Hello,

This has turned into something troublesome in my life, and although I feel like I can deal with it myself, I don't really have anybody I can talk of this to, so I thought why not come back to this place I haven't used for years? And I hope nobody can guess my identity, then, be it a member or mods through an username log.

I've been in a relationship recently. I'm almost twenty, and this is the first time: I can't really explain why, although I've always been rather lonely and a loner, but I always was great at socialising. Just that, I avoided getting involved with people, and I guess dating scared me even more? This is something I'll come back to later.

So as I was saying I've been in my first relationship, and I was the one who started it. I fell for someone and after months with her, it worked out and I can see something, if not lasting, at least worthwhile in this. I wouldn't regret it, and I know she likes me as much as I love her. And what hurts me is that she's had relationships before.

Now, this seems ridiculous even to myself, and before that I wouldn't have cared. But who knew I'd want her firsts so much? That I'd be troubled by this?

I don't know why, is it because of my personal insecurities, because I'm selfish, or because her relationships were all horrible and she regretted them?

And then, I've been wondering a lot. What she told is pretty… common nowadays, I guess. She'd ended up dating because everyone was doing that, so she thought why not. And dating is normal, she said, and it is according to what people do today.

I too, thought so, and I did try with girls, but it just never worked for me because of how I was. I just blocked myself every time, and I wasn't even sure, I constantly thought I'd refuse even if they confessed and things like that. I think that, I just couldn't do it, and maybe it's the case of many people who mislead themselves like me? Maybe why some people are bad with others is so simple?

But her… it just hurts me. For the reasons I quoted, and probably mostly because it was bad for her? I just can't bear the thoughts that she had to do that, and get nothing in return. And I feel like going after those other guys, because of the same reason. I personally feel bad for not being her first, and even more so because I feel like she was abused: she was weak, lonely, and the stupid choices she made only hurt her more.

Now, that's how I think. I honestly didn't ever mind the hookup culture before, I just didn't care about it as I wasn't concerned. But now, I feel a bit disgusted. I know some people are fine like that and I don't hate them, but when they involve others, naive and stupid like my lover was, I can't help but look down on them. Why would it just be harmless? Isn't it forcing your ways on someone?

So, I just want to talk about this topic honestly and what people here think about it, such sexual liberation and… love? I don't really know how to formulate things, so I just told you guys my own story and I'd like your opinions. As for my own problems, I'll just talk it out with them, I guess.

Maybe I should have posted this in random?