I'm losing hope. I don't know what to do with life anymore. At school I've gotten a few friends, but in exchange I feel like strangers with my primary school friends now. I can't keep up with school: I'm not as smart as other people! Even though I'm in a selective school, I've never gone coaching before so I don't understand things other people do. I was born with cerebal palsy and I don't know if my father's cheating on my mother. My mother's getting so stressed out she yells at me everyday and tells me how much she wants to go back to China. Not very nicely either. Now, it's like she's doing a countdown everyday. '6 years, and 3 months until shes 18 and I can leave her'. That's what she's thinking. I feel like I'm dying on the inside too. I keep unconsciously thinking: what happens after death? If you commit suicide, sure it'll hurt for a while, but what lies after that? A paradise filled with comfort? A hell which torture you to no end? Or just plain nothingness? I don't know, I think about this eveyday, like the idea's stuck in my head. What do I do? Can I do something to manage my stress, or prevent myself from having these thoughts? Is it normal to be even thinking about this? Please help me, and thanks for taking the time to read this. I'm going to continue my history assignment now.

Man, at 11 and 9 months I was in China, and it wasn't that long after I went there. I was wondering what the fuck everyone was saying half the time. And aren't you a little young do these thoughts? Eh, well, people mature at different rates.

How I live with everything is to think a bit, then give up thinking. Makes life so much easier, with you being passive, only needing to think about tomorrow.

P.S. Don't use kuudere as a handle if all you're talking about is despair.

You should take some extracurricular activities like practice a sport, or do something you like. This will help you to amuse your mind and also to make new friends.

Enjoy your life, you only live once

Well, there aren't much extracurricular activities. More precisely, all of them are competitive and they're never about having fun.Today I didn't go to school, and my mum's upset about that. Now my friends keep asking me why I didn't go to school today. I want to tell them that it's because I couldn't finish my homework, but I can't. I'm scared that they won't accept me. I'm scared they'll stop talking to me if I don't act tough. So I told them I had a fever today and talked about how my 'perfect family' let me take the day off when in reality we don't even live with my dad. I don't know how long I can last, but I can't tell anyone the truth about our family, because of reasons I can't say, even on an anonymous posting site.

P.S. I guess my name shouldn't be kuudere, huh? It was a name I used when I lead a happy life, but I should really change my name. I can't think of one on the spot, but I'll use anonymous until I can.

>>4 Good girl, you understand how depressing a name that doesn't fit a person is.

Also, how old are you? You sound way too mature for your age.

>>5
Coming from a 15? Invalid.

>>4
You're one step closer to becoming a yandere. GLHF.
Btw, I'm sure you've heard this multiple times, but do you really need superficial friends that don't accept you because of family matters?

>>5 Dude that came off kinda condescending.
>>4 Do you really believe they'll think you're weak for this? It's not a weakness, it's your reality, something that shapes who you are. If they judge you for that, they aren'the worthy of being your friends.

>>7 Link me one post where I wasn't condescending.

>>6 How so? There's a 4 year difference.

>>8 Almost every post you make on the lit board isn't.
But you're right, age shouldn't really be what determines validity of opinion, unless it is being viewed as an extension of experience. If so, you may or may not be wrong, depending on your experiences.

>>8
http://dollars-bbs.org/personal/res/1450576665.html

Trying to get back on topic, I think you should strengthen yourself.
I'm not saying you're weak now, but you have a lot of things troubling you and still manage to go on. What you're feeling now is definitely not helping you with staying confident, but I think people who can endure the hard times of life can live on to become strong. I wouldn't lie too much to your surroundings, if you're not as good in school as others, that doesn't make you stupid and if you skip out on school because of an unfinished assignment, then admit it. It won't do any good to give people the wrong expression, they won't know what bothers you untless you tell them. Those few friends you have can be a big help, so rely on them sometimes if you have problems. As for your family situation, well, you can't choose your family, but personally, I wouldn't be too concerned about them. For my future life, once I'm leaving the house, I'll probably leave my family behind as well. What I want to say is that, in my future, I don't see myself with my parents but with my friends. Maybe some of them left from school, maybe some new ones. Would it bother you a lot to leave your family behind? Because I know it sounds like a lot, but compared to 6 years and three months, the rest of your life is still pretty long, so don't throw away the chances life offers you. You can still find out what's after once you've explored what life has to offer.

