Hi

This summer has been difficult. I am a college student and during the summer I work outside. Its a labor intensive job with long hours that drains me of a lot of energy. Starting this year I had a girlfriend but at the beginning of the summer she broke up with me after a year because she went to a baptist church camp and out of nowhere she just said that God told her so. (Lunatic if you asked me).

In the end it all has hit me hard. No support, constantly hard at work. I have considered suicide on multiple occasions yet I do not have the guts for it. Its hard because I do not have a support group and my heart has only become hard at everything and at the world.

Many times I do not feel like I am supposed to be here. Some times I just feel like a poor kid who is only supposed to live in a state of punishment. I dont know what to make of life anymore. There was an enjoyment in spending time with people and being able to communicate with them but that has all gone away as I just have to an epiphany that people only cause pain, never healing.

People are rotten to the core and they will never help. People will help a beautiful girl but a sad guy, well people dont give a shit. I think that is why I have considered suicide on many occasions but at the same time it is so hard to do. Where to go? When to do it? How to do it? Also coming to the realization that there is no more hope. I think I still have hope that it will get better since I haven't jumped yet. But I think that if I continually think about it or joke about it, that one day it might come true. One day I could come to terms with my death and be able to leave this place once and for all.

Suicide seems like a good option, I just dont know how to come about it. Also in a sea of people who feel this way I am not only but a drop.

From all the people who feel unloved and uncared for I am only but a dot.

So with all of this I just think that maybe posting here will help somehow but I am not sure on how would that help.

After all The Dollars are humans and human beings know how to hurt more than to mend. I dont expect much of it but maybe one day when I do it. This could be my mark. Just writing how I feel and what not in a site that no one knows who I am.

I'll try and write more. I could write better on why do I feel this way and I can write the story of what I have gone through and what has brought me to consider leaving this rotten world once and for all.

But for tonight I must say Good bye because I am tired and i have work tomorrow. But I will write and if the Dollars hate me for spamming or whatever they get mad at now a days. Well let them, at the end Dollars are only human and humans only know how to hurt.

Hi, Mons!

Now, you have a support group that's name is Dollars.

Suicide is NOT a good option. Never.
I don't care if you're a blonde, cute and beautiful girl, a handsome guy, a little kid, a teenager very ugly or a cute boy that thinks he's horrible only because he looks fat; you're a person. Here, in the Dollars page, everybody is welcome. You can be male, female, genderqueer, bisexual , redhair, a plants lover or whatever you are; all the people is welcome! Plus, I really don't give a fu*k how's people physically. You know, the important part is inside. I can dislike a cute girl that's a big b*tch and I can like an ugly girl that's very kind. Plus, here we can't see you, so anybody can judge you.

You're not spamming. Don't worry. I want to help you so much!

But... What if I'm a cat that knows how to write in English?! (Just kidding, but anybody would judge me, anyways!)

Hey, I read through it all and I know I’m just an anonymous person on the internet but let me say this:

Suicide, no matter what happens, is never a solution. Even if everything seems hopeless, things will get better. It might take some time but it will. By committing suicide you take the chance of it ever getting better away. There is no going back. We only have a short time on earth but each of us has the chance of changing something, even just a little. It’s not about changing whole countries or the world but in our own little microcosm we can try to do something good and set an example of how more people should be and that it is possible to not be rotten to the core. And so what if we get ridiculed. Maybe we can make some people smile just for a view seconds or even inspire them a little which weights way more than some words that are meant to hurt. Those of them who can’t accept a different thinking pattern are simply closed-minded and are not worth thinking about. Don’t take their words to heart, they are not worth it.

You yourself said that you are only a drop because there are many others like you who contemplate suicide. They feel just like you. They are probably just like you when it comes to personality and don’t have anyone to turn to as well. You are never alone even if it feels like it. There are people who feel the same or hear those stories and care, even if they are just some random strangers on the internet. And it has nothing to do with not having ‘guts’ to die. You’re already having guts because you hang in there and keep going. That’s what having guts is truly about. You are way stronger than you think you are. That I am sure of.

And people who only care about looks are stupid. Period. Yes those people exist but there are others out there. Kind people are rare but they exist even if it seems like they don’t. What truly matters is the character of every single person and an ugly character can’t be changed or covered up with make up as a so called ‘ugly’ face. How do we define ugly and beautiful anyway… there isn’t some kind of rule. Everyone has a different opinion on that. What some people call ugly might be beautiful to others. In my opinion the most beautiful ones are those with a deep character; most of the time built by dark periods in their life. That way they know how sadness feels like and learn to be kind. Some people might even seem like they don’t care because they are wearing a mask and are afraid of showing attack surface and getting hurt as well. It just takes time to find those individuals who truly care and are willing to show it.

