I honestly feel so lost. I don’t know what I want, I just know what I don’t want. There is a vague idea in my head of what I would like my future to hold, but nothing else to fill in the spaces. There are some days, where the world seems right and I feel that I am heading down the right path. However, such times are over shadowed by endless evenings of self-doubt and hatred. Lazy, talentless, unskilled, pathetic, unworthy, waste of space; just a few self-given adjectives that fill my head day and day again. Sometimes, I will try to fight it by pushing and forcing myself out of my dark corner to be productive. Although, isn’t it easier to just give in? To allow my mind to wander into an imaginary life where everything is perfect? Where there are no insecurities and hard work holds no pain? I find that once I give in, I get pulled in deeper and deeper to the point where I lose all connection with reality. My life becomes bland and pointless while the unreal seems beautiful and desirable. Friends and family are disconnected and the only thing I want to do is to continue living in my own mind. Where I can love myself and feel important. I can sit in my room for hours, blocking out the world with music as I reside in my mind. Anything that can disturb my sessions becomes an annoyance and unworthy of my time whether it be people or responsibilities. When I reconnect with reality, I become my biggest critic. I could’ve done that. I am such a mess. I should’ve done this. I’m so lazy. I ate food. I’m so fat. I have so much acne. I’m so ugly…………… Why am I like this? Why can’t I be happy? I try, I really do. But some days, it feels like there is no point. It feels as though, my imaginary life has become dominant.

Maybe comparing yourself to other people could be a root of some of your negative thoughts, have you tried to not do that? If so how did that turn out? I find myself with a lot of time on my hands and when that happens I feel down or bored but never satisfied with my life so I like to moderate my time spent lounging around with time spent doing things that are interesting or fun. You don't have to look at the big picture in life be like any image whether it be on the internet or in person, big pictures are made of pixels or pigments that create a masterpiece. To me, the little joys in life are what give me motivation and joy that last anywhere between a couple of days to a couple of weeks. Try something like that maybe? I liked archers in RPG games so I just said "screw it" and went to the store and bought myself a bow and some arrows and that was a nice hobby I picked up, maybe look into something you want to do and no matter how distant it seems, how out of place it would be, go for it. You don't have to go full force into any particular thing but you should just take tiny steps into making ideas into a reality!
My email is peddler.dollars@gmail.com should you need to talk more in private!