So........ My parents are from Guatemala and my mom's family could not afford for her to go to school past 5th grade, so she had a very poor education. So as you can assume when she came to the U.S the only jobs she could find were very low-paying jobs. She's been working at this company for about 13 years cleaning from 5:00pm to almost midnight, and cleaning houses on the weekends in the morning. So of course she has the right to complain and ask for help from time to time. The company she's been working at just ran out of business, so now she only cleans houses. My grandma (on my moms side) just recently returned to the U.S to come live with us again, she moved to Guatemala 4-5 years ago. My family has been over-joyed to have her come back and to help my mom with cleaning, cooking, etc. Don't get me wrong I'm glad she's coming back too, that would make my mom really happy. But i always got a feeling that this was a bad idea. She is a very religious woman and i remember her always talking about it and going to church, I was a kid at the time so she dragged me along with her and practically forced me into believing all of it. But i put that to the side because i saw how happy everyone else was. It turns out i was partially right, she forces her religion down my family throats saying "Your parents would get along and actually act like a couple if they went to church more" or stuff like "you must let god take control to fix things." My parents never got along for as long as i remember, it would be rare for them to even sit next to each other, in the same room. But things have started getting better we go out and eat together as a family, they talk to each other like normal human beings, they can look each other in the eye for once, and they eve hug each other some times. Thats a big change. But ever since my grandma came along she's been saying stuff to my mom like "All men cheat, they only want sex and then they leave." And I'm upset about this because this gets my mom thinking about my uncles and aunts who are all unhappy or divorced with their spouses. My grandma is tearing my family apart right when things were starting to get better. All my mom, grandma and aunts talk about is all the flaws and errors their husbands have made, and this makes me sick, they don't even fucking care that I'm right there while they're all shit talking my dad behind his back, and this hasn't been going on just now, they've been doing this since i was 6 and this is why i don't look forward to getting married or having a relationship ever, hell i even preferred the idea of my mom and dad divorcing than dealing with them. My grandma also baby's us, she doesn't let us do anything, she doesn't let us wash our own plates, prepare food, fix the damn bed or do any chore in general. Then she goes on and calls me and my sibling lazy and unthankful for the mother we have, she bitches to my dad after he comes home from work for 7 hours doing landscaping. She compares my dad, sibling and I to other families/people, she got my mother to start doing it too. Should I say something to my mom about this? Or should i just keep quiet? Keep in mind that I'm probably going to be LIVING with her for a couple years. I just want to get the hell out of that depressing shithole.

If you don't think you can handle it, there isn't much of another choice. No one can promise that your family will listen though. It's up to you to decide the best approach. Maybe making some counter points next time they speak poorly of someone. Even if you get scolded for speaking out, you deserve to voice your opinions, and you'll probably feel better anyway. I just hope if you my advice, that it doesn't make things worse/harder for you.

Ouch. I'll be honest - I don't have a similar experience, so I don't know how much help this will be.

I think you sound very unhappy with the way your homelife is going right now. At the same time, it doesn't sound lie your grandmother is the sort of woman willing to compromise. You know your parents best, but it sounds to me as if staying silent might do more harm than talking about it. Most importantly, however - get yourself a support network outside of home. This isn't the sort of fight one wins without tears, and having a sympathetic shoulder to cry on will work wonders. Sport teams or Traditionalist Dojos, or heck, some churches are good for finding that sort of thing. Most importantly, be willing to stand up for yourself at least. Your parents aren't really your responsibility. I understand wanting to help them, but don't do it at the cost of yourself.

I would also suggest finding activites that keep you out of the house for longer. I understand how constant psychological bombardment can hurt, and getting away from that sounds like a good idea.

I hope some of this helped, at least, and good luck. the Dollars are always willing to listen, even if we can't always help.

>>2 >>3
thanks, i'll try doing what you guys said, it feels nice letting it all out, i appreciate it :)

Of course you should talk to them,especially your mother. But it'll be hard if you fight alone. Is there any of your realtives who think the same as you? maybe you can unite with them. oh,you can ask friends for help too,like what you did here ;)
(Sorry if my english bad... --)

I agree withTerracotta that you should find yourself a support group like friends that will help you and listen to you, not that the dollars isn't a support group but it might feel better to have someone/someones that you can talk to face to face. That being said, we are always her for you.

