As the tithe implies, I want to kill myself. Now, I haven't posted on this site in quite some time and you guys probably won't even care but that's besides the point. I have the need to vent.
I've always been a quiet and introverted kid and I haven't really had many friends.
One of my quietest years however, was 4th grade. I say this because this is when I first started to discover that my body was developing in a way that I did not like or even want. I was going through puberty, a part of life that a lot of people enjoy the aftermath of, but not the actual process. I didn't enjoy any of it. This was when I first discovered that I wanted to be a girl. Earlier, I mentioned 4th being the quietest year for me. I went just about mute because I thought I was a freak, I thought I was a weirdo. And in some respect, I guess I was right. Almost an entire year ago from current time, I came to terms with who I was, so I came out to my mother. She ended up being quite supportive. Not horribly long after that, she scheduled an appointment for me to meet with a therapist to help me transition. I cried of happiness, and my mom cried soon after as she said "He seemed happier than he has ever been before. Genuinely happy." I soon found out that this therapist would be no help because she could not prescribe me the hormones nor the blockers. So I was back to my normal depressed self. Fast forward to a few months later, I was just starting high school and things already sucked. I still don't pass as a female and I'm still not on hormones. Fast forward to now. I'm still getting bullied just like I have every year before this and I'm getting tired of it. Most of my family supports me or is at least okay with it except for my older brother who downright regects me now. I'm still not on the hormones, we haven't found a better therapist or an endocrinologist and I'm growing more and more suicidal. All I've done as of late is bitch and whine to my friends about how much I hurt and everything and I'm just tired of it all. The only reason I haven't killed myself yet is because it will cost my family money and the few people that actually care about me will be upset, albeit only for a week at most until I'm forgotten. Vent over

well... i hope you don't kill yourself... ummm... I'm not good at this emotional support thing, but i'll try. You said at fourth grade you were bullied as you started going through puberty and realized that you wanted to be a girl? umm... I don't know what that's like cuz i've never been through something like that because I always knew I was boy and I wanted to stay one. In middle school, around the time i did start going through puberty i did kind of question my sexuality because i saw "handsome" guys at my school, but i think i was just admiring their aesthetics and not really ever their dateability. what i'm saying is that everybody thinks they're a weirdo at some point in their life, so you're not alone in that. The fact you have family support is real nice. Personally I'm religious and my beliefs kinda restrict me from supporting certain ways of living, but we are taught to respect others decisions in life either way. Basically, to be peaceful with one another/ show respect. So... see... umm Just don't kill yourself. Your brother may not support you, but he shouldn't disrespect your decisions, it's your life. anyways about the hormones, I honestly have no advice on that cuz I don't know how that process goes or if you have insurance that covers this or if you have to pay out of pocket. Also it sounds to me like you're basically reaching adulthood now too. since usually by then reality likes to slap us hard in the face just to show how horrible life really is. A lot of people as they get older become more bitter as in ,whine and hate life a lot because of how exhausting it is and how it drags us down a lot. In some cases it gets to the point where antidepressants may help and I feel like bringing this thread up with your current therapist or doctor may be helpful. I hope you feel better cuz even though life sucks,i think it'd be better to see it through to the end, because you never know what's gonna happen next. well... I tried... so if this doesn't help, hopefully something/someone else does. if you need to vent more, feel free to do so.

I don't have any experience of something like this, but I know how you feel with wanting to die, but it is never the right thing to do.

All I can say is to keep going, there is no guarantee that things will get better, but if you keep trying and don't give up things will change. If you keep going and try to bear it you will eventually either find a reason to live or a way to solve your problems.

If nothing else, just know that your death would have more of an impact than you think. People care about you more than you realise, lots of people tend to support people silently, and even if you think no-one cares about you there is bound to be someone who will. Believe me, suicide is never the right option, if you get through this you will look back and be relieved that you are still alive. Try to live for the happy moments in your life, think of any happy memories you may have, no matter how small, you will find memories like that if you keep going no matter how hard life gets, try to keep going to find those happy moments and use them as motivation to keep living.

