1 Name: Anonymous : 2017-06-08 08:29 ID:vrS5ljR+ [Del]
It hurts. I feel like throwing up. This conflicting feeling that I have makes me wanna die and commit suicide. I think of something: die strangled in a rope after I've researched how to make that knot for suicides, jumping on the roof of the tallest building I knew like the mall, steal a gun from a police and shoot myself in the head, or overdosing myself with a drug. Then I think about what happens in those particular scenarios, and then be scared.
Yes, I'm scared of dying, I'm scared of the pain that I will go through when I kill myself. Even if it's just for an instant, even just for a second, I'm scared. Am I coward? maybe I am, maybe I'm running away from the problems that I have. I think that for a minute, and be ashamed of myself, I don't even have the will of killing myself... I'm the cowardest motherfucker in the entire world. I say to myself: You're the most failed person to have born into to this world, I hope someone would kill me.
I prayed... I prayed to the Lord I believe to take me away, to kill me, in the most natural way. Either getting hit by a truck, getting shot by a thug, or any other consequences that will kill me without myself knowing. Isn't that ironic? I think it is, because the God that I know wouldn't do that. But I still hope, that he would, I thought that maybe he will change His mind and kill me after all. Cause I'm the cowardest motherfucker in the entire world.
What is the problem? Why did I thought of these stuffs? Yes there is a problem after all, if I was a girl I'd be crying buckets of tears. But I'm a guy, and guys don't cry much. It just hurts like fuck. I feel like throwing up. I feel like my heart's gonna burst. I feel suffocated and can't breathe. I did some wrong things, yes. But I wan't to cry, I wanna cry hard. But I thought, is my tears even appropriate? even legitimate? Do I even have the right to shed these tears? Why am I hurting? Am I the one that is right because I'm hurting? But even I know that even if you're hurting, doesn't mean that you are right. I learned that from an anime character, name of Hikigaya Hachiman.
I like that guy, I wan't to be like him. Honest af and doesn't care about other people, I wan't to give up on people. If you know me IRL, you think that I have no problem in my life. I always have a smile on my face, I always tell jokes and get laughed upon, I always act silly in front of other people so they could laugh at me. Sometimes I think to myself, why have I done that? Do I want them to not feel the feelings of despair like I did? or i just wanted self-satisfaction? or I don't want them to know what I'm feeling. Im not really sure of myself, but there is one thing Im sure of... is that I'm making the biggest lie of myself.
You're maybe thinking that I should change, you're maybe thinking to be honest for just one time and just tell them the problems that I have. Really I have thought about that, in fact there is this one friend of mine that i can call my best friend. We always talk, and sometimes I actually tells him the bits of problems that I have, but not all. I didn't want to tell him all my problems, I didn't want to tell anyone all my problems, because I think that they have they're own problems. Even if they're your best of friends, they have their own problems to deal with and I can't be one of it. Because it's theirs, and I have mine. I thought that, people doesn't really care about other people's problem. They may feel sympathy for it, but that just really the end of it. They may help you, but not all the help you can get. They may say words that are reassuring, but that doesn't really solve your problem. And thus you are alone, you're alone in this world full of trials. You're alone to fix your own problem, you may seek guidance, knowledge, assistance, but you're gonna be the one who will do it. No one will help you all the way, It's just you, your problems, and the world. And those people who just takes it easy, I really envied them.
The people that I call my friends can't comprehend the problems that I have, I guess everybody does, I think all humankind does. All humans can't comprehend something if they have not felt it, never experienced it. It's like being in an earthquake (which I have experienced myself), people who have never been in an earthquake don't know the terrors in being one. They may laugh at you, when you feel alerted if you felt the ground is shaking just a little bit in a 2nd floor of a building and just say that it's just those motors in the escalator that's making the building shake a bit. Because they have not experienced, that anxiety that you have when you're in an earthquake. When the ground you're stepping suddenly shakes violently that you lost your balance, debris falling everywhere, and being thrown out by the shake. And also those aftershocks that may came shortly, unknowing when they will occur, and cover up the remaining time finding a place to hide in between the intervals. It's just the same as your problems, they don't know the feeling of despair that you feel, the conflicted feeling that you're suffering, and just gives you words of reassurance like: "don't give up" or "you just can do it if you try". But what if you'ved tried? and it failed again? You've tried a hundred of times, and it always gives you failures. There are some times when you've actually fulfilled it, you've tried and you've won... but in those happy commercial breaks in your life then came another problem that fucks you in the ass hard, then you think in yourself: "What did I do wrong?", and think and think and think until you fall into the depths of despair... and it just keeps on getting worse.
In my mind, somewhere very distant, I may just want somebody to save me.
5 Name: Chronos : 2017-06-11 05:11 ID:YlzrDG++ [Del]
First of all I´m really impressed of how you use words – it´s brilliant! While reading I could really sense, what you feel and could comprehend your way of thinking. This could be, because I made similar experiences in the past. But in fact it is because you write emotionally. Have you ever thought of writing a book or a short story? I´m not kidding! It might help you! Write down what you feel and maybe you feel better afterwards. And if this doesn´t works, just design your own universe by writing a book. Take the anime character that inspires you most and let him have the same problems you have at the moment. What would he do? How would he react? Can you image? Maybe you find a solution while just thinking about it. It might seem strange, but this is how I got up again, after I thought my life would be senseless. I started writing a book and somehow the characters I designed managed to find a solution for my own problems.
This leads to point two: The probability that someone else comes to save you is low. Although it´s the most simple way to get rescued by someone, you really have to do it yourself. What doesn´t mean, that you´ll be all alone while searching for a solution. Everyone has his own problems. Take a look around. What kinds of problems have the people around you? They might have problems similar to you. Your friends can´t comprehend your problems – well, this is obviously for someone who never had an experience worth ruining a life. Just search for people who have similar problems, similar thoughts. How do they manage to get along? Maybe you´ll find a way out of despair by looking how others managed to get out. You´re really not alone. Just keep your head up! Like BKS said: Live is worth living! Believe me, in a few years you will look back at the problems of today and laugh about it!
Otherwise go visit a psychotherapist and get professional help. It is no guarantee that your problems can be solved by talking, but sometimes it helps.
