Hi! Uhm.. Im Katrin and I'm gonna be telling you guys a little about me so you understand.
I have honestly been depressed for as long as I can remember. I was bullied a lot. But these past two years I haven't been bullied as much as I used to. Thats a good thing.
I have this thing called Depersonalization Disorder. Its when you dont have a true sense of reality and do not truly see or feel the things others do. It is as if I am just watching someone do things. The thing is, I hate therapists and shrinks and I haven't told anyone that I have this. Yes, I know sometimes self-diagnosing is not good, but I would not fool myself and tell myself untrue things.
I have a girlfriend. She is wonderful to me. Yes, sometimes me and her get judged because we both are girls, but we stay there for each other. The thing is, she is suicidal. She goes to therapy and all, and I try to be there for her. She tried killing herself twice a couple of weeks ago. I want her to be okay and the pain I felt when she told me is still here.

I also have a friend who I am very close to. Me and him dated once, but that stopped. I care for him deeply.
I have another different close friend ( I have a lot lol.) The thing is, this one loves me. I tell him that I have a girlfriend and he wont stop trying. Yesterday, me and him were talking. He then told me that he was suicidal and he was back on suicide watch. This hurt me, so I told the friend that I dated before. Then that friend told me he was suicidal too.

Do they know how much pain they put me through?

Do they know how much I care for them?

There is another thing. They know I have depression and Depersonalization Disorder, but they do not pay attention to it at all. They say I'm always happy.
In truth, I am rarely ever happy. I just show a facade and try to make them happy. Why? Because I care for their happiness.
I have recently been realizing this facade is breaking. I have begun to be more depressed, almost to the brink of suicide. I wonder to myself, " Would they miss me?" and realize that would probably be a no.Since they would kill themselves, this shows me they are absorbed in their own feelings and not others. That is why I feel they would not miss me. To die is to leave those who love you, but what if none of them truly care?

Whenever I express my true feelings, a voice in my head whispers curses and tells me that I'm lying. I dont mind the voice.

There are times where I feel as if I am an empty doll.


I may just kill myself.

Should I?

Thats up to you, really.
Pardon me for asking, but are you sure you still have depersonalization?
Depersonalization is some kind of dissociative disorder, which usually goes hand in hand with apathy. People with depersonalization are far, far away from their deepest emotions, or close, but disacknowledge them either way. It shouldn't involve thinking what others may feel or a voice arguing in your head.

I know how it feels to be empty inside. It's never easy trying to go through life. All I can say is to deal with the day as each new days come, and not worry about yesterday or tomorrow. If you keep believing things will get better and work to protect those you love, things will start to get better. I promise you.

>>1 So just wondering but are the four of you like a group or people that you know individually? You said you're close with them so why not try a different approach to this then? The factor of love and genders seems to be getting in the way so why not just simply get rid of it? Gather the four of you together and create a pact. Say that you will always be there for each other but with the cost that none of you are allowed to be boyfriend or girlfriend with each other or keep any secrets from each other. If you are truly as close as you say you are then having such significant friends is what you all would need to handle your depressions. They all seem to be able to open up to you already because they have all told you about them being depressed and suicidal so why not open up to them as well? You shouldn't have this responsibility to keep up the facade of a happy person.
That's just my thoughts on this,I obviously don't know what it's like in your position or how it works. But the thing about being depressed and suicidal is that the best cure is always having a true friend in my opinion.

That was my attempt, but I tend to live off in my own world so that probably made no sense or was relevant in the slightest.
Hope it all goes well though

What neko said, it's up to u. Also I'm pretty sure you have symptoms of psychosis or something else? "Would they miss me?" Tbh worst question ever heard/text. Does it really matter if they don't. If they do, I guess it'll help a little. Wow I'm amazed of how many suicidal people you've met! I'd say not to kill yourself for a little thing of how much they care.