Here are some cool people who won’t make fun of writing down feelings and such so If you feel like writing more about yourself fell free to do so.
I wish you all the best and a lot of strength

- Scarface

Thank you Fenin and Scarface for responding. Your words are encouraging.

Im trying to help myself and to get away from those thoughts. Its hard because I am afraid that I am one bad day away from them coming back. I am trying to better my own life in order to not reach that moment. It seems dumb but what I do has more pressure because it has a life or death tone to it. I cant fail and I cant fall back because eventhough im becoming better I am just afraid of one day for all to fall apart like Jenga blocks.

Hey there. You know, I just graduated college not too long ago, and I often have felt similar. In fact, I have come pretty close to suicide twice in my life. It's hard. But I have learned that if there is one truth about life, it's that it is always changing. Yeah, things might be bad now. Eventually they will be good. They will probably get bad again, and good again. Different levels of good and different levels of bad. You never know what it will change to, but things will get better, and then you can focus on enjoying it. Because things will change. Things always change. Sometimes it just takes longer than we would like. The idea is to keep yourself stable internally, whenever possible. Choose beliefs that you refuse to give up and that will pull you through. And when you can't keep going alone, well, that's what the personal board is for. :)

And do you know why people are better at hurting than mending? It's not because people are bad to their core. It's because hurting is easier than mending. Sometimes it happens accidentally. For example I don't think your girlfriend meant to hurt you. Yes, she turned into a bit of a fanatic. But she found something that, for whatever reason, she really believes in. So she went after it. Chasing goals is important. Her chasing this goal happened to hurt you. It's true that people can't all live in close proximity without stepping on someone's toes. It's not malicious, most of the time. Think about the alternative for example, if she had chosen to give up her goals in order to stay with you, just for your sake, then it would hurt her. Sometimes life happens to work out that way. Mending, on the other hand, that doesn't usually happen accidentally. People have to try to do good things, they have to try to help. It takes effort. Sometimes, even if people do want to put the effort in, they don't know how. And that is why the Dollars is here. "The world isn't as bad as you think". We can share information here, pool minds together to figure out how to help. We can do missions in the world to show everyone that good people do exist. We can set an example for others who are not in the Dollars and show them ways that they can help humanity, however small. And most importantly, we can help each other. That's what the Dollars do.

And as for being afraid of reverting to suicidal thoughts, I understand that too. After my first suicide problem, I swore that I would never want to do that again. But wants aren't controllable. I tried so hard to fend it off. But the second problem never led to action. Because I remembered that things do change, even if they don't feel like it at the time. And when I was on my last string, I reached out. And now I understand that you can always reach out. It still takes strength. Reverting is still scary. But you'd be surprised how far your own stubbornness and a little support can get you. Just take each day at a time. Find something you like and use it as a distraction. Some of the things I like to do are admire the sky - I mean for the natural world to have created something so beautiful, it's a pity not to enjoy it now and then. Or get on here and read about all the things people are doing to help the world, either in the missions thread or on here where you see people coming to the aid of other members. Or my favorite is to try to do nice things for other people. When I feel my worst, those are the days I try to do the most good for others. It's like I'm forcing reality to accept that there are good people. Even if I'm the only one, my existence cannot be denied. Here I am, smiling at people, complimenting people, holding the door open for someone, handing encouraging notes to random people, cleaning up a dirty park, slowing my car down to make room for someone else to get in front of me during heavy traffic (apparently a rare thing where I live), etc. Even if it's all coming from me, the world does have good in it. I am living proof. And heck, if you ever feel too alone when doing it, just remember that somewhere in the US, there is an ugly mooching failure of a girl in the Dollars that goes by Tunes saying, "HERE I AM! THERE IS GOOD; DO YOU HEAR ME, WORLD?? YOU CAN'T SHUT ME OUT!" ;) You can mentally shout with me. Knowing that you were would definitely make me happier. If you can't find the good, then be the good.

Anyway, if you need anything, anyone to reach out to, I'm here in the Dollars. And so are a bunch of other people all over the world who don't know what you look like, and frankly don't give a fuck. ;) All that matters is that you are a person. Which means you are just like me, and everyone else here. That's why the Dollars has no leaders, right? New or old, light skin or dark skin, ugly or gorgeous, rich or poor, sick or healthy, heck even sane or insane - we are the Dollars. None of that matters here. We are human and if one of us is having trouble, then its our job to help any way we can.

what about looking for your local suicide prevention and crisis hotlines (at least 2, if one doesn't work for whatever reason) and saving those on your phone? That way - in a worst case scenario - there is a number you can call and you geht a little help in bad situations

That is also a good idea.

Why don't you start by reorganizing yourself. For example, if the job is stressing you both mentally and physically look for another job that doesn't stress you out as much, you can also try doing other things that won't give you stress but rather relieve you from it.