Okay. First off, I'm a second generation hmong. And if you don't know who the hmong people are, they were a small group of Asians who helped the Americans out during the Vietnam War, and because of the war Vietnam tried to kill us, we either did die, we're sent and still in camps, or were sent to different countries. (For example my mother and her relatives were sent to the US.)

So the thing is... It's hard. My mom wants me to be more hmong. She wants me to speak it, talk to other hmong kids, actually enjoy hmong new years. But, I know it sounds really rude to say this, but I don't care. I don't care about the Ong community and traditions anymore, thanks to my father going around and telling all the hmong people that my mother was a slut. Then they all say "the apple doesn't fall far from the tree", so now I and my siblings are all deemed sluts and whores thanks to him. My mom knows this, but she still pressures me to get along with the kids. She's even pressured me into going out with a certain Hmong boy who's had a crush on em for years, but I don't for good reaskn. When my older sister got into a relationship with a hmong boy, my father once again was being a dick and told his parents a bunch of lies about us, and forced him to break up with her. My sister was the happiest I had seen her in a while, and he took it away from her, because of our reputation, just by one man. I don't want to do that to the boy. So ill just stay friends with him.

But that's the other thing I hate. My father has so much say in my family's status, that they never even try to get to know me for me, and assume that I am just a slut, a drinker, a drug user and what not when in all reality, I'm too scared to die to do anything that bad, and I'm a virgin.

But at the same time when I say I don't want to be hmong, I can't be white either...

look, I live in an area with mostly white people with her man and polish heritage. And whenever they look at me, the first thing they think is "oh, ew disgusting hmong". And people at school don't talk to me just because I'm hmong. I know I make fun of myself being Asian alot with my few friends I have, but it's true. I've been called a dog eater, cat eater, a "guke" (really old term that even I didn't get at first and had to look up).

And this one guy, that I liked for four years, when I was about to confess, he told me, "I would never go out with an Asian girl."

That basically broke me for going into any kind of relationship ever again. Oh wait, I've never been in one. And I'm a virgin, SO ACTUALLY LISTEN TO ME FOR ONCE HMONG COMMUNITY!

I can't tell if I pick assholes, or if the guys I like are just mean, but usually they tell me their not racist. Sure, their not racist, but their still prejudice. Because no matter how much I talk with them, basically straight out tell them I like them, they always turn the other way or see a different girl who's white.

My mom did tell me just sticking to your own race was the best way. I guess those guys were just following that rule...

But I don't want to be hmong. I don't want to be married at 15 and have too many kids and just sit at home and raise the kids. I want to travel the world, I want to do something. O want to work for Valve or Nintendo. I want to create video games. I want to be something else.

But I'm still hmong. And I'm still tied down by my freaking ethnicity. It's just hard. I want to be American, be white, but though they claim they aren't racist, they still are. And I could also bring gender roles in this too, but nah.

don't get me wrong, all hmong people aren't bad. It's just the community and status I have among it they just don't really like me. I could say that it's something the white people don't have, the constant status, but they do. And I've already been labeled as "asian trash".

... I'm not even sure what I'm asking for anymorw. I guess someone to relate to basically.

Quick afterthought...

Maybe this reason is why I indulge in video games so much. The games not going to judge you by your ethnicity, only by your skill of the game. The games not going to tell you your not allowed to be yourself because your female. The video games give me that freedom I crave so badly.

Live with it.

Deal with it.

You're what you are, don't avoid the inevitable.

It's kinda rough to have to go through that. You should be who you want to be and not let others tell you who you should be. A lot more people will eventually like you for who you are. It probably sounds cliche, but it seriously works.

Sorry, i can't solve your life but I can be your friend ^^.
You need a person who cares about you, a person you can trust and a person you can tell all your problems.
I'm ready to listen to all your problems and try to help you as much as i can.
If you are interested Chara, contact me at shibuya.dollars@gmail.com

If not, I wish you a happier life.
Good luck :P

I guess your parents' line of thinking is along the lines of not wanting to forget their heritage. They probably faced persecution, their own people in their own country turned against them, etc. Perhaps they think that you have it better than they even have and their you're spoiled. (this is just an inference based on what I already know; "know thy enemy" and stuff).

As a white person living in a white community, I honestly can't say I can relate with the problems you have with being pressured into a culture you don't want a part of. However, I do know that when it comes to your life, the power lies in your hands. You are the one who signs the marriage certificate, who gets the job, who graduates from school- no one else but you can do that because you are irreplaceable.

As for the racism that you face- you probably already know this, but those people are no better than you are.

Just keep close connections with your siblings, online friends, even pen pals. Being along in such a situation would be awful. Keep working towards what you enjoy, save up money, and educate yourself as much as possible. Then as soon as you graduate you can move to another area.

I'm sorry if I sounded like a bad motivational poster or wasn't much help. Perhaps you can try looking up online hmong chat groups and see if you can find others to relate to.