I have a problem with honesty. I can't be honest with myself. There are times when I just want to go outside and lie down on the road and wait for a car to drive over me. There are times when I wanna slit my throat while making food. There are times I just wanna run away. I don't wanna tell my family or my boss at work how I feel or what I think. I have too many problems inside of me that I just can't solve. I don't sleep at night because of nightmares. I'm never happy, which forces me to put on a mask everyday. I have no one to turn to with this. I joined the Dollars to find something genuine. Or someone genuine. I dunno. At least someone who listens to me and accepts me. And likes me of course. That's a wish I'm constantly trying to fulfill, but it seems it just gets crushed every time I try. I just felt like putting it out there so anyone could read this and give some advice or something.

Thank you for reading so far.

Hey there. I might not offer any solution, but allow me to share how I feel too (hope it helps!) I mostly look happy or at least neutral in most situations, but I'm fake. I put the mask of the happy/confident dude and it's really tiresome. Recently I've kinda fallen in love with my lab partner (I'm a guy and she's a girl), and we are togheter most of the time. To sum it up, she is still deeply in love with her «badboy/scumbag» ex, and she knows I like her, but keeps talking to me about him and other guys she finds cute... It kills me and I don't wan't to admit it, but she is toxic to me. She also once said that she would go out with me if it weren't from my nice side. I wish that I could be more like this badboy dude, but I've gotta stop putting masks on and be myself even if that means that I'll be lonely. I hate it, but what choice do I have? If we could meet up I think we could help each other a lot, but it's probably physically impossible...

Sorry for the long post

Hello OP, I know exactly how you feel. I know you said that you didn't want to tell others, but maybe you should. As you said, you can't solve the problems, so why not work with another person to solve them? It's definitely nerve wracking to place that amount of trust in someone, but the risk is worth taking. If your trust is thrown back in your face, fuck them, they don't deserve you. It also really helps to do things that you enjoy. I know, very stereotypical, but it works. As I told someone else on this thread, just being in the presence of someone you trust puts you into a kind of peaceful you've never felt before, so definitely find a genuine friend if you don't have one. I used to think I had no one to turn to, but I realized I just refused to turn to those who truly wanted to help. My eyes weren't open to people who care. I admit, it's still very hard for me to open up, and it'll probably be hard for you too, but trust me, someone who cares about you will always listen. Last thing, When you become happier (because I believe you will, it's just a matter of time) write it down, every detail that made you happy. There will be days you're feeling this kind of sad again, bring out your writing to remind yourself the sadness/emptiness/listlessness whatever it is, doesn't define you or your happiness.

>>2 It would be awesome if we could meet up, but like you said, it's impossible. It would be awesome to talk though. If that girl is toxic to you, swallow your fear and leave her. She doesn't deserve you (at least that's what I think). Girls who yearn for badboys/scumbags aren't worth it. Believe me. I know that much.

>>3 Thanks for bothering to answer this thread friend. I really apreaciate it.

>>4 Thanks for the advice you're probably right!, but I cannot not see her because she's in all my classes and she's my lab partner. And the weird thing is that she is one of the most intelligent person I've ever met and she has a ton of qualities, but she is stupid in relationships imo...

>>5 I bet it's very hard to not see her, I get that. Have you ever thought about not interacting with her after school?

>>5 Dude, you gotta move on. From what I understand, you seem to be the type to fall in love very easy but then stay obsessed too long. Just ask another girl out. Maybe she will help you take your mind off things. If you ask me, attraction should be something that happens instantly. So if deep down you're hoping, thinking, "Someday..." just drop it. It's not gonna happen. And if it does, the time you spent building upto the relationship is just not worth it. As for the you being lonely part - finding friends really isn't that hard. But you have to go outside your comfort zone and be willing to settle. The friendships you forge may not last a lifetime or even a year. But it will keep you happy long enough till you find something meaningful.

>>7 I gotta agree with you Libranite (not that I'm one to talk though)

I feel you, i dont really trust my self ether but if you try your best to let people help you see how amazing you are.

>>7 Thanks you! You profiled me quite well actually and I will follow your advice to the best of my abilities. But for the friendship part, I have friends but im so different from them that sometimes I have to «put masks on» to have a good time with them.

>>10 At least you have friends. Take good care of them

Honestly, if you have to put a mask on I'd question it a little bit... they should accept and like you for who you are, even if you are different, and not for the mask you wear... but that's just my two cents

>>12 No one have ever accepted me for who I am. I'm always getting told that if I want someone to like me, I have to change. I refuse to do that.

Would you rather be lonely or a snake in the grass lying is easy the truth is hard nobody wants to hear it most people Aren't good with showing feelings face to face i get scared but i could talk to you from the other side of the door that next step still seems far away i gess its a lack of self confidence people think their helping but its just dailog

It's aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaall a lie. It feels like I'm being lied to all the time.