Soo, I'm drunk right now, and I might not make any sense even thoth smartness is my best bet usually.

My past was bad. Like, really bad. I need help, yet I'm too proud to ask for any help if I'm not... well... In the state I am in right now. A lot of shit happened in the past. A lot of shit. A lot of betrayal and stuff. People tell me to get over it. I want to get over it. I can't. If I read this here tomorrow, I might get past my pride and finally talk about shit. I just want to feel better. I'm really not as strong inside as I act to be. I might talk about it more in depth tomorrow once I'm physically fine again. See ya.

You need help. Alcohol is never the answer to your problems. Trust me on this one. I'm happy to talk to you tomorrow or anytime if you want me to.

It's okay to ask for help and if there's anything I can do, I'll gladly help.

And I agree with Isaiah, Alcohol is never the answer.

I'd love to speak with you. I'm not some official therapist, I suck at advice, and I'm super awkward, but I'm always there.

Well then, here I go I guess. This is going to be a long story...

Its best to start at the very beginning. I was already just an ''accident'' when i was born. I have been told often enough. My dad left since he didnt want to have anything to do with me until i was like 6 or 7 years old. My mother used to live with my uncle, my grandparents and me in one house, and they all often got in fights (luckily mostly verbally). Since no one really cared i just used to watch tv all day, and that kinda was what brought me up. So, one day i wanted to stop my mother and my grandma from fighting, which caused my mom to complain about me, which again caused my grandma to complain about her, and from that point on i was always the reason everyone is fighting, and everything just got worse. I didnt even care when my dad started visiting and doing stuff with me again since even today he is more of a stranger i know kinda well to me than anything else, plus i was always told how stupid and idiotic he would be. I used to stay in my room all the time as a kid because of all that then. Away from anyone else. In school i often picked fights with guys bullying others unrightfully. I guess i just wanted some form of justice around me.

I was always a very optimistic kid, even to the point where i said ''I dont even want to have the win presented to me. I just want a chance, and then i will work hard for it, no matter what it is about''. Until today i think that this is the best thing i ever said, so i just kinda stick to this until today, just that things are way more complicated these days...

When i was like... 10 i think... my mother found a new boyfriend. We just moved there, and even though i was very sceptic first, he seemed nice, and my mother just got so much nicer when we were there. I thought everything was going to be fine, but it should only last half a year until i was made the reason of everything that went wrong again.

From that point on it just got worse. My mother started beating me up when i wasnt accepting that everything should be my fault, even if it wasnt me who did anything. Sometimes to the point where someone left the lights in the kitchen on, and i was slapped in the face because i said it wasnt me.

I got worse at school from here because i just kinda hid in my room as much as i could, playing pc. I just felt like i was fleeing from all the stress. I got a lot of friends online, which no one knew of, because if i had any friends i could actually do stuff with, i was told that they would all be bad for me, and i shouldnt do stuff with useless dumb shits like them. My mom said all kinds of such stuff.

This is where i first ''met'' (if you can even call it that if its online) a very good friend named ruby. She listened to me, was nice, and i always felt like she understood and cared. I just finally had someone. It was great. Half a year later i got cut off the internet because my (at that time already stepdad) said that i would have broken the internet router... But hey, when i had internet again, ruby was still there, missing me. So it was just an annoyance luckily.

One day, i just had a D in a test, and my mom was beating me up, saying that i was a useless idiot, that i would never understand anything, and i never would get anywhere in life. She said i was just a dissapointing mistake. Since then, i have had kind of a great ego, because i wanted to proof her wrong. I think i also wanted to proof myself wrong, because at that point i was even kinda believing the same to some degree...

I never really wanted any help since then. From no one. I got kinda better at school, even though i got into even more fights since then, to the point where people at my current school that usually bully people (mostly smaller people, such cowards...) are scared to do so when i am around, and these guys rarely try to mess with me. So it actually has its good sides.

