Hi all, so I'm trying to get my shit together, its 1:20 am, I've got college tomorrow, i don't want to go to sleep, to be with my own thoughts. So I'm writing this crap in the spirit of honesty and to get closer to a 'just get on with life' ideal I'd like to think i follow, but know i don't. And because I'm avoiding my therapist. Excuse the shitty gramma and the cussing. Ok.
I'm 17 almost 18, I have no real friends. I used to, i think.
My parents split up when i was young, I've mostly felt out of place wherever i am, I'm a freezer, when i feel shit, insulted or awkward i invert.
I used to cut myself, not deep, not controlled, more fluid, just to let out anger.
I then became anorexic, not hospitalised, not passing out, but I began to change from thinking i was the worst when comparing myself to others, to criticising and hating all those close to me( inside my head) seeing them as weak, fat, dumb, e.c.t.
I then ate more, and kept exercising, made new friends, got discharged, thought those friends would be close ones, lost touch a bit with old friends and felt happy on the whole.
Then i imploded again, bit by bit. Somewhere in my mind i can't make myself like myself. I crave other peoples approval and can't overcome criticism. At first, things seem all fine
then you scratch the surface and doubt sinks in. I can't trust, so i can't be trusted. I can't believe people would want to spend time with me, so they don't. My insecurities can be masked, but its a mask, hard to keep up and even harder to maintain. any creeping suspicion being in any way confirmed means it gets ten times heavier.
I haven't had life hard, that might be why I'm so weak, but that doesn't explain why my outlook is so broken.
Who says romance isn't dead. I had my first kiss at 15, before the anorexia, liked the guy not so much, but how it made me feel, like somebody liked me, that i fell in love with. 16 I went almost the whole way with an asshole ex of a not so close friend who I though was fucking amazing. Same year lost my virginity to a 26 year old at a festival, the memory is a drunken blackout so i can't be sure. My friends felt let down, they were so worried and i never though they would care, so i lied about what had happened and... they were mad. Then a series of other drunken kissed and e.c.t.s brings me to today.
I also had a drinking phase as most people do, but more so in a way. First I'd take a lil off my mum's spirits and sneak it into gigs, none of my friends knew for about 6 months until i gave them some mid gig(from15/14). I made out with strangers in the crowd, sometimes with hand jobs involved, and the reverse.... really fucking ashamed of that last part. I then bought big bottles of spirits, the cheapest i could get. Set out on drinking 'reasonably' then feel out of place at my new friends party's, (less gigs these days) before i knew it I'd have drunk half the bottle then I'd wake up in my bed at 1pm owing too many people an apologies and thanks. Feeling highly paranoid about whatever I'd done the night before.
I'm 17 and I'm tired of living, friendship, trying to be beautiful, healthy eating, exercise, relationships that never come into existence, I'm out of energy.
I've always had this idea 'when i got to uni' ill be able to be myself, comfortable in my skin, meet people who appreciate me yada yada. Now I don't. I don't really believe, hope maybe, but a shallow hope i know is flawed.
Fuck i don't know what i was coming here to get, maybe other peoples stories, maybe questions, maybe accusation to make my own seen more justifiable.
I don't know right now.
I'm in the dead end of a dark ally, able to do fuck all and not caring to turn around and go back into the city, to go through a load of shitty places to maybe get to a good one.

Ok first off why is your name ARTHUR when it seems (based of what you wrote) that you are a girl?

I bet you didn't expect that to be the first thing someone asks.

The other things: Do you regret your life? And what would you say to yourself if you could travel back in time, if anything? Also, I don't think YOU really need to apologize about grammar lol. I don't think I've even noticed a single mistake but EN isn't my first language so idk. (Edit: Ok, they aren't really all that uncommon, but for some reason I can still clearly understand what do you mean and because of that I didn't notice.) There are much worse examples on this site tho. Really tho, what's up with the name? Why do you think your outlook is broken? I can't speak for everyone, but from what you wrote, I do like your thinking. Including the fact that you don't like it. Oh, the irony lol. It's somewhat obvious that you aren't really happy with who you are, but would you really want to change who you are? If so, in what way? What instead of giving you the ability to change who you are it was the ability to exchange your life with someone random on this planet. Would you still do it? You must be pretty bored to be awake at 1am. I can definitely relate tho. What were you doing before writing this? Watching anime? I am watching Mobile-Suit-Gundam-Iron-Blooded-Orphans right now and liking it so far. Idk, if you ever feel like talking to someone you can contact me on my mail akako.dollars@gmail.com I definitely wouldn't mind, your life and opinions seem interesting. Question spam: Over!

>>2 its arthur because thats what arthoe auto corrects to :,) a little self joke if you will, a pretty standard tumblr-esc phrase thats supposed to be cool, but comes off a bit desperate. Arthur is pretty much the polar opposite, and i like that
>>3 i didn't to be fair
>>4 i regret some things, thats unavoidable though i wish i didn't, but in the end its how I've got where i am... and not to shit on your line of questioning but i believe everything is only able to be one way. Not in a divine plan kind of way where everything is "right", all is just the only way it can be.
So i wouldn't say shit to past me, it'd either do nothing and lead to some future crazy or create a mad guilt complex or... fuck knows its a scary possibility basically.
So yeah i guess id stick as me same reason .
Change myself, yeah I'd go for that one, an ability to just get on with life and see myself as somebody who can. Self fulfilling prophecy and all that.
I wasn't watching anime, i was reading through real old dollars personal threads, and trying not to fall asleep while i felt ok.
Thanks Akako. Answer spam: over

I thought so before but now I am pretty sure that we think alike. You were supposed to "shit on my line of questioning." That was more of a just in case or even slightly a trap. Also, I honestly did NOT expect your name to be a self joke too... I guess I should have thought about it considering that's the reason for my name...

What are you thanking me for tho?

Oh, and could you elaborate on the name thing? I am not really a tumblr person.

and since you were reading the older posts, I guess there werent any posts or responses that caught your eye written by me?

You're not alone. Theres other people facing this, and don't worry, you'll regain friendship. One part in life, you'll meet someone who'll understand you.. Cares for you.. Gets worried for you... I'm kind of an empathic person, and I came through these problems of not knowing if the emotions I'm feeling is someone else's, or mine...

about the suspicion stuff, you can be straightforward. You confirm the suspicion immediately, rather than making an assumption. :") Sorry if I'm straying off the subject, cause these days I feel distracted..

You'll meet your friends soon, and mark my words, you're not alone. We're here for you, we got your back when you fall. You are one of us, and we would try our best to help.

Don't blame yourself for the person who you used to be. You can't change that. All you can do now is move forward, and learn from your past mistakes. Sometimes we can't help but do things we regret later on, but hey, its life :")

We got your back. Good Luck on life :"), survive it cause Life's fucked up :")