Idk how to start this. Its not like I'm gonna tell you guys a story you have never heard before or act like my life is the most depressing thing ever when I know its not. But I just kinda wanna vent some shit out rn.

I think I'm just straight up fucking retarded. Maybe its some kind of insecurity I have or just me being pessimistic about myself but I feel like I just don't know how to behave like a normal person sometimes. For example, say im talking to two other people, I would try to be funny and make a bad joke and when I dont get the reaction i want, I just become so fucking desperate to try to make them laugh I start saying the weirdest shit until eventually one of them laughs AT me instead of with me because of pure pity and how pathetic I look. And then after that I'm thinking "WHY WOULD I DO THAT?" and then just spend the rest of the week self loathing myself until I feel better and do it yet again.

I think its because people make me nervous. They make me nervous deep down and my entire life I have been covering that up one way or the other by acting like I'm this indifferent douche bag who doesn't care about anyone but when social situations come up and say someone tells me something in order to see my reaction to it, i wouldn't know how to respond. Be it a joke, a rumor they heard, or something big in their personal life like say a death of their family member. I either overreact or underreact and everyone thinks I'm a fucking weirdo and it pisses me off because just like how some people have trouble coming up with shit to say back when someone else insults them and then remember what to say an hour afterwards, I seem to have a similar problem except with SOCIALIZING WITH PEOPLE INGENERAL.

Do you guys think this is OCD or social anxiety or something of the sort? Because there are times when I unknowingly react normally but when I realize that and feel a bit better about myself, they ask me for another reaction and I fuck it up yet again.

Another problem I have is that I act weak. I know I am not the strongest guy that ever lived that knows kung fu and can kill a man with bear fists but I know that I am not completely weak either. But when someone thats clearly scrawny AF walks upto me starts pushing me around and I don't feel like fighting, I act like a little bitch and get called a pussy. Its not that I can't beat him up. I KNOW that I can. I have assessed my strength and I know my limits but the thing is I have no confidence in them. So mentally I'm thinking "I can't beat him up. Its true. I'm fucking weak as shit." Even when I fought a guy twice this other guy's size a couple weeks back. And these thoughts kill me on the inside. So much so that to prove them wrong i would go out of my way to beat someone up I had no actual intention of fighting.

I honestly feel like half my problems stem from my insecure thoughts about what people think about me. And while I hear people tell me "Just don't care about what other people think" to that I say, people's opinions matter okay? That's how society is constructed. If a lot of people have a particular opinion about you, that shapes your identity. If people think you're a loser, you're gonna be treated like one. If people think youre a winner, you get treated like one. And I get that different people have different reactions to different situations but there has got to be an ideal or average circumstance.

Am I over thinking this? How do I stop it? How do I end this small issue that barely matters in comparison to the people living in Africa that have to sell their crippled bodies in order to feed their starving children? Am I even worthy of your time? Do I even deserve a genuine response from anyone? Maybe someone should just type "Kys" and then bump my article down until it disappears.

Am I exaggerating my situation? Am I just being a melodramatic teen thats just craving for attention because I had childhood issues? These thoughts are killing me and making me wanna just shoot myself but I know I won't. I won't ever kill myself because I understand that killing myself would deny any chance of me ever being happy because death is just a pit of nothingness that won't put me out my misery but rather take away all my hopes and dreams of a better future when I'm not like this but instead a fully functioning human being. But what if I am just broken like this forever? "Broken" haha. No I am not broken. Schizophrenic patients are broken. I'm just a stupid kid that doesn't know when to stop his drama. Someone make this stop pls. I wanna die without having to kill myself lol just put an end to me before I have to :DD

First, BE YOURSELF. it's the first step, but also the hardest, towards getting rid of your anxiety. You don't have to be someone else. You CAN'T be someone else. You can only be you, so don't do it half-heartedly. Also, people don't want to talk to that other you you created who's always joking around and trying to cover up his socoal awkwardness. they want to talk to the real you.

If people don't laugh to your jokes, find friends that will. If nobody laughs, then look elsewhere, and talk to pepole who like the same things you do, they're more likely to find the same things funny.

You say you're socially awkward, but you don't have to be social. If you don't like talking much, then don't. If you want to talk a lot, don't stop yourself from doing so.

Hang out with the right people too. If you underrated,  maybe it's not that important to you what happened to that person. Maybe you should hang out with people who's lives interest you enough to get a reaction out of you.

Making a fool of yourself, or being made a fool of by others, is only as bad as you make it. Othe people cannot know what is intentional, what is not, what you're ashamed of and what you're not. If peoplé laugh at you, laugh with them. Being able to laugh at yourself is also a good way to put things in perspective. And if someone really thinks you look like an idiot, your laugh will convince him (or her) it was an act better than any awkward silence.