Unlike Terracotta I have faced a somewhat similar situation with the terrible Grandma, but my Grandma has a bit different approach. The rest of this message will mostly be advice and pointers you probably want to know.

First off, like FindMuck said, you want to be prepared with words, have some counter points ready but be ready mentally as well. Be calm and try to stay calm and never show that you are angry or annoyed if you become so.

When she, and other relatives are insulting or pointing out flaws of someone there are a few different, but similarish things you can do. You can ask them how they would feel if someone said that about them. You could say that you feel uncomfortable with all this negativity. You could even say that school/church encourages people to be positive and nice to others.
Depending on your religion you can quote scriptures or church stuff. Such as “He that is without sin among you, let him cast the first stone" which is John 8:7 in the bible as well as "first cast out the beam out of thine own eye; and then shalt thou see clearly to cast out the mote out of thy brother's eye." Which is also in the bible. Matthew 7:5
I looked those up, I don't actually have those memorized.

Remind them about the golden rule of treat others as you want them to treat you.

!*! Important. Throughout all of this you don't want to seem like you are out to get her, or trying to contradict her. Act innocent!!!

Use her words and actions against her. If she is talking bad about someone because that someone does something but she does it to turn that against her in a very careful and innocent way. If she says something and then contradict it then use that against her. "Didn't you say this" or a real life example.

When my grandma tried to get my sister to promise to play a certain song on the piano at her funeral (even though she isn't sick or anything) even though she already got my aunt to promise to play the exact same song on the same instrument at her funeral. I 'innocently' asked, "Didn't you already ask Aunt so and so to do that?" It stopped her in her tracks.

Anyways, I hope this helps and sorry it is so long.

>>5 thanks, and you english is fine! :)

>>6 yea i think that would help a lot, I've done tried doing it in the past but i let anger get the best of me and it didn't really work out. I'll try it again, and quoting stuff from the bible will probably get her to stop or at least for a while. Thanks :)

I'm a religious person too, been so for like five years now.... anyway, your points make a lot of sense. After being in the religion I'm in for a while, I learned a lot of good things in general from others there and from the bible, but ... The people there. Some have this mind set that everyone that's not in the religion has to have done something bad in their life or is a bad person. And there's this thing I read somewhere, that the the quality/ attitude of the people around you can influence and rub off on you and affect your thinking/ decision making. Basically I'm saying that the people that are around your life, are going to affect your way of thinking one way or another. Well, I include myself too, we are taught that everyone has flaws, and I guess sometimes we look at other people judging them negatively. I get mad at myself, because I personally hate judging people and all that stuff. Every time I catch myself thinking negatively about someone/ anyone, I stop myself in my tracks and constantly/heavily remind myself that I don't know the circumstances in which said person is/has been nor do I know how they were raised. so it is not at all correct in my mind to judge anyone else or there way of living at all EVEN if I do know them. I understand giving advice that may help someone is good, but giving advice in the most negative way is not going to help anybody. Your grandma sounds like she's trying to help, but she's taking the completely wrong approach to do it.

