So, I have been a victim of depression for the past five years because of bullying. I was able to hold off on the suicidal thoughts. I am not bullied anymore, but the emotional trauma still remains. And lately, I'm finding that I can't care for anything much, now. I know this might seem a bratty thing to say, but my only coping mechanism when I was bullied was to push everything I felt deep inside me, and to pretend that it isn't happening to me at all. I kept repeating to myself, "I'm going to be okay" when I wouldn't be, because I felt like I don't deserve anything. The truth is, I still feel that. Like I don't deserve anything. But my greatest fear is that I can't keep my emotions anymore. I always see the negative side of everything, even if I don't want to--it's more like I can't help seeing the negative side of everything. And the worst thing is, it's like I'm numb. Like it's happening to me, but I can't relate to it at all. And that's what I'm scared of, because I feel like there's nothing positive in me anymore. And I wanted to die so badly. That might be another selfish thing to do, but I just feel that way so badly. So I confided in my mother, because I've been having suicidal thoughts. But I don't think she understands. The worst part of it all is that she tries to console me that others have worse problems than me. I begged her so many times to just take me to therapy because I feel like I'm going crazy just keeping everything inside me because I'm scared of what people would think of me when I do tell them and the thought of going crazy scares me more than dying. Please, just...tell me how to cope with this. I don't know how to deal with this.

Take some time to focus on yourself and gain some introspective.

I've experienced some of what your feeling and over time I've decided if I ever feel unworthy, I make it up to myself by doing something useful.

I've also decided I'd rather not exist than actually die, but since I'm already here, I'm responsible for not burdening others.

I'm not sure how much this will help you. But this is how I cope. I feel it's a much healthier perspective.

you should do something good for others! that makes me happy...

Hello!
So I read through this and (kind of)understand what you are going through Annon.
I will try and help the best i can:
Yes there are some who have worse problems, but OBVIOUSLY, you matter. If you really want to talk about it, you can ALWAYS look up to a friend or someone on the internet! Many people would LOVE to help you.
And the ways you used to cope are not bratty or selfish or anything!The only bratty ones are the people who caused you your pain.
Lastly, just because you feel you have nothing positive in you anymore, doesn't mean they're not there. By living and being you, you are making positive impacts to people.
Now it's their turn to make you feel better.

If you need any more help, you can contact me on:
marx.dollars@gmail.com
And I hope you can feel better soon!