And if you have completely given up, just live for other people. If you die it will hurt them, and if anyone close to you is secretly struggling or is unhappy, it would only make it worse. Keep living because it will help others around you be happy, and I can't say for sure since I don't know you, but it might even make you happy if you help them with their problems. Don't give up, try to identify the things that are making you unhappy, no matter how small, and try to change them. One day you will find someone who will support, accept you and help you, so don't give up.

And the people who care about you won't just be upset for a week, losing someone close to you can destroy lives, some people never get over it, even if you don't believe that it is true, and hurting someone like that is a horrible thing to do.

Keep searching for a better therapist, get friends to help you and look at people's stories online who have gone through a similar thing and might know someone who can help.

Sorry for writing a lot, but I just want to let you know that even complete strangers care about you, so don't give up. You may think now that things will never get better, but if you try hard enough to change things they will change, so don't waste your life. There is always something better out there.

The world will be poorer without you in it,

Depression is a heavy fog on our minds that can seem to never end or be lifted, but it can go as fast as it came,

Being Bullied is hard, The only thing I can say is try to avoid who ever is doing it to you and just walk away them if you can, I know it's easier said than done, even with few friends can be the best help, only other options would be moving schools or being home schooled if it becomes too much.

Also as you have done here it is good to vent out your frustrations write them down in a book if you have to, even turn it around into something positive I,e even raping I know it might even sound silly but it works.

Bothers don't see eye to eye on a lot of things, maybe he just feel uncomfortable about the whole thing and like bros being bros and girls being real girls, it's something he will have to work out him self.

HI HI! CreeperComando dont kill yourself REMEMBER that There is one always love you and that is GOD himself, Since you are born God love you From the start. Have Determination in yourself and try reaching your limit and try harder to achieved your Goal in life :D God bless you

>>5 I don't wanna sound like a stickler, but with your belief of god loving them, wouldn't they just be closer to it?

Anyway, I'm not sure if you've already read this thread and decided on your next course of action, or if you just keep comin back to see if anyone else has their own two cents they wanna chip in, well here's mine: For starters, I gotta tell ya that if you're just startin high school, you need to know that everyone ya know your own age is still totally clueless on like 99 percent of their lives; their opinions don't mean shit. Secondly, confidence is SUPER helpful for just about everything, if ya don't have it, just fake it. I ain't sayin ya gotta be a dick or anythin, but for me, a confused look and a friendly smile with maybe a chuckle or just happily minding your own business is the friendliest way to tell someone to fuck off without actually sayin anything. You gotta understand that many people like to unite through a common hate for something, and that hate can just be because youre different. Being different ain't bad, and if you said that you were already a quiet person, just havin a smile while goin about your every day life can hide weakness, if you're like me, the weakness will just go away, and the confidence stays. Honestly the best advice I can give ya is comin from experience, I can tell ya not to fight it and to ignore (but don't be a dick/ breakdown) people who actively try to piss you off. As for killing yourself, it ain't a good idea, yeah you'll send a message of how much this meant to you, but understand that if it's the meds you want then you can get them, maybe not immediately, but it's not impossible, patients is key. Trans people in the main stream are still sorta new and most ain't to used to it or are gonna be more close minded when it effects them more (the case of your brother). I think you can easily handle this, you're still a tiny person, just enjoy life and take the opportunities when they inevitably come.

You're not alone. We all gone through puberty, and I think ts safe to say that we don't like it :"). Survive! and you won't regret it.
Plus, do your friends care about you? as in they grow worried when you're sick (Hey, you can never know when you'll die), supports you when you need it, and points out facts that you're missing.
Life has so much to offer..
Suicide is a permanent solution. Think about it, you can never go back. Think of what it'll do to others. Guilt for not understanding you... angry at themselves... don't you see? You're never alone. You have people to support you. As a member of Dollars, ill say that we got your back when you fall. We'll try our best to help you, although my advices are shit :").

Therapists doesn't help. Because they don't understand. All they understand is your reasons.. Opinions.. facts.. No offence Dollar's Therapist, but you must take emotions into account :") What drives us to be the person we are today? Emotions. Opinions... And bla bla blaaaa. Life :")

You will never be alone. Never are, never will. Humans, they greed. They don't notice it when they hurt one another. And one of them...

I got your back pal and ill catch you when you fall. Life, is a paradox.. And you're in it..