all
but those truth i realized arent what my feelings believe
im still scare and afraid
i feel sorry whenever i feel bad , have noone by my side and cause trouble to him because he is the only one i know
i feel sorry because i cant tell him directly that im not fine , i want his help , i lied to him because im too afraid

sometimes when i have suicidal thoughts or hurting myself idea
im not be able to committed them because i know that these will make my family and beloved worry about me
i dont want to be their burden
i dont want to harm their feelings

but my own feelings are killing myself from inside
i love them
i dont want to be hated by them
i want to be good enough

i know
i know
but i still feel so sad ...

i , me , for only once
i want to be brave enough and being honest to my feelings
i want to say "anybody please save me"
...

but im just a coward
so at least , trying my best , i want anybody to know this thought of mine

from this coward ...
i want to be good enough to be able to say it properly that "anybody plese save me"
...

The answer is simple yet hard to grasp. You have to have strength to change. If you're not happy being a coward than change, train hard so you get stronger.

Flatout is right. You're in a slump now and your feelings are weighing you down, but you have to get the ball rolling. Beginning change is always the hardest, but you have to trust that it can help. It may be forced and against your feelings, but progress can only be made by pushing out of your comfort zone.

why i cant reply to my topic ...
test test

ah finally

err ...
mr. flatout and mr. urbanflow

if , maybe , if this act of mine can be called as my first step of me accepting myself and reaching out for help out of my comfort zone
i want to thank you for making this first step of mine so warm

yesterday me didnt expected this kind of result
i just want to shout out loud i want to be saved but i cant done it straightforward so i came here
and today
i saw both your answers and feel so warm

your kindnesses are so warm
thank you so much
i dont know what i should feel or type here anymore but thank you
thank you so much

You are extremely welcome! The key is baby steps. I wish you a smooth path to happiness, and just remember that there are people here for you as well as in your everyday life.

thank you for your warm and sweet words , mr. urbanflow

sorry that i dont know other words to tell you how your reply makes me so happy , warm and relief ...
this is ... im not sure but
this is maybe , my first time being saved by anybody , by somebody , by someone who completed stranger to me but still this warm ...

is this something you call 'random act of kindness' , i saw it once in my english textbook
kindness is always this warm and sweet , i wonder ...
will it be bad if im crying over this good act of yours , mr. urbanflow ?

anyway , sorry about my 'not that good' english , im trying

Happy crying is never a bad thing! I find most people can be kind, you just have to trust. Don't worry about your English too much- you communicate very well :)

... yesterday me trust in this place , typed , shouted feelings out loud through these words and here
presence me , i met you , reading mr. flatout's and mr. urbanflow's reply
feel so warm ... just so warm in my chest

i agree you are right mr. urbanflow
if i feel sorry for crying over these kindnesses of yours , it might be worse case of sin than accept and feel happy for your kindnesses honestly
im happy now
very happy , and im crying while i feel happy
thank you