I even thought about suicide at some points. I wrote to my grandparents, they were there for me. They told my mom it wasn't okay what she does, and she has to stop. My mother said that she wouldnt do any of the whole beating me up stuff, only to do it again when we were home again, telling me she is only going to hit me harder when i told anyone again. That was the point i lost any respect for her, and just started punching her back if she did shit like that. I kinda have problems with respect for older people because of this stuff in general...

My dad noticed that i was quite sad when i was at his place (which happened like... once or twice every two months..) so he asked what was up. I just started breaking down in tears, so i had to tell him at this point. He immediately went to action, went to the next childrens legal centre, and now i get to live with my grandparents. They treat me very well, and im happy that i dont have to go through any shit again. My mother still visits like... once every few weeks, but she kinda only said hello and goodbye for a whole while. I hated her. But now, since i have a younger brother that was not an accident, and she really loves him, i think she understands, and feels sorry for what she did to me, even though she never said anything like that. She is way nicer these days, and i sometimes even visit her and my brother at times. I would still feel uncomfortable living with her again though.

The whole process was really stressful, since my mom was upset (of course she was) and the rest of my family just shocked, and everything was kinda fought out on my shoulders. But now its a lot better, and ruby was also there to listen to my worries all the time.

Everyone who read this whole chaos of madness up to this point should already come to the conclusion that i surely fall in love with ruby at some point. And yes, we are at that point right now. I told her about my feelings, and she wasn't quite sure about hers, but eventually she said that she loved me as well. So, i didnt eat in school for weeks, instead saving the money to visit her. My whole family said that is wasn't okay, and wanted to forbid me to do so, but you all should know what i think about my family at that point. So i told my grandpa if he is soooo worried, he can come with me. If he doesnt, he knows where i am, and that im coming back 4 days later. He saw how important everything was to me, and came with me, staying at a hotel for the duration i was with ruby.

I finally was happy. With her, i felt like being at home. Being somewhere i am not a mistake, not something that bothers people, but something beloved. I was so very happy while i was there, and it was the first time i really felt that much happiness. When i had to go, she came with me to the train station, and we still looked at each other until the train (with me in it of course) was gone.

one and a half month later, she was going on vacation with the people from the church club she always goes to every week. I wouldv'e visited her if she didnt go, but it was a planned thing, so it was okay. Except it wasn't because she came back with a new boyfriend.

You can't imagine how i felt. I was in rage. Depression. Everything else until this point was nothing compared to this. In a rage i couldn't control, i was just destroying everything in the games that we played together, so there would be nothing left. I feel sorry for this. I truly do. I just want to turn back time and undo the whole destroying stuff she worked hard for, and also being mad at her and being angry. I just... Im sorry. I know, one could say i was only acting naturally, but now i dont have any contact with her since two years already, and i just miss her.

From that point on, i wanted to get smarter. A LOT smarter. So i could avoid stuff like that, i could see through people, and i would never be stabbed in the back again that easily. At some point i even adored izaya from durarara a lot, because he just knew what was going to happen. Someone like that wouldnt be stabbed in the back so easily. I learned to read people to some degree, and i really got smarter. Sadly, i got smart enough to see that i may prevent a bad future, but i can never change the past, and i just really miss ruby, but i will never ever see her again. But hey, im smart enough to nearly outsmart everyone now, so at least something good came with this.

When 11th grade started, i found some new friends, but long story short, the point where i trusted everyone came, and they all just stabbed me in the back too, starting a giant war amongst all my friends, because some of them just knew i didnt do anything bad and they didnt turn their backs on me. But thats another story.

Until the beginning of this year, i still had nightmares because of the stuff that happened with ruby. When the nightmares dissappeared, i thought i finally got over it, but i guess i never will. I just want to turn back time, but lets face it, that will never be possible...

If you read everything until here, thank you. For your precious time, that you spend dealing with the shit i lived through. I just dont know what to do, and i usually am too proud to get any help. But maybe some of you have any advice on what to do... thanks.