I don't know what you've been through and I won't compare to you, because pain isn't comparable, but I know the feeling. I also wanted to end my life someday, and there is still a part in me thinking about it.
I seriously don't know how to help you, but I will try by telling you my story. My family is poor, so since i grew up I was living in a damn crazy neighbourhood. Every day I saw miserable lives, girls who have been raped by uncles, dads and strangers, kids doing every kind of stuff you believed to only see in movies, guys with shotguns, Papa Elmo was able to give you what you wanted, every damn kind of drug. But I grew up there and never thought about how miserable their lives were.
My mum always said, that education is key to come out of this hood and I believed her, I studied hard and was the best in my class, but I always knew that i was different from all these kids in school, I came straight out of the ghetto, I heard Rap and HipHop not some mainstream stuff, I had seen things they will maybe never see. I was young and managed things always my way, however I learnt, not by my mother but the bad environment, that if somebody wants to destroy you you have to destroy him first. I think it was clear that someday I've got to have trouble in school, I was the poorest kid, but not dumb. I think I will never forget his name - Noah. He always hated me, but then he started talking shit about my mother and family and I "destroyed" him like I knew it, I beat him up and nearly got kicked out of school. But it changed my life, I started focusing less on education but on my neighbourhood. Only problem here, I was the nerd focusing on school and they started to bully me, but I knew their habits and started to beat everyone up who wanted to fight against me. It went on till I became the leader of a group, gang, call it what you want. We were fighting all day just to feel this amazing rush, the power. I think in some situation back then we could have died but I wasn't fearing death, and you know why? Because I didn't know what to live for, for my mother hating me for what I've become, for the hood which wasn't caring at all, feared us cause we were running around like damn crazy. But I started realizing that our action make no sense. Someday we were hanging around a playground, when Sara's drunken dad came by and tried to take her back home, where he would rape her again. We promised to protect her, but her dad had a shotgun, he was drunken, we were young and I was the first time I saw my boys scared as hell. I don't know if i was scared too, but I can remember my tremendous rage, and I did the only thing I was able to do, I started beating him in the moment he thought he was save. I striked him till he started bleeding all over the face, I broke his teeth and his nose, my hand was bleeding, but I think if Sara wouldn't have stopped me, I would have killed him that day.

I never met again to beat somebody. I think we all realized somehow, that day, that violence is a damn circle and till you don't stop you will never leave him.
I focused on school again, but I wasn't the same person anymore.
I asked myself why I should live any longer, I just had no dream no purpose, I thought about suicide, but the damn day I wanted to kill myself, I got to know the person who changed my life.
Her name was Diane, she worked in a bar just around the corner of my school. I remember it was the 24th July 2011 when i met her for the first time, I was always hanging around in this bar after school and I just wanted to write a letter to my parents and few friends before going to die. I was already going when I recognized her following me, but I said nothing and just went along to a river, sat there and hoped that she would go away, but she sat next to me, telling me that she saw the letter and why I want to die. I told her that I see no reason to live on and that nobody will care if I am away. "I care, I want you to live!" - I will never be able to give you such a feeling by writing about it's but it was deep down from her heart. I do not believe in god, but Diane was like an angel for me, she saved my live, she became my love and she became the reason I lived for. I had never imaged that I will be so lucky and meet a woman like her, but this was the best time of my life.
Nearly three years later she died because of leukemia, she died in my arms. God gave me everything just to take it back a lot too early. I became depressive again, it became a time in my life in which I felt like going through hell. I am still crying sometimes because I miss her that much and somedays I'm speaking with a hallucination of her just to not forget her I think.
Three months after her death of my two best friends died, beaten up by three guys and knocked down by a car when he tried to escape them, and last summer my last best friend died being thrown down a mountain by a bum because of 20$.
Seriously, I don't know why I am still living and haven't killed myself, but I always think somewhere in this world there is a person caring for you, believing you are worth it to stay alive.
I think the only reason I am still living is, i always think about Diane, Aron and Ty and their short lives, they would have wanted me to live along, for them and with them bound in my heart but I also know it's a rough time to go through all this shit, and you don't have to go on your own, you got your friends and you got the Dollars. Everyday in my life I try to see the beautiful moments in life and I tell you if you look around a bit you will find them. Maybe they last only a slide of a moment but they are there.

You told, death is like leaving all the persons you love behind,
then why should you kill yourself, is it worth it to leave them all behind. I believe it is a price way to high.
I mean I already went through it three times, I am still depressed, I know that voices in you head.
You asked who cares for you, I care for you, i do not know you but I do, and I believe also your friends care for you, but even love you.

I even think anonymous's idea is not bad, I mean your all in the same boat, and even more people sit in the same boat, even me and I also think several other dollars.

If you want to talk just mail me (shoshan.yatogami@gmail.com) or post a thread, but do not end your live, please. For me and all the Dollars. Try to love your friends and care for them, we will care for you.