2 Name: Anonymous : 2016-02-25 10:46 ID:B6YRkKYU [Del]
I understand how your depression feels, it had a different cause but the feeling is quite similar to yours. I also cut myself because of it, but as much as cutting feels good, it won't solve the problem.
I still feel like cutting sometimes but I try to resist, because my sister cried thinking that I would end my life one day. Depression feels horrible, and I'm still a bit depressed honestly. So you should try resisting, try finding a better alternative to vent out your feelings since I'm sure there are many who love you, and care for you.
I don't know what to say at these type of situations but... I guess it was really brave of you to tell your feelings out :) There are some people out there who knows how you feel, so you're not really alone.
Many people leave me, my friends and family is no exception. I know it's hard, but I think you should interact with them now then regretting when it's too late. I'm very sorry that I can't help much but I hope you'd feel a bit better by reading this :3
3 Name: ShoshanYatogami : 2016-02-25 11:45 ID:jpp39fMI [Del]
I don't know what you've been through and I won't compare to you, because pain isn't comparable, but I know the feeling. I wanted to end my life someday, and there is still a part in me thinking about it - and sure I am depressed.
I don't know how to help you, but I will try by telling you my story. My family is poor, so since i grew up I was living in a damn crazy neighbourhood. Every day I saw miserable lives, girls who have been raped by uncles, dads and strangers, kids doing every kind of stuff you believed to only see in movies, guys with shotguns, Papa Elmo was able to give you what you wanted, every damn kind of drug. But I grew up there and never thought about how miserable their lives were.
My mum always said, that education is key to come out of this hood and I believed her, I studied hard and was the best in my class, but I always knew that i was different from all these kids in school, I came straight out of the ghetto, I heard Rap and HipHop not some mainstream stuff, I had seen things they will maybe never see. I was young and managed things always my way, however I learnt, not by my mother but the bad environment, that if somebody wants to destroy you you have to destroy him first. I think it was clear that someday I've got to have trouble in school, I was the poorest kid, but not dumb. I think I will never forget his name - Noah. He always hated me, but then he started talking shit about my mother and family and I "destroyed" him like I knew it, I beat him up and nearly got kicked out of school. But it changed my life, I started focusing less on education but on my neighbourhood. Only problem here, I was the nerd focusing on school and they started to bully me, but I knew their habits and started to beat everyone up who wanted to fight against me. It went on till I became the leader of a group, gang, call it what you want. We were fighting all day just to feel this amazing rush, the power. I think in some situation back then we could have died but I wasn't fearing death, and you know why? Because I didn't know what to live for, for my mother hating me for what I've become, for the hood which wasn't caring at all, feared us cause we were running around like damn crazy. But I started realizing that our action make no sense. Someday we were hanging around a playground, when Sara's drunken dad came by and tried to take her back home, where he would rape her again. We promised to protect her, but her dad had a shotgun, he was drunken, we were young and I was the first time I saw my boys scared as hell. I don't know if i was scared too, but I can remember my tremendous rage, and I did the only thing I was able to do, I started beating him in the moment he thought he was save. I striked him till he started bleeding all over the face, I broke his teeth and his nose, my hand was bleeding, but I think if Sara wouldn't have stopped me, I would have killed him that day.
I never met again to beat somebody. I think we all realized somehow, that day, that violence is a damn circle and till you don't stop you will never leave him.
I focused on school again, but I wasn't the same person anymore.
I asked myself why I should live any longer, I just had no dream no purpose, I thought about suicide, but the damn day I wanted to kill myself, I got to know the person who changed my life.
Her name was Diane, she worked in a bar just around the corner of my school. I remember it was the 24th July 2011 when i met her for the first time, I was always hanging around in this bar after school and I just wanted to write a letter to my parents and few friends before going to die. I was already going when I recognized her following me, but I said nothing and just went along to a river, sat there and hoped that she would go away, but she sat next to me, telling me that she saw the letter and why I want to die. I told her that I see no reason to live on and that nobody will care if I am away. "I care, I want you to live!" - I will never be able to give you such a feeling by writing about it's but it was deep down from her heart. I do not believe in god, but Diane was like an angel for me, she saved my live, she became my love and she became the reason I lived for. I had never imaged that I will be so lucky and meet a woman like her, but this was the best time of my life.
Nearly three years later she died because of leukemia, she died in my arms. God gave me everything just to take it back a lot too early. I became depressive again, it became a time in my life in which I felt like going through hell. I am still crying sometimes because I miss her that much and somedays I'm speaking with a hallucination of her just to not forget her I think.
Three months after her death of my two best friends died, beaten up by three guys and knocked down by a car when he tried to escape them, and last summer my last best friend died being thrown down a mountain by a bum because of 20$.
Seriously, I don't know why I am still living and haven't killed myself, but I always think somewhere in this world there is a person caring for you, look I am caring for you, we believe you are worth it to stay alive.
I think the only reason I am still living is, i always think about Diane, Aron and Ty and their short lives, they would have wanted me to live along, for them and with them bound in my heart but I also know it's a rough time to go through all this shit, and you don't have to go on your own. I am chasing after the beautiful moments everyday, even if it is only a pretty girl on the street, smiling at me. Sometimes I look in the sky and ask myself why I am here, but what the fuck I care it is beautiful, I try to stay thankful for every day in my life, I know it is hard but it is possible.
If you want to talk just mail me (shoshan.yatogami@gmail.com) or post a thread, you are not alone, i am here for you,the dollars are here for you.
