Ever since my father had been arrested for rape he's been sending letters blaming us for putting him in that hell hole. He makes it seem as if he was completely innocent man that doesn't belong in prison. This seems like a small problem but it honestly haunts me, my father's a very persuasive person, so much so that I'm not even sure anymore. I feel as if I have done something horrible, and It's eating at my life. I can't sleep, focus, eat, or even shower without feeling horrible. I thought maybe If I got some real input on what he's done, then maybe I wont feel as bad. Selfish I know, but I think it will really help me.
You see he had a huge temper, and whenever something put him off he would explode in a flurry of cuss words.
I once had the guts to ask him why he thought hitting me or as he calls it "tough love", would be okay.
He didn't bother explain, and instead made me stand outside in the rain for talking back.
I always thought that these things were normal, that all kids went through it. Even so after one of his rampages he would send me to his bed to wait.
I remember that every time he would bring cup of water and force me to drink it, after words almost immediately I would be exhausted.
He'd turn the light off and wait for me to sleep. This was usually a waiting game, I'd try my best to stay awake, while he'd wait for me to fall asleep.
Anywho this really didn't strike me as odd until my second year in middle school, it was around the time my father had begun to put pills in my mothers food. The pills would knock her out for days at a time, she couldn't talk, walk straight, or keep her food down.
My eldest brother had noticed it and tried to take the food and investigate it, but as you would guess my father ran outside to throw it in the trash. Guilty as can be he returned to grab his keys and go to 'work'.
A month or so later my sister had fallen sick, she stayed home with my father who just got fired.
When I had gotten home from school I had noticed that she was acting exactly like my mother, to be truthful even worse.
I looked for my father to ask him what he gave her and he was gone once again.
Fast forward a years or so and it's about the time my mom filed for a divorce. He actually begged on his knees to be taken back, but was kicked out of our house.
Despite clearly stating we don't want him around, he had snuck into our house from the fire escape and broke our garage door so he could come in anytime he pleases.
Eventually after all his antics my mother caves into a meltdown and lets him live with us again.
This continues for one more year until one day my sister admits to being raped by my father. Upon hearing this my mother takes all of us and we spend the next couple nights at a hotel.
I remember distinctly on a Thursday night my dad calls to say goodbye forever, and that he hopes we got everything we wanted. He then proceeds to screams into the phone in pure agony, mumbling a few things about the amount of blood.
The police are over there before I was, and had already rushed him to the ER.
I can't even describe the horrid scene that painted my house. Thick red blood stained the perfectly white carpet. Every where you looked you could see blood. Oh the smell! It was a horrid metallic smell, so strong you could practically taste. So strong it made me sick to the point where I was throwing up in the front yard.
Now six months later, New Years Eve I still continue to think back on that day, wondering if my father was a bad man. Maybe I'm a bad person, I honestly don't know.

You're not a bad person. Your father may be going through something troubling him personally or has some mental disorder, no offense. It's normal for you to feel that way after that treatment you received, and that treatment he gave you is not normal! Though, I've had my fair share of similar treatment from my mother, who I can kind of relate to your father. She's persuasive, and will act like the innocent one in any situation.
Anyways, you're not a bad person, in fact, if I could, I would love to hug you right now and tell you that you are an amazing person for going through that situation.
I hope that I helped somehow, and if you want to keep talking, send me emails at: haruhi.suzumiy1324@gmail.com

I hope that you know that you're a good person, and brave for even posting this. ^~^ I hope I helped out.

Based on what you've written at least, I don't think there is any reason for you to feel guilty for what happened to your father. Like the person above me has said, it sounds like you father could very well have some kind of mental disorder.

Anyways I don't think you should blame yourself for your father's punishment. He's in jail because he committed rape. And that's the end of that.

I wish you the best of luck.

I'm grateful for your encouraging words, I sure couldn't tell any of my friends or family members about this. It would be such a hassle to them, especially my poor mom. Just the thought makes me feel bad, oh and Happy New Years! the next will always be better than the last!!

You should find a way to stop the letters. It's definitely not helping you cope with the situation, and is basically just hurting you. Maybe you should find a way to block them.