1 Name: Aoi : 2017-04-09 05:59 ID:hiiKoZ1i [Del]
Hey guys, I have a lot on my chest at the moment. A lot of it is my past and present. I have a lot of good friends that always make me smile and happy, and who are protective of me. But I never got them till three years ago.
As a child I was abuse emotionally, and my sister mentally. Both of us by the same person in our lives. My father, he a man that means well, but he had mental problems, and physical problems, and never took care of himself. So my mother and sister and I would be maids, cooking, cleaning, washing, and run to his aid when needed.
But when I was five my mother and I went shopping, and on the drive there my mom was crying. I asked why. She explained to me that she tried to talk to my father about his way of life. How he need's to focus on me and my sister, and stop partying, drinking, and such. But since then she and my sister were to only things in my life that mattered. So I got into constant argument with him ever since I was five. Everyday crying after an argument. My eyes would be swollen, from my tears. When I went to school I was bullied. As the so called people who were suppose to be my friends, only acted like it. When I would leave they would spread rumors about me, talk trash, and tell my sister everything. They wanted me to find out.
And during my my school year, I became friends with a person who was a formally bully of mines. My sister brought him to me, because he was upset that the girl he asked out rejected him. So I was the one who comfort him. I said to him not to worry about it. Just worry about himself, and one day you'll see the girl your looking for, right in front of you. Ever since then we been friend. Over the time I couldn't bring myself to be honest with him. Even though he told me about his life, his problems. It has been four years, and over the years we don't hang out all that much. But we grown to like each other. You can just tell we don't ignore each other because secretly we are watching each other, and saying few words. At the time he helped me to smile and laugh, and gave me a reason to go to school, during the first years of being friends. He helped me to get over all the sadness in my life at the time. When I was sad or depressed, he never asked why, and when he did. I couldn't bring myself to tell him. But he always puts a smile on my face, he prefers it when i'm smiling.
About a year after that I met my bff. She was a very tall girl Mississippi , with a touch, sassy, and yet caring, protective, respectful person. When someone picked on me, I ignored, but she would be picking a fight with them defending me. Big or small, she would be chasing guys out of the class room. Literally. We both had problems with our family. We never talked about it, but we were there to comfort one another, and put a smile on each others face. I didn't get along with a lot of people because a lot of people didn't like me. Because I was the one who stood up for others, friend or enemy. But she would usually drag me around by my bag pulling me everywhere.I didn't mine, it made me happy, because she wanted to see me happy and smile no matter where I was, not to be bothered by the world. Not long after that my father and his medical, and mental went wrong. His temper out of control. He started ignoring me, not saying a word to me months straight. I was always aware that he hated me, and I was no different, because I felt the same about him.
After a few months my mother has a TRO placed over me and my sister. That was the only time I remember my mother standing up for me and my sister. My father fled to the U.S leaving Hawaii.
After six months my sister was placed in a mental hospital, for two weeks, trying to hurt herself. I left the island to visit her, but I couldn't go to the hospital. Because the way they did thing, I couldn't accept. They would lock kids in rooms,kid's constantly be watched. Kid from ages of ten all the way up to seventeen, and most of them had mental problems, some did drugs, drink and more so to say. It was less of a hospital and more like a prison, at bed time your locked in a empty room with just two bed, pillows, blankets, your bag of clothes, and your roommate. Just a months before that my best friend moved away.
And my other friend that I liked, well we don't talk all to much anyway, by he was mad at me at the time. Because at the time another guy hung around me. But it was only after being friends with him that I said our friendship was over. It was because he talked trash about the very guy a liked, that I admire. So I made sure that my friend the one that I like found out I wasn't going to be friends with him. A few months later he came to my birthday, to have dinner with my uncle, sister, mother, and my sister's best friend. A he gave me what no one else could grant me. Time with someone special. My bbf sent me a card from over sea's. Even that was good enough for me.
Over these past few year I've had to deal with depression. From all my problems. The school said they were going to help me and my family, but they didn't. They only made things worse. So my family helped itself.
My sister is getting somewhat better. My mother deal with my father. He wants to try and come back into our lives. But he's homeless, and been to the emergency eight times in one month. I want to ask him this. If you come back what do you think will happen with my sister. She'll go crazy again. What right do you have to come back in our lives, if you cannot take care of yourself. If you can't take care of yourself what makes you think you can a family.The drugs, drinking or partying, argument, negotiation, abuse. How do I know that it won't repeat if he comes back. He constantly calling when he's not suppose to, only driving my sister through the roof.
I forgave him for all the times I started a fight. But I cannot forgive him for the pain he has put my sister and mother through. And after all these years I cannot love him.
After a month I was rushed to the emerigency, because I had constant pain in my lower spin. Pain that made me fall on my knee's and cry, causing me not to move or stand during the time. Pain killers did work. But after arriving at the hospital it has been two hours and only now the pain died down. The doctors gave me something different to get rid of the pain.
A month latter life is well with my friends, and family it's the beginning of April. But it was only a few days go I was rushed to the emergency again, for constant waves of pain, that sent me falling to me knee's and crying. I was told that I may have a sits growing inside me, it may not me one, but multiple. We don't know how many, or if it even true. But I have all the symptoms fever,dizziness, pain, headache, pain all around my body. It felt like the flue, this was all after I went to the emergency. If it true that I have this sits growing inside me, I have to go into surgery. But in Hawaii we have something called mayday. Basically is kid's from you school, who become princes, princess, King and queen. We are to perform a dance's for our community. But if this whole thing's true then I might not get to be a part of this whole thing, maybe not even come to school.
It scares me. None of my friends know because I'm the type who doesn't want to cause problems for them. I need to act strong from my mother and sister. Right now it doesn't bother me all to much, accept this whole thing, everything in my world is balancing on a small string. One wrong move and everything's gone. Even my future dreams.
I'm trying to be strong, but it hard, when you just don't want to worry or burden anyone. I'm just well going through a lot. I act strong but really it hurts a lot. I don't know what I'm asking help on or with, but all I can ask is to give me your guys input and advice.
Thanks!
