I've been on this message board for about four years now. I'm about to graduate high school and pursue my dream of becoming an author. My goal is to by the end of this school year to get my first book actually published. But honestly, with the rate things have been going right now, I don't know if I can anymore.

A couple Fridays ago, I got a message from an acquaintance of mine. That message caused a huge commotion over the span of four days. Its a petty story over one person, so I won't bother to tell you the itty bitty parts. But I did get a lot of threats because of it. They ranged from casual beat-up threats to death threats. I couldn't take it anymore. I had panic attacks that went so bad that I blacked out. All I can remember doing is crying and shaking so bad that I couldn't even move my legs. I couldn't breath, and I had to calm myself down. I did get over it eventually after three hours or so. Even still, though, I feel so much pain.

Throughout the entirety of the situation I had to do homework, help my family, go to work, deal with the crisis of my friend (a different friend) being raped, and everyday people questioning me as to whether I was alright or not.

It's been days after that drama, and yet I'm still not better. Three days ago, I had a mental breakdown. My sister woke up in the middle of the night to calm me down. I can't sleep. I can't focus. And still, every time someone asks me if I'm alright, I start crying tears I thought I had already wasted.

I'm tired of being thrown into drama that isn't mine. I'm tired of being toyed and manipulated by everyone into taking their side. I'm tired of having people asking me if I'm okay. I'm not okay. I'm trying to get better, but I can't. I want to practice what I say, which is to get over it, but I can't. Not anymore.

I've gone many times to the councilor to talk about this, and it's not helping. Everyday I feel myself inching closer and closer to the edge of insanity. And no one can hear me or understand anymore.

I'm graduating this year too so I get the stress. The best thing you can do is to tell your friends to give you some space. The most important thing is to NEVER let go of your dream. Never give up.

You are still young you have a lot of time ahead of you. Don't fret over everything you can't control, otherwise you will go insane. Just do your best and when school lets out you can focus mainly on writing as well.

Just to give you some insight I'm 24 and just started on my career path. Everyone says I am still young enough to do so, but I feel like I have to power through school.

You have a lifetime in head of you, this is just a speed bump along the way.

So you give too many shits to other people, now your ass starts hurting.

Stop giving shits.

First of all, I just really want to let you know that you're not insane. I can relate to the feelings of manipulation--the games, the hoops, the cycle--and how they seem to turn but never change until you feel like you're going insane. Like there is this giant dark cloud inside your head and everything is too slow and too fast and too much all at the same time. You're not insane.
I am really so sorry that you're having to go through so much while still only being in high school. People say that kids should just take it easy and live their lives, but it really isn't that easy, right? I don't know everything you're going through, and I don't know the personalities of the people around you, but I'm genuinely concerned about you. Not just dollar to dollar but person to person. It's a good thing to care about other people. It's a good thing to find the energy to care at all.
I'm not a councillor, so I wouldn't feel comfortable trying to give you a life plan to healing (or anything of that sort). You're going through so much chaos and fear and confusion (and you don't need me to tell you!), and it might feel really dark. It is dark. It's very dark. But I promise you you're not alone. I can tell you that with the highest amount of certainty because I genuinely wish you the best... and I don't even know you. It's okay to hurt, it's okay to fear, it's okay to cry. Just try to remember the things you like and the people you love. You like to write? Try to find time to write! In the confusion, don't isolate yourself from the things that keep you going. You can't heal from a nightmare by shelving your dreams. I'm sorry for rambling so much....
You're going to be alright :)
It might take some time and there will probably be a lot of hurt down the road.
But you're going to be okay :)

>>1 Hey, I'm a senior in high school as well, so I can understand that stress. Also, that's super cool that you want to be an author. I would love to be a novelist, but I don't have a lick of literary talent in my body, so I'll leave that to you.
It sounds like you're a great person that is getting stretched thin by life, and I'm sorry for you. But I don't think you'll go insane. You'll be fine, and it'll all work out, and you'll come on the other side stronger for it. So good luck! Also, when you do get to publish your first book, you should let everybody know. I will definitely check it out. If you wanna talk further, even if just rant about how crappy school life can be, my email is valdr.dollars@gmail.com.