Just wanted to share this and get some thoughts.

I had a really bad break up last summer. In that break up I got angry because the person who I was with always seemed to be doubtful of our relationship whenever she went to a Christian retreat.

She went to Tennesse to lead a Christian Camp helping deaf kids, since her major was as a Sign Language Interpreter. She decided to break up over skype while she was there. One night she is says I love you, the next she is breaking up with me.

I didn't take it well. She wouldn't give me an appropriate answer, so my thought of course is that some whacko at the Christian Camp was feeding her shit. After all, while she was applying she had to agree to a terms and services in her application that stated that talking to married men was out of the picture.

Which of course leads me to assume that the camp itself was ultra conservative and not in a good way. She is white and I am not so of course my concern is that some random Christian redneck was feeding her bull about interracial dating being wrong or something.

For her she already had doubts as in her eyes she could never fully get to know me as I am bilingual and she isn't. For her it meant that there was another half of me she would never get to know.

I was furious because she would say that I was ok with swearing and that bothered her. I do not swear like sailor or nothing like that, so the comment surprised me.

I made it a mission to message her everyday till I found out what was up because it did not made sense.

She would shut down and not message. For a time I assumed she just blocked me. If she didn't, Did it even matter?

So I continually messaged everyday.

At some point I was so mad that I just vented through those messages cause I didn't get a response.

I said things like:

"Why did you want me to meet your family so bad if you were just going to pull this off? I do not understand how is it that you make it such a big deal about 'No sex before marriage' yet every guy you date has to meet your parents. Might as well sleep with your co workers rather than having them meet your family and fall in love with them."

and

"Can you not be the bitch you are being and talk to me like the loving caring girl I fell in love with?"

and also

"Im trying to communicate with you. Reaching to you and the only thing I feel is that for you I am a mistake and you are trying to hide me away. I assure you if anyone asks I will be honest about what has happened because I have nothing to hide."

For her this was nothing else but threats.

So much that she was telling people that she was afraid I would hurt her. Of course I think that is ludicrous as I have always taken care of her and never been aggressive towards her in such a way. Besides sending those messages, I wasn't threatening her.

Another part that got brought up was that during that time, my world fell apart and I became depressed(which for Americans is a sign of weakness.) At some point I did considered not being. (I know it is stupid.) That is not the point. The point is that I shared everything with her because well I still saw her as a loving person. For her I was using that to manipulate her.

That is quite the joke. Using suicidal thoughts as a way to manipulate someone.

"Yo I want to kill myself but I am just saying that because I want you to come back."

That was insane.


But it got better. She went to the church she used to go and told my pastor she feared for her life. The pastor without a second thought banned from ever coming to church since she is a member and she needs to feel safe coming there.

She does not go to that church at all. She moved at least 3 cities away and it is a 45 minute drive.

I was told that it was criminal. I was criminal and that it was grace and mercy that I got banned rather than taken to jail.

For those messages I wrote at the top??

Yea for those messages at the top.


Time has past.

In the now I am planning on sending an apology to her in Sign Language which is her major that she loves. I got a friend to help me to translate it.

I basically sign to her that "I am sorry and that my words are not enough to show that. Which is the reason why I am signing towards her."

I sign that "That I was verbally abusive towards her and that I can't let that go."(I don't necessarily believe I was, I more believe that since she was home schooled and was sheltered her whole life she might have never legitimately never had anyone speak to her in a remotely negative manner. She never handled stress well. She would panic for simple things like interviews. *She couldn't control herself under pressure at all.*)

I write that Ive known her years and that she has changed me (even though she believes people can't change.)

That I am willing to do anything to make it better. From counseling or talking to who ever she wants me to talk or what ever it takes to fix what is broken.

I am practicing to sign a letter of apology as if anyone ever hurt me it would mean a lot if someone used my language to apologize even though they never spoken it.

Learn a language to just apologize.

That is something out of a movie.

Golden Rule you know.


Though while I know that such an act is an act of love to prove oneself, I fear that under circumstances it is still seen as an act of continuous abuse. So I wonder whether a kind act in a battle field is even appropriate. I want to do it and I am learning the Sign but I do wonder what is the worst case scenario and how might she make of it.

First, you're a married man? If you are, you should be ashamed. Your spouse does not deserve that sort of pain and assholery. If not...

If she was so easily swayed to give up the love you have together, she wasn't the right girl anyway and don't chase after her. If some words from a conservative asshole made her break up with you she either didn't love you like she said she did, or she really wanted to break up with you and is using that camp as an excuse. If she's avoided telling you a reason, she must be ashamed of something. If she doesn't have the decency to be truthful, forget her.

It sounds like I'm attacking you but I'm not. I've just dealt with people like her many times before and I hate people like that. I can't stand them. Anyway, whatever you decide to do is your choice.

Also (sorry I have a thought), I wanted to say that given what you've said, she very well may take it as harassment. She can definitely twist your apology into something like a message from a stalker, or a perverse video of some sort (I assume it's a video because you're signing). For people like her, everything and anything you do will not suffice. You will always be in the wrong, so please, for your own health and happiness, let her go. There are billions of other women who can and will reciprocate your feelings better than she did.

Hli,
Thanks for your input. To answer your question. No. Not married. Question in turn. How would the story change if it was a marriage?

I understand your point and in one of your last points it's the reason why I am hesitant. It can be a redemptive act (an attempt) to bring things together, find closure and do something that no one else would do. While at the same time, her perception of me might as well be symbiotic to her usage of me.

I wonder about the heart of it. Value vs Usage.

I do want to sign an apology as to be heartfelt in my apology rather than pushy. Meeting someone half way in their own passion and language.

I love her. While all the same the world is on the Upside-Down.

Do we have the right to fight against that evil that makes our lives miserable? Or do we give up on the unfairness, the racism and the brokeness this world has to offer?

*Just going to bump because I hope that Hli replies.*;P

Hey Mons,

No, I don't think being married would change a thing. The only difference is that there is a third person who's also being hurt in the relationship who, in most cases, doesn't know what's going on until the last second. Now that I think about it, I think (if you were married) your marriage would weigh on her conscious (if she's a good person) which would have been a valid reason to breakup with you.

Your choices are yours and I think it's very noble of you to learn sign just to apologize to her. If it goes against your morals to not try to mend your relationship, then by all means, do it. I have high respect for people who stick to their moral codes no matter what anyone says, or what the situation is.

Evil is perceived. One person can call one thing evil and another will call the same thing good. However, you have every right to fight against what you think is wrong. I am a strong believer in advocating one's beliefs, but in peaceful ways. Should you wish to go through with it, make sure you can accept the consequences. I support you in your endeavors and hope your apology can make it through the cloth around her eyes.

Thanks Hli,

For being honest in your response. I am still thinking about the consequences. But you know, I'll see what happens.

Mons