If anyone knows me, they know that I rather despise everything about myself. People, rather recently, don't know that I started self-harming again. On top of that, I just might be pregnant with a baby that I have no idea how I got. I am so scared, and i have no idea what to do with my life anymore. I want to stay alive, only if I really do have a baby. My problem is, I am not sure about it, so I am stuck living. I would rather kill myself, and everyday it seems that I get closer and closer to suicide. My class (I am a junior) has just recently finished reading Of Mice and Men. All I could do was cry while reading it. It reminded me so much of the love of my life and my best friend. I would never want to leave her. Every time I am close, there is a little voice in my head (the same one that begs me to take my life) that begs me to put down the pills or the razor. It's like I can't do anything be beg to hurt and beg to stay alive. I've gotten back to the point to where all I can ever do is smile and nod and act as if I am the happiest person in the world. I could be in a movie, my acting is that good. And that's the worst part. I can't even tell if I am happy or sad anymore, it's more of just a numb feeling. Ironically, it hurts. I want to starve myself, but every attempt that I have to do so, my family notices and forces me to eat. The last time that that had happened, my whole world seemed to fall apart. I lost my job, one of the few people that made me actually feel happy, and myself. I can't wear swimsuits anymore (I live in the desert) and I am terrified to wear skirts and shorts (my last resorts) when I need to. I lost my music which actually helps keeps me alive and I am scared to ask for it back. That was back in August. I live for my music. Everything about it helps me keep what little sanity I have, and now the only way I can ever listen to it is at school, on the school computers. Everything about life hurts right now and I just needed to get it off my chest, even if total strangers are the ones I am telling.

You said so little about your situation that giving any actual advice is pretty much impossible. Some more concrete information would be nice if you are actually looking for advice or even some kind of non-empty motivation. Like, how does on not know how they got pregnant? Or how does one lose music? Or why shouldnt you be able to wear swimsuits or shorts and skirts?

About all I can say right now is that if you can still cry, you can still turn your situation around if you believe you can do it. Even if you don't, I am sure there are a few people who believe in you. In that case you dont even have to believe in yourself, you believe in the people that believe in you. Even based of the few things Ive read, I am sure about that and that you still have the power to decide who you are yourself. Also, music is not something that can disappear just like that. Just imagine it. You have your memories. And hey, you have a best friend, that's more that most of the edgy suicidal dollars on here can say lol.

Hey-

I have been there too. I don't normally talk about it, but I had and Eating Disorder and was sent to treatment for it.It is very hard to overcome, but you have to keep going. Just know that you are beautiful just the way you are. I have been in recovery for over a year, and I can now wear, eat, and do, what I want without worrying about how I look. It is still hard, but I have to work through it. Just think; wouldn't it be nice to be free of all of these negative emotions?
"I'm not saying it is going to be easy; I'm saying it is going to be worth it."
Hope this helped! Stay strong,
Kora

"Hope of Morning" by Icon Hire
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By the way, you're acting is actually so good that you can't tell what you really feel anymore. Of course, if you feel 'black and white', that's different. You have a job as a best friend to stay alive. Remember that there are people who also need you in their life just as much as you need them even if it doesn't seem like it. You gotta appreciate what you have instead of what you don't.

I think you got the baby through sex.