You sat sometimes you realize acting normally, and then fuck up. Don't think about it. Stop analyzing it, because then you'll end up being behind others. You fuck up? Roll with it. You did well? Roll with it. There is no wrong answer in a conversation. Only yours and other's.

When somebody goes on to push you around, imagine yourself reacting, doing something. Even if you don't think you can, imagine doing it. Visualize it. Then do it. You don't have to get violent or anything. Just standing up, looking them in the eyes and telling them "fuck off". Even if they keep trying, stay up, say it again. Don't run, don't walk away, stand your ground. You might not be able to stand up against everyone, but don't put yourself down. Don't put others down either. It's your right not to to put people down and not to let people put you down. It's your right to be respected even though you may be socially awkward or not fight back. It's your right and you have to let them know it. Like I said, visualizing it is a good way to do it right when the time comes. Just imagine that person coming up to you and you not standing down. don't put yourself down. don't put others down either though, just stay neutral. It's your right not to be pushed around even if you don't actually fight them back. And you have to let them know it. If you don't care about being pushed around, then don't react. People who know you will just appreciate you better for being able to keep your cool and refrain from being violent. (Violent people aren't very liked either.)

DON'T PUT WORDS IN OTHER'S MOUTHS. The world isn't that bad. People don't want you to die, they want you to live. YOU ARE IMPORTANT. You matter. You can't just go and compare yourself to the people of Africa, it's unfair. They are themselves and you are yourself. I can't help the people of Africa, but I can try to help you. Also, remember that you are the most important person of your own world. You are the person you must care about the most. (Apart from your childs  and your other half) YOU MATTER.

Also, and this is my little triggered moment, don't make jokes about killing yourself (at the end) because it almost stopped me from answering. I thought "If suicide is such a light topic to him while he's so close to it, maybe I shouldn't bother writing to him: it's not a problem to him." But then I wrote this message, because whoever you are, wherever you live, whatever you did, there is someone who cares. I know I do. I know others do. I thought you should know that too.

Here's my email if you ever want to talk.
Kuromu.dollars@gmail.com

Hello me of not so long ago. Actually I'm still kind of like this, but I got a bit better. Personally, my "problem" was my lack of confidence. Seriously, you can basically say whatever the hell you want as long as you say it with some conviction.
Because here's the things- people are animals, as in simple, not just biologically. I don't exactly mean that as an insult either. For example, you're with your friends, and you make a joke that's a little out there. You KNOW it's strange and instantly start acting nervous and trying to make it better. Your supposed friends are going to jump on that insecurity like there's no tomorrow, because they too are just trying to cover up their own insecurities.
Becoming more independent really helped me. I got my license, took over my own schedule, etc. and things fell into place. A lot of people are bored with their own lives, sad over something or other, tired, etc. so usually a friend, such as yourself, who can make a conversation without it being dry as hell is welcome.
Are you concerned with being physically weak? Might as well do something about it. Most local gyms (at least in my town) only cost anywhere from $30-100 depending upon the subscription length. Though I don't encourage you to actually utilize your physical strength in certain situations, it'll give you more confidence.

This last part will sound corny as hell, but whatever- knowledge is power. Seriously. Among the nerdy kids, there's always a place to fit in. So I encourage you to take honors classes, join a certain club, etc. because they tend to be very accepting. In addition, it's always satisfying to have a reservoir of information to back up any points in an argument.

So yeah, you may be a little socially awkward, but that isn't permanent. Just gotta do something, even though it may seem scary.

Just be yourself..

From what i heard, you want to fit in. Hey everyone does, and sometimes they'll go "desperate" as your put it. But then it's part of being life :")

So all i can say right now is, just be yourself. Others will accept the fake you if you continue acting fake, and eventually you'll get tired of acting and (Mark my words) you'll regret it.

Your real friend won't laugh at you for trying hard *I am pissed at them for laughing at you when they know that ure trying hard*. Perhaps you just didn't meet a friend who understands you more than those "friends".

Just be yourself:") Altho it's hard to be yourself when you honk that people won't accept you. But someone will accept you (even though it's not them).

Damn i should make "Just Be Yourself" as my new memo
ʕ⁎̯͡⁎ʔ༄
Anyways, Good Luck Winner! I'm cheering you up for this!!
If you want to talk about this more: My kik is BooWD

I'll just say this. What Izaya said? Is true. I'm not going to tell you the crap about being yourself when you obviously don't know how. That said, the human mind is like a computer; if you have the determination and skill, you can rewire it and change yourself whenever your heart desires. With enough practice, you'll be able to put on any face and change who you are whenever you want. I used to have the same problem as you and here is my advice: constantly evolve. I'm sure you'll overcome this soon. You'll figure everything out soon, I promise.