To be honest... I haven't been on this site for a while. But right now I feel like this is the only place to ask for people's help and advice.

Now to what I actually want to tell... I have a friend. I've known her for three years. And it didn't take long until we became best friends. We share the same interests and do all kinds of stupid things together. So, just what best friends do. But... She has depression. It's not like she shows it off noticably or something like that, but...

There comes a time in which she won't come to class. And she won't reply my messages. And always when that happens, I know that it is one of those days in which she doesn't feel like doing anything else but crying.

I asked her once why she was depressed. She said she didn't know what she would be able to do in the future because her grades were constantly getting worse. I offered her my help and she gladly accepted it. And for a while everything seemed okay again. But then it happened again.

No replies to my messages.
She wouldn't answer the phone.
She was gone. For two whole days.

These two days were hell for me. I couldn't relax at all. She told me already she wasn't the kind of person who would do anything to herself. But sometimes she ends up talking about how much she would like to die or just disappear.

I am constantly in worry for her. I care too much that I can't even be happy without her being happy.

And then... She told me another reason why she had depression was because her parents always nagged at her about her not being good enough. I didn't think that was weird. I was getting nagged at a lot, too. Parents do that after all because they care for you, right? They don't want you to end up having a bad future, after all.
Also her parents seemed very nice to me. And my friend had everything she could wish for. A dog, a brand new laptop, she went abroad with her family in holiday... She even was being driven to university when her car was broken, every morning by her mom which is actually quite the luxus compared to having to drive by yourself or having to go by bus.

To put it in a nutshell, her life isn't that bad.
Yet she says her life is hell.

And the more she said that, the more it makes me depressed. I always think that I have to be there for her. Sure, I also have problems. My family is kinda poor so I am not able to get everything I want, I am not able to see my parents often because they're always at work and stuff like that. But when I listen to her and when she gets depressed again I feel like I don't care about my own life at all. I only feel like I care about her.

Recently I received a scholarship. For which I actually should be really happy... After all I worked hard for it. I even had a dream of studying abroad which I am now able to fulfill because of this scholarship. Well, actually it was the dream of my friend and me. I should be happy I received that scholarship... Right? But I just can't. My friend didn't received one. At first she didn't react that badly. But at night when I messaged her, she said that she wanted to end her life.

I read that message and replied. I told her not to go, that I love her and she should stay. After all not receiving a scholarship was not the end of the world, right? She was still able to work hard and then try to get one. And even if she didn't get one there still were a lot of other things that she could do. I then waited.

Nothing.

I messaged her again and waited. Still no answer. I broke out in tears and didn't know what to do. It took me about 150 messages, 8 calls and maybe one hour until she replied. She apologized and said that it won't happen again. But exactly that is the thing that scares me.

I know it will happen again. Because she already told me so often that I won't have to worry anymore.

Right now everything is okay again. But honestly, I don't think I am able to stand this any longer. I really, really love her from the bottom of my heart. But I am not able to put myself through this anymore. I am not even able to be happy if she also isn't happy.

I already told her so many times that I am there for her. That I would never leave. That I would stay forever. And yet...
I feel like if I would let her go, she would fall apart, so easily. After all she only had a few friends who were really close to her.

I don't want my feelings to be dependent on hers anymore. But I also don't want to end this friendship. After all I love her so much...

I really don't know what to do anymore...

I don't really expect someone to answer to this thread. But if someone does, I would be really thankful...

Hi there!
I´m actually in a similar situation as you are but not as bad as your situation. They only advice that I can give you is either talking to her parents or a school counselor.

I've been on both sides of this and I would like to say that it's best to stay calm. I know, it sounds impossible. Take deep breaths and try to focus. It's best not to spam your friend but make sure they know you care, and send them positive messages periodically. If these times are long, sending a paper letter in the mail is much more respected than an electronic message, so I suggest trying that. Hopefully this was helpful! And keep us all updated!

i agree with Mako, i think it's important to show her that you're there for her and that you understand that she may be too depressed to answer your messages so she doesn't feel bad that she is unable to reply- so she doesn't worse about it...

i also agree with Clow, talking to a school counselor about your friend can be really helpful.. especially with her grades. if the school recognizes her depression, they may be more understanding and let her take some time off of school or let her complete some sort of extra credit project once she begins to feel better... (that's me being really optimistic about the situation, i don't know how schools usually deal with depressed students) it's just that her depression is affecting her grades as much as her grades are contributing to her depression...

i'm glad that she has a friend like you to help her through this...