Personal experience (you need not read this as it will be long): This is not a religious experience I have, but a family one. I don't really know my relatives to well, so when they come visit I just stay quiet and observe as they interact with my parents and family. Anyway, I love my parents and neither of the two are religious, they used to be at some point, but then they stopped. I love them a lot and I notice that my dad drinks like three or more times a day, he always has, and as I grew up I realized I can't stop him from doing so. That's his own thing to deal with, so I leave it alone, The longest he has gone without alcohol was three days. Anyways my Dad has always looked out for my family and has always had a good perspective towards life. Even though he would come home tired exhausted from work, he would cook food for the family and always tell jokes. But when it comes to other people his advice has always been to let other people carry on how they carry on, basically to let them live how they want to (including his own family). From this comes the reason why I hate being judgmental, because I don't want to hurt or affect anybody's views towards their way of living. I look up to my dad, a lot. I know he has flaws and he has made mistakes in his life, but if you get to know him, you'd understand that his idiotic actions and attitude that he has now is not all of who he is, there's more to him, a loving person who raised a 7 people family on wage not many would be able to do it on.
Anyway my aunt and cousins (from my mother's side) came over for around three days and they seemed kind of out there-ish to me, they would cuss at each other and say bad words like it's normal. They would talk about inappropriate topics and tell me bad things about their other cousins behind their backs like nothing. Even though my family isn't religious (excluding me and one brother of mine), we were taught to never say bad words or to talk bad about anybody else, ever! So whenever I meet relatives (and some other religious people) it just throws me off at how different they are when it comes to these kinds of things... but my dad carries on talking to them (My cousins) with a carefree attitude as if they are not any different from us at all, he treats them, like family. Thus another reason why I respect my dad so much. So, like him I tried to treat them normally and get to know them a little better. After the third day, I actually had fun and was saying goodbye to them. But just before they left my aunt wanted to tell me something to the side. I thought she was going to say something nice and that they had fun visiting us, but no. She said, some thing along the lines of this, " Hey, Tree, I know your dad can be a little, you know, crazy/ out there, he's not like a normal person. I just want you to know, that if you don't like it here and ever want to leave, you always have family over where we live, in [name of city/ state]!" My mental reaction to what she said was this: Yes, I know, my dad has a drinking problem! yes, I know he seems a little goofy sometimes! But Lady! You don't know what my father has been through nor what he has done to keep our family where it is! You don't Know the awesome dad he is under that exterior of a shell you're seeing! You don't know him/ haven't been around him for the past twenty years of your life! Therefore you have no right to say that my dad is crazy and that I should Leave my house because of him! He's not violent, nor has he ever hit my mom before! He doesn't do drugs (one of my aunt's kids smoked weed)! And he doesn't talk bad about anybody behind their backs lady! He's always had that goofy attitude and it's part of what makes him awesome! ARGH, I was Just so mad that she could say something like that about my dad to my face, and I wanted to say this back to my aunt, but I didn't, I just said "ok, goodbye" that moment basically ruined my experience hanging out with my relatives.... Anyways this is the my Personal experience with a judgmental relative and how I didn't do/ say anything back to them. Now that I think about it I don't really know my aunt's circumstances either, So I also don't have a right to Judge her/ her attitude, but still. I also learned that I'm judgmental sometimes, but only towards people that are judgmental of other people themselves, is that weird? I guess I'm a hypocrite, but yeah.

Anyways, sometimes there's nothing you can do to fix the situation. Listen to the advice of the other's here and it should help to a certain extent. My advice would be the same as >>6 by the way.
Also here's a topic I found by just typing the word judgmental on my religion's website's search function, and it has a lot of bible quotes too " Link Name. Just show this to your grandma and it should stop her for a while. Specifically show her the 12th paragragh and forward 'cuz it's title is "stop judging." It includes bible quotes that your grandma could read in her own bible. Good Luck. Here's the link in spanish too, Link

>>9 thx this helps a lot ^^, I've tried translating other quotes from the bible but she never payed attention unless she read it herself in spanish.

>>8 >>9
yea i sometimes judge people by accident too and i feel really guilty when i catch myself doing it.

I've talked to my mom about what I'm feeling and she talked to my grandma about it, they don't bring up my dad or other relatives in a bad way anymore, or at least very little, when they do instead of saying my dads name they say 'so and so' did this or that. So at least they know that I'm uncomfortable hearing them say that and try to make it seem that they are talking about someone else. :)

Also I'm sorry if i came out sounding like i hate religious people because of my grandma, i'm actually religious myself (but not all-up-in-yo-face about it) its just i really wanted for her to take it down a notch, to not talk about other relatives and my dad in a bad way, i know my dad has his flaws but it just hurts hearing that from somebody who is basically a second-mother to me.

Oh, well it's nice to hear that there's some improvement going on then. I hope it gets better later on. And no, I didn't take it as if you hated religious people, I just took it as someone seeking advice to deal with some issues, it's what the personal board is here for :)

Sorry dude for not reading, but paragraph break.

This stuff looks worse than my bio textbook.

>>13
sorry i was rushing when i was typing this because i only have limited amount of time on the computer \^^/

Hey, i just wanted to say i really appreciate all your support and that me and my family are better at communicating and sharing our personal feelings/thoughts to each other, everything eventually got sorted out, but of course there are a few fights here and there, but it can't be perfect, I'm just glad we are on better terms than how we were before. :)