I don't know. All I can say is to stay strong. There will always be those moments where you want to give up and die. I won't lie I've actually pointed a knife at my own throat once. But there will always be those special moments in life that are worth all of the pain you've been through.
You could always find a hobby to distract you from the pain. I need to go now I've been on the computer too long and I'm about to get in trouble XP

Yea i know this feeling sh%t but im going to agree with 12 about staying strong easyer said then done though . Just know ween things change they start changing fast. An if i have anything to contribute its start preparing for change i wasn't ready cuz i got to complacent again easyer said then done.

I can't find a hobby... there's too much homework. I have two assignments due next week. Also, I can't admit that I haven't finished my assignment. They'll get annoyed and jealous that I get 'more time'. Last week my group got full marks in music and their group got the lowest mark. They got jealous and ignored me for the whole week because my group was working and their group was messing around with the instruments. I can't rely on them, at least not for now. i feel like all of them have too much flaws. One of them is a girl

As for my mum, she's a really racist bitch, to be honest. I remember on the first day of school when I became friends with a girl with dark skinned girl, she said I couldn't be friends with her because 'she's black and black peoples are violent and rude'. Now, she is in a community course or something, and everyday she complains to me about her classmates. Also, I never know their names; I only know their nationality because all she ever says is: oh my god the Norwegian is so mean! All Norwegians are bad! The Shanghainese woman didn't let me borrow her notes today! All Shanghainese don't let people borrow her notes! I'm tired of hearing her complaints one moment, and then getting yelled at for not understanding my homework!

P.S. Can I do anything to relieve my stress apart from go coaching and improve my grades? Also, I really don't know how to strengthen myself. My mum would never allow me to practice any martial arts because she says that martial arts will hurt me.

Ah....... I forgot to conclude my sentence. But my friends are all girls who have a ratio of flaws/strengths 90/10. They get jealous when I get better marks than them and they always want to copy my assignments. There's this girl named 'Sam' (not her real name but close) who doesn't know what shame is. She keeps boasting about how she hates anime but she's great at Japanese. This is where it gets annoying. She starts spouting 'Japanese' like Sakondala and kunookika. In case you guys don't know, the words were supposed to be sayonara(goodbye) and konichuwa(hello).

P.S. I think some of you are wondering why I sound a little bit more(or a lot more) cheerful than my first post. It's because I've calmed down. But I need to know how to make my life better.

From >>1 to >>4 and now >>14, all I can say is that you're getting better at breaking paragraphs. Also, get a handle. Maybe, "Yōjo no shi".

"One of them is a girl." What is this world falling to, 11 years old and we're already starting to discriminate against gender. Ah, my head is spinning in pain. How I ache for this world's future. *All said in monotone*

And no shit martial arts will hurt you. It fucking HURTS PEOPLE. What the fuck were you thinking when you asked her that?

Also, try to enjoy Go? If not, completely daydream while you're in the session.


Sorry if I'm being offensive, I'm feeling rather good today.

>>15 To be honest, you sound a lot more aggravated than your first post, and that's something.

Piece of advice, get better friends. Second piece of advice, you're not bad at studies. Third piece of advice, give yourself some flaws, no one is perfect. Fourth piece of advice let them copy your shit.

Also, ratios are written like "a:b=x:y" or "a b ratio is x to y".

>>16 I posted 15 because I forgot to conclude that sentence in 14........ And I'm trying to work out ratios but I'm not making any progress so yeah........

>>18 Get some male friends. Bound to do you no good. Also, aren't ratios almost the same thing as fractions?

Hang out with people who you feel comfortable around and do things you wana do. You only get to live once, so once in a while, why not get out and do something fun? The world can be more fun that way