Depression is not something the person can control. It is a chemical imbalance in the brain. I suggest convincing the person to go to a counselor or doctor with you. Depression can change from day to day, especially if the affected person has a bipolar disorder as well.

it's possible to get all that any other person could ever want, and still fill imprisoned in hell.

just imagine if your friend's parents bought that pc so she could do even better in school, and then she fails... control structures are often very subtle, and the words used can seem harmless to people not involved in the situation. you can never judge someone's family situation or relationship with their parents on material goods, and how they apear in front of others.

it's a good thing that you want to be there for your friend, but you won't be able to support her unless you manage to become emotionally independent. it's ok to worry a little and be sad that your friend isn't doing good, but telling your friend you're worried will only add pressure to already crushing emotions.

being casual is better than sending a text every hour. giving space is better than pushing. if your friend feels that she's the reason why you're upset, that would just be one more thing that proves the world would be better off without her.

dealing with depressed people is really difficult, and it can easily make you lose your own balance. talking to a school counselor or a therapist of some sort is most likely a very good idea, for your own mental health.

when talking to your friend, try listening instead of asking. share your own stories to get hers (don't go egocentric though). and try to suggest seeing a therapist, just to talk about things she finds it hard to talk to you or her parents about (do not mention depression as a reason why, unless she does it on her own first).

sometimes, people are doing bad in ways that are almost impossible to cure. i have two younger siblings that i don't worry about simply because that would consume me completely. instead i'm just happy for every little progress they make, and every day they choose life. that way, i can support rather than add to their burden and feelings of guilt.

[Update]

First of all thanks for your advice! I am really grateful for it. It hasn't been that long since I actually found out that my friend was seeing a psychiatrist for quite a while. For a while I was happy to hear that, but... I feel like it's getting worse.

I have officially reached the point in which I can't carry on any longer.

It's not only because my friend's depression has gotten worse... But also because she's starting to fight with me...

"You don't care anyways."
"You only help me because you feel bad for me."
"You only pretend to be a friend."
"Stop with the lies already..."

Those are the things she keeps saying. No matter what I tell her to convince her otherwise, she won't believe me. I know, this is part of her depression, but... It hurts me. It really does.

You guys said I should stay calm, which I of course am trying, but... I just can't. I mean, who could remain calm if your friend tells you she ran away from home and doesn't know what to do, that she can't find objects sharp enough to cut deep enough or sends you a picture of the edge of a bridge and says that she wants to jump down there? And of then fucking course doesn't reply for the next few days and when she comes back she again doubts you for being a real friend...

This is making me freak out. I've wanted to talk to her parents. But I heard from her that her parents are of course one reason for her depression.
I talked about it to my mother... She says that I shouldn't make life even harder for myself than it already is... I guess she is right at some point but... I just can't help it. I am a person eho cares too much even when she shouldn't...

I want to help her but she won't let me. I don't understand her anymore... When I'm with her, she's a sick weirdo. Just the person I know and with whom I am friends with. But as soon as we're not together and only chat on websites like facebook, she turns back to the depressive person she was.

I've been through depression myself. I know how she feels. And I always tell her so. But of course to her I am a liar... Just a nobody who only feels bad for her and wants to help her out of pity...

I only have a few friends. And they mean the world to me. So does she. So of course it hurts when she says that.

Even though I know it's only the depression I am at the end of my nerves. I am not able to sleep anymore due to anxiety.
Not too long ago I visited my grandmother's grave in her homecountry which was on the other side of the world to where I live. I stayed there for two weeks.

Two weeks of receiving messages from my friend about how much everyone seemed to hate her... Two weeks of my friend running away from home and sleeping just somewhere on a bench almost three times a week... Two weeks of my friend writing about cutting... Two weeks of her telling me to shut up because I don't know anything about her.
Two weeks of complete anxiety.

