I have parents who believe that spanking/beating kids as punishment is okay. In fact they think it's the best form of discipline. So yeah, I got beat a lot as a kid and I didn't fully realize that not all parents did that until I was like, 9. Anyway, I remember seeing this tweet a while ago that was like "if you think kids who're beaten as discipline will turn out okay, then you didn't turn out okay." or something like that, and it's got me paranoid.

My mom was pretty the one who raised my siblings and me. I kinda found it ironic that she decided to have 3 kids when she's said many times that she doesn't like kids lmao. So I think sometimes her punishments might've been a bit drastic? I don't know. Like most parents sometimes she'd just take whatever's closest to her– a broom, a spatula, whatever. But she also labeled a ruler the "spanking ruler" so she was pretty systemic about it lol.

The things that are kinda questionable to me are the things she did when I cried too much. She really hated the sound of kids crying apparently. Once she told me she hated me, and another time she locked me in the garage. I couldn't reach the light switch because I was too small, and like most kids I was super afraid of the dark, so I just cried even louder, which she hated, so yeah. It was really... not good. I was in there for an hour until my dad came home and made her let me out.

I kind of just thought that like... if the kid has bruises all the time then it's probably too much... but I don't know anymore. I've had a couple bruises from my mom. But "abuse" is a big word you know? I've had people say straight up that spanking is abusive, but to be honest I learned really quickly what I shouldn't do. I don't feel abused. Maybe mistreated sometimes. But not abused.

TL;DR What do you guys think? When does discipline become abuse?

It depends on the child and the punishment.
"Taking whatever is closest" is not something that is at all common in my perspective. No. More. Wire. Hangers.
Anyways, generally the punishment should fit the crime, zero tolerance is not a policy to live by. For example, mishandling food? Mandatory Cooking Lessons. Using Phones at the Table? No phones for the day. Etc.
Anyways, I personally would think this is fairly "abusive" but not "legally" abusive from just a bit of thought. It seems to me like your parents just didn't plan on having children, don't worry, I can sympathize. Yada yada, just because your parents weren't planning on having you doesn't make them love you any less, nor does it make them love you any more.
Go ahead and check out what counts as legally abusive federally and by your district/state, who knows, this might drive you on to become an attorney. I could give you a bit of advice if you decide to go down this path.

My parents used corporal punishment. I turned out well. In fact, I don't think that I'd be the person that I am today without it. That tweet was likely there to push a far-left narrative (I try to be moderate on these issues).

Now, it wasn't anything 'severe', but just enough to deter me from getting into bad things. Some of what you described is what I would call 'somewhat severe', however, I wouldn't go and claim "Absolute Abuse".

It's weird for me to give advice on that, as I usually get along with my parents as well as the fact that I'm now significantly larger than both of them.

I just figured that I'd offer my opinion on the matter.

It doesn't matter if she may be strict or hates you just love her back because after all she raise you but the way he treated you saying she hate was kind of abusive but this world isn't a perfect world maybe deep down she loves you, she just hate crying maybe. But I guess those times have already passed, she doesn't say that to you anymore right? Anyway even so love her back so she can feel that she's being love back and feels the need to return that love. Turn hate to love because after all she is your mother. I just hope you turned out okay even thought she was strict. She may have experience something's that made her hate kids and so we can't do anything about that just accept who she is because she is part of your life. Endure the scolding and keep loving her back. The world would be much better if their are less hate in the world

Abuse can be hard to pinpoint, mostly because it depends a lot on the severity and frequency and there is no way to draw hard lines between abuse and not-abuse due to the different reactions/tolerances of different people. But I will say what I can based on your post and general court rulings:

A gentle "spanking" is not abusive in itself, but should be used as a way to insult the person's pride or make them realize the extent to which their action was not acceptable. It should not be used with the intention to do any physical harm to the child or to vent the anger of the parent. Also, there are very few times when this is the appropriate punishment for a behavior, simply because, like Anonymous said, a punishment should be used to teach a lesson and better the person who acted wrongly, and physical punishment often teaches nothing and, according to most current research, is less effective than other forms of punishment (such as the aforementioned cooking classes or temporarily taking away a problem object). This does not mean that it is never the better course of action, because sometimes there is no other choice, however there is a good chance that FREQUENT physical punishment is at least a sign of bad parenting, if not abuse.

"Whatever is closest" is not "like most parents". My grandparents had a designated belt that they used (and mind you, they barely touched me with it and it didn't even hurt for more than a couple minutes after and NEVER left any kind of mark, but it sure stung in the moment and the shame lingered). If there are frequently bruises, then it was too much and does count as abuse.

