I hope this doesn't turn into a suicide note, but fucking Christ. I'm starting to understand the mentality of the villain who wants to destory humanity you'd see in a 90's comic book. Never mind how many people are mad at me, but at a certain point you'd have to wonder that maybe somewhere down the line I lost control of it al or maybe slipped into some kind of pocket of madness but at the root of it all, I do mean well. Dispite how I might lash out in a rage or even go on a tangent for hours. I can't stop but think how it ever got to the point of.. thinking so heavily about death that I send myself into a whirling panic attack, or focusing so hard on the nothingness after death that I don't feel like I exsist. That nothing matters, and I feel like in that moment, nothing is real. I can never manage to pull myself out of this way of thinking and I'll lay in the dark for days. Silent.
I just want the best for the people around me, and I've noticed that where-ever I may go I always seem to cause quite the up-roar. I never mean to, but I don't blame anyone other than myself for this. Although, I'm not too sure when I started becoming so blind to how hazardous I am when I really get into a topic or discussion. I've noticed that when I'm around, people usually leave or generally avoid contact because of how.. intense I can seem. Just a few hours ago I had gotten into a fight and was removed from the area, and yet. I just wanted to help.

I just wish... I could connect with people the way I see them connect with others. But.. I just cant bring myself to the point of dishonesty to do that.

I wish I knew what was going on '-'. People find many ways of connecting with people, you said you could understand villains and generally have dark thoughts but you have good intention. To briefly say, at least believe in the little good intention you have.

I was never able to express my rage or go on a tangent like you, however I was once in my darkest of thoughts too. Connecting to people was something I've never been able to do and still can't. But I can definitely say that believing in your good intention will help you to grow out of your current situation. Some people learn to connect with people in life and some don't. I'm seen as a very mentally stable person but the one thing I find impossible is to connect with people, even my own relatives.

In the end people think you hate them right? It always helps to be honest with whoever you meet. If someone tells you what you think of a global issue, say your true mind. That way you can find someone who thinks the same way and so truly connect. Let me know how it goes for you, I'm still getting there myself.

I'm concerned by the first sentence. If you need to talk, here's my dollars email: suzuha.dollars@gmail.com.

Connections will help you pull yourself out of your dark thoughts. As you spend time with other people, you will have less time to brood about such issues. However, it is because you think like that that you can't make connections. Catch-22, right?

You don't have to be dishonest to connect with people. In fact, honesty is the best way to connect, because people will be connecting with you and not a fake you.

The world isn't as bad as it seems. That's our motto, right?