And now I don't wanna live until the next one.

I had depression symptoms before, when I was a kid (or so my diary implies). I went on smoothly with life, until I had symptoms again last year, this time, rather than just wishing I wasn't born, I planned my suicide. Not that I continued with the plan tho.

So,yeah, I did surpass my depression again, yet here I am, with another bout.

My family is one of my triggers. I love my family, they love me, they're supportive of me in my academics, but I just hate their conservative principles, especially their view of mental illnesses. That's why, no, I haven't told them about my problem and I don't plan to. I feel like if I do, I might continue with my plan.

Just earlier today, my mom and my sister-in-law were talking about my sister-in-law's sister. Apparently, she's bisexual and had a few girlfriends before. My mom and sister-in-law keeps talking about how she has a mental disorder given that she likes girls too. Then further in the conversation, my sister-in-law mentioned that she found knife marks on her sister's (the bisexual) wrist. While admitting that their mom is partially at fault for it, she is putting the blame on her suicidal sister, claiming that she just wants attention and is stupid to do that. I butted in the conversation, saying that they shouldn't blame her, but they didn't seem to understand my point and just said she's crazy.

I am beginning to hate my own family. I wanted to tell my mom not to talk like that about my sister-in-law's sister given that I was once a suicidal too (tho I never cut my wrists). I just want to leave home, but I know I can't. I'm just a student, I don't have a job, I have health issues (severe asthma and I always have respiratory diseases), I don't have friends whose homes I can stay at.

I don't know what to do. I'm just gonna rant here. I'm really grateful this site's anonymous.

hello Mirror.
look, I cant imagine how you feel and I wont patronise you and pretend that I do. I've never had depression but I do know people that have. trust me the worst thing you can do is keep this sort of thing to yourself. TELL SOMEONE! that person doesn't have to be your mother just anybody who will listen. if you do tell your mother sit her down and make her listen and if she wont keep telling her until she does.

Have you tried counselling? I had it while going through tough times and it really helped me out, along with my own disdain for suicide. Do not kill yourself. It is a complete waste of life and there are far better alternatives to ending your suffering, like the above suggestion. Hope this helps.

I know pretty much how you feel. I feel most times like killing myself as well. But then it comes to me that it would hurt the people who love me. I find the strength to power through with thinking about the people who would benefit of me. Especially as we are the Dollars, we need you. We need every single human to spread our word. "The world isn´t as bad as it seems."