I am starting to get anxious about everything my friend does. I know most of the time she only says stuff like that because she really is depressed... And actually nothing really happens. But it still scares me. And because of that I am literally on the edge of just quitting and telling her that I really don't care about her anymore, even though that's a lie.

I love her to the moon and back and even more. Nothing will ever change that fact. But I have just reached a point in which I want to stop everything.

It sounds very selfish... But I really can't do this anymore... I feel like cracking up... Yet I don't want to end being friends with her... After all she really is important to me and I really do care, but... Just how can I help her if she won't let me...?

I don't understand the world anymore...

People with depression never consent to getting help, myself included. I know that it seems that she doesn't like you, but I'm sure that deep down, she really does value your friendship. Maybe she's trying to push you away because she knows that you don't like it when she cuts, and she wants to stop you from hurting because of her. The last thing you want to do is leave her, that would destroy her. At this point, it's time to let a professional step in and help. As admirable as it is to always be there for someone, there comes a time where you've done all that you can. She won't get any better without treatment, believe me. I wish you luck with your friend, and hopefully she will get better.

Disregard the pat about the professional, just reread your update. Does she take any anti-depressants?

Maybe you should limit the amount of time you spend talking with her through the phone or internet? If she seems relatively fine in person but sickly over the phone then perhaps she needs that form of communication limited (whilst of course continuing to meet with her in person so she doesn't think you don't care).

Though this is only my opinion, I think that when people are allowed to constantly speak about every single thing they feel, they cripple themselves and kind of surrender to their ailment. I say this because I've been on both sides of the fence in this sort of situation and this is what i've noticed through observation and hindsight.

The way she feels is definitely real, but perhaps she needs to learn how to deal with them internally a bit more, as opposed to simply laying them down upon you and lashing out, because I sincerely doubt she means to drive you away, she probably just doesn't realise what the situation is for you.

I hope that helps in some way

>>9 Well she is taking some kind of tablets which apparently are supposed to "calm her", which actually does not work that much

I suggested that she might take anti-depressants but she doesn't want to take any kind if medication because she feels like it's bad for her and not helping at all.

>>10 Of course I am trying to talk to her in real life as often as possible. But I am not always able to meet her because of my tight schedule.
Also sometimes, if she really feels bad and I want to talk about it she just ditches me and doesn't even appear to where we are supposed to meet...

Thanks to bith of you for telling me what you think, it really helps a lot!!

Maybe she feels more comfortable talking on the phone than in person. It's a lot easier to read a message that says 'I'm worried about you' than to look a person in the eyes while they say it. Try to talk about it with her in public more often, and maybe seeing the emotions behind the words will help her realize that what she's doing is hurting you.

You can skip this part, I'm just venting.
I feel like a jerk... a lot of the things you say about your friend sound like my ex. I knew her for two years before we started dating. I knew she cut, I knew she felt sad. She seemed to keep it all locked inside and sometimes it was so obvious that I had to ask, but that was before we got together. and it was during highschool. I asked her out in Higschool too, but she rejected me. we still kept in touch as friends. we would hang out sometimes, and she did date another guy for a while. she broke up with him because I stopped talking to her. I stopped talking to her because I thought that was the best for the two of them to stay together, but somehow that partially led up to their breakup? Anyways, I'm getting off topic, keep read if you like.

Okay, so some time went by, high school went by, and we still kept in touch and would hang-out once in a while. I didn't see her sad-side anymore. A year and some time went by, and she! Yes, she.... asked me out. I was honestly at the time starting to develop a crush on someone else, but that moment made me change my mind straight away back to her.

Anyway life sucks. I broke it off after a month, why? we never actually went on a date, our work schedules would get in the way. we would still text but after a week and a half she stopped talking to me. Maybe I came on too clingy or maybe it was something else. Maybe I wasn't emotionally supportive enough like you >>11. because my ex was going through problems, she had some family issues, and probably depression. And I! I Just freaking didn't know what to do!