Hello Exter. I just finished reading the entire thing. I know you said you wanted help, yeah? So let's start with this. Do you know what you want help with first?

I just want to know how to handle this all. What to do, or how to deal with this. I want to know where to draw strength from, and how not to go crazy. I just dont know what to do...

I apologize if my questions become repetitive or aggravating from this point on. Also, feel free to let me know when you become frustrated with anything I say.

Let me re-phrase this. Do you know what situation or incident is weighing you down the most or what you feel had the most impact?

I’ve read through it all now. You know… for keep going even though so much happened to you you have my respect. You really do. I hope I can give advice somehow.

You said you have some good friends and your grandfather. I know for one it appears to be humiliating to talk about that stuff but from what I’ve read your grandfather seems to be a good person. Sometimes just talking helps a lot to get rid of the demons one has inside. I know it sounds weird because by exposing your inner thoughts you show attack surface but talking about ones feelings is not a weakness because by confronting yourself inside the past slowly stops controlling you and by that it becomes a strength. I know this sounds like some boring phrase out of a book but it really works that way. If you don’t feel like talking to someone or can’t for whatever reason you could try writing down what is going on inside of you to get your emotions out. The thoughts that come to your mind, how you feel etc.

When my friend had sleeping problems she used to listen to a funny audiobook at night to distract her from negative thoughts that prevented her from falling asleep… might not help much, but it’s worth a shot I guess.

What I imagen you could do (if you want) is trying to make peace with what happened by writing ruby how you’ve felt and that you are sorry for the way you reacted back then. You wrote that back then she went to a Church Club. I can imagine that it might be possible leave a message for her by contacting that club if you don’t know her fb, twitter, address etc. It might bring you some closure.

About where to draw strength from… usually music can be really helpful, especially positive sounding one. If your thoughts start spinning you could try to distract yourself by actively doing a hobby you (used to?) like and going out to do some sport like jogging to power yourself out. Try to keep doing things you (used to) enjoy and that are healthy and don’t harm you further. The thing with alcohol is… for a short while it might feel like it helps but it is a depressant, it’ll make everything worse. Emotions can be suppressed for a while but they can’t be cut out of ones life. By drinking problems can’t be drowned, they swim on it like oil and you only damage your body. It won’t work in the long run and only cause more problems. If you have the urge to drink please try one of the methods above.

I hope I could help somehow and sorry for my bad english.
-Scarface

>>9 i think missing ruby weights most on me, since she was what kept me going for a long long time, and i could just talk with her about everything. She was there, and the more time passes the more i feel like i need her.

>>10 These were some really good points, thank you. I dont drink too often, and not as much, but i guess it was okay that one time, or else i still wouldn't have asked for help. And i think i will stop the drinking for a long long time now.

The thing is, im afraid if i contact ruby she will just hate on me and this would be pretty much it. Im even quite sure she would...

Exter -_-

>>13 ?

hm but why would she hate on you if you just contact her to explain and apologize for what you've done and how things turned out back then? (Mind you I don’t know the details of what happened so it's up to you if or how you want to write her). Because if you contact her and she doesn't accept it or you two have no contact at all wouldn't make much of a difference, would it? Even if it's just to kind of end the previous chapter and being able to move on a bit more easily.

>>15 makes sense... I think i will try on the weekend, I'll let you know how it turned out

Okey, thank you. I wish you best of luck : )

I could finally bring myself to write to her. Kinda scared, but I guess im scared of nothing. Now let's just wait for what happens.

Nice, let's wait and see what happens then. If you want to talk about how it turned out or about anything that bothers you in general you are always welcome :)

Surprisingly, she was really nice, and it seems like we could do stuff again. I really dont feel that much guilt anymore, since she seems to understand and forgive me. Thank you all, without you, i wouldn't have had the courage to fix the situation. I can take the rest on my own :)

Hey, good to hear! I wish you all the best for the future :)