Crying is a form of venting emotions, and unless the crying is fake and being used in an attempt to manipulate others (which the difference is often easy to see with young children), crying should never be punished in itself. If a parent is physically punishing a child simply for being upset and making noise, then that is the parent venting, not correctional action for the child, and thus is abuse. Of course, this is hard to prove, unless the child is literally punished every time they cry. Along similar lines, a parent telling their child that they hate them is referred to as emotional abuse, especially if it happens more than once. As for the locking in a dark garage, it is hard to say whether or not this is abuse. Different children will have different reactions to this, and while it is possible that the person will have lasting negative effects from this (even into adulthood), it is also possible that the person will barely remember it a month later. It depends a lot on the child, and thus cannot be labelled distinctly as abuse. Although, if it happens often enough, the courts will usually be willing to label it as abuse, simply due to the potentially damaging effects and the fact that the more often it happens, the more damaging it is likely to become. So if it only happened once, the courts will overlook it, but repeated instances are taken more seriously and can count as abuse.

That being said, abuse does not mean that the parent doesn't love their child or that the parent is trying to abuse. Sometimes that may be the case, but not in all circumstances. I think that's what is being referenced in the quote you are thinking of. People who are raised with the belief that abuse is ok often then push that abuse onto their children as well (thinking that it is normal) and thus continue a damaging cycle without realizing the damage that they are causing. It's not so much a statement about a small level of physical punishment only used where necessary - it's talking about frequent and harmful physical abuse being used when other methods of correctional punishment are available.

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Why not take the legal definition and compare with your case:

"Any recent act or failure to act on the part of a parent or caretaker which results in death, serious physical or emotional harm, sexual abuse or exploitation"

It is also:
"An act or failure to act which presents an imminent risk of serious harm."

Also, I would like to point out that abusive parents can often rationalize their actions, stating that "they did it out of love for their child". The statement is troublesome and contradictory, because one can logically ask "If they loved their child, why did they voluntarily harm them?" Whether or not you believe action speaks louder than word would determine your perspective on the matter.

Also note that there have been studies about the effectiveness of spanking and beating the children (use scholar.google.com) and many have proven that in addition to psychological and physical trauma, it is often ineffective in the long term and can cause the child to become more violent, or adopt the same behavior once they become parents themselves.

In the spur of a moment, say, if a child was bringing their hands close to a heated oven, a quick small tap followed by a warning might be best way to dissuade them from doing it. again. Not a beating, however.


The line is hard to draw for some people because there are kids out there with several issues (attachment issues, a lack of dully needed attention, anger issues, etc) whose parents have no idea how to "discipline". They might resort to spanking/beating and any other kind of physical, verbal and psychological punishment because they are out of options.

If you really wish for an outside opinion, I'd say it is abusive when the act done (or not done) is repetitive, intense and scarring (physically and psychologically). Or in other words, if it is something that you would feel bad doing to any kid out there, yours or not, or that you feel might put you in jail, then it is definitely mistreatment at the very least, and abuse if you do so persistently.

Some might accuse me of being unrealistic in my assessment for the need of punishing kids, but having seen and known people who has lived through such childhoods, I definitely believe that if there are non violent alternatives, then those alternatives should be explored first, and especially so given the HUMONGOUS pile of information that is the Internet. Ignorance might have been a barely acceptable excuse for your parents, but not anymore.

I'm going to be honest here, your home life sounds exactly like mine was, except for the fact I had 3 sibling, my parents did the same exact things, my brother had gotten into drug as the age of 12 and my other two siblings didn't turn out too ok either, luckily I have been abale to bare a lot of things so I am "alright" I use that term lightly, but for what my parents did to my brother ruined his life and I can only blame them, because they didn't show a whole lot of love, just discipline, and that pushed my brother away from them, and seeing that we didn't have parents to show him the best path for life, he got into trouble, and I am sad to say my brother passed away two and a half years ago

As a previous reply said, it just depends. Abuse is when the treatment is repetitive; happening on a regular basis. Too far to the point where blood is present, scars are created and you feel as if she is being overly aggressive or exaggerating consequences for your actions. Well, that's just my opinion. As a child, my mother used to say she hated me too with a few gentle slaps here and there when I did something unacceptable. But I guess, I myself understood that that was just her way of doing things when she couldn't handle my behaviour to show me I was clearly in the wrong. Do you think your mother's actions were reasonable? Do you perhaps feel like you're being dictated over or violated emotionally and physically? Sorry for giving my unprofessional insight into this, I just wanted to share my perspective.