Like I said after a week and a half, she stopped talking to me(by which I mean calling and texting). I still kept trying to contact her to talk to her. After a few days I got in contact with her older sister, her older sister said she was fine, so I was like "okay." Another few days went by and still no reply from my ex. So, I talked to her sister again, "she's fine," her sister said, "I'll tell her to call you." So nearly three weeks into the relationship she finally sends me a text, a reply to my messages. That's whemn my ex tells me, yes, she finally tells me... to stop talking to her family to try to get in contact with her. Apparently she's not close to her family. She also said to leave her alone for a while. Here's where I feel like a jerk.

I left her alone for a while. Maybe this was the time when she needed the most emotional support, the time when she needed to have some one she could talk to, or atleast know that there's someone who she can rely on if she ever needed. I don't know.

Anyway, literally two days later I quit my job, the boss stressed me out, even though I was doing okay. After I quit I was thinking now I have no way to financially support her either if we do stay together. "I was thinking, I'm not going to be a good boyfriend, let alone if we were to marry I wouldn't make a good husband!" so came the end of that week, at the time I thought giving her that week all to herself was enough for her to "get better," or something, so I sent her a text...no reply. A full day went by and I just lost it. She asked me out! And now she's not talking to me! Only the first week went somewhat fine, but the rest of the time it was so much effort to even get a reply! I gave up. I couldn't deal with it anymore, I didn't know what to do and my mind couldn't take it anymore. I wanted to be able to talk to her about my problems too, about things I went through that helped me! But, When you don't even give me the slightest chance to talk, how the heck am i supposed to help! HUH!? I'm not the type to express my emotions often, not even to her, so I never told her that I felt like this throughout the relationship.

And suddenly I send a break-up text, she wouldn't answer my calls, so what else could I do. I still sucked at expressing my emotions so I didn't say much. Only that I felt ignored and that the relationship wasn't going well.

She never replied after that, ever. But, her sister caught wind of it and asked me what happened and why I'm doing this? I had her sister on instagram, so I told her. Her sister said that we should atleast go back to being friends. And I was like, "okay." And we never talked ever again since then.

And now it's been two months and your post brought everything back to me. Now I feel like a jerk. Maybe I could've given her more time to herself 'cause look, It's now been two months and I haven't been with anyone else. Two months! I was just starting to develop a new crush (or two). And now seeing your Post just brought back all those memories we've had and what has happened in the past two years that I've known her as well as what led to the break up. I want to talk to her again. to know if she's doing fine.... I hate you OP, 'cause now I hate myself. I'm also wondering what the heck I should do now.

Sorry for venting, you don't need to read all of the above.

>>11 Anyways, here's my advice from me to you whether you are a guy or a girl:
1. Don't stop talking to your friend.You may be the only friend she has.
2.Hear her out. Maybe you don't know what to do or say, but she may need a listening ear at some point in time and you might be the only one to be able to have that ear.
3.Talk to her about problems that you go through (for example, the struggle of being poor, or something), because if you don't, she'll feel like she's going through this alone and that no one can relate.
4. I don't know, paying attention more to one friend than to your other friends to me seems stupid, but, do it. Just do it. This friend of yours is crying for attention, because she needs help. Do it. Be there for her, keep in contact and be there in person whenever you can. Even if this is emotionally draining for you too, that just shows the severity of the situation.
5. Don't give up on your friend! She'll feel betrayed if you do, atleast I know I would.

well, >>11, that's all I have to say. It's not my problem what you're going through. And you don't have to take my advice either. Life sucks anyway you look at it. So if anything you do doesn't help. Don't blame yourself for it. Good Luck!

When it comes to me i;m really bored with everything. i;m a person with apathy and a lot of issues. I know what its like to have depression. Its suck so much but you cant help it. Then it comes to friends who can help you. In my case i don't really have friends. Maybe a fake ones to feel my space with other peoples. My family suck too. Anyway i think that you should spend a lot of time together like help her to forget about problems or concentrate on them then try to fix it. If it comes to grades why dont u help her to study or you know invite some friends and study in group. Its always good to have someone to make things funnier and better. People with depression needs someone who can understand